Holy crap, I'm probably really asking to be attacked with this one, huh? It's like I just decided to take the two most touchy subjects with Americans and weave them into my blog, huh? Well it's not like I'm just deciding to piss off anyone who reads this....to be perfectly honest I could give a flying fuck. These thoughts are mine and putting them to actual words is a great release for me as I tend to be plagued with over analyzing and over thinking every little fucking thing.
So last night as I was laying in bed next to Kiel, trying to fall asleep, I started to think (as I often do when I'm trying to go to sleep, it's like I suddenly become philisophical or something and start debating issues in my mind). And I started to think about God and what I've learned over the past year (which really has been so much!) and then I started thinking about my work with the Obama campaign here in Nevada as well as my internship with the DNC and the lessons that I have learned in politics and then THAT got me thinking- there really isn't much difference in deciding a political party and deciding your religion.
1) Most people follow a lead started by their parents.
Seriously- how many of us are Christian or Buddhist or whatever because that is the environment we grew up in? And how many of us are Republicans or Democrats for that same reason? I come from a HEAVILY Democratic family?
2)Some of us rebel against our parents wishes.
I know a few people who radically changed their religions because of issues they had with the religion presented to them by their parents (or just to piss their parents off). How different is that when you take a college kid from a conservative family that suddenly rebels- gets some piercings and joins the OWS movement as a bleeding heart liberal?
3)Many of us are set in our ways.
It's pretty much a given that nothing less short of the party flip due to LBJ and the Civil Rights Act in the 60's would be able to turn most people (for those of you that don't know- take a look at how the Dems and Repubs were split geographically during the Civil War then look at how it is now- LBJ did that when he persued Civil Rights). Most of us have our party and we tend to stay with that party. Not much different with how we are with our religion. Most people are born into a certain religion and consider themselves to be that religion until the day they die unless there is some huge event that takes place (Age of Enlightenment, Protestant Reformation, the scandals with the Catholic Church).
4) Ideology is EVERYTHING.
Euthanisia, abortion, gay marriage, birth control, capital punishment, women's rights, slavery, medicinal marijuana, war, taxes- these are issues that political parties have argued about since the inception of our country. But how different is that from the Catholic Church's stance on abortion or the Hindu caste system? The ideology of a religion is the backbone of that religion and the same goes for a political party. Just look at how the idea of taxes tends to hold our government hostage? Or how there was almost a government shutdown due to the issue of funding Planned Parenthood? As I have searched for a religion that calls to me, the ideology is the biggest thing I consider and a strong confliction with my beliefs is something that can make me write off a religion as the right way for me.
5)Want to piss off someone? Talk down their religion/ party.
Want to see an argument get out of hand fast? Just read a news article online that involves politics or religion and read the comments section. People will get heated quick! I'm sure some of these people are really nice in real life but online, when their beliefs are challenged- they turn into a pissed off honey badger!
So those are my thoughts for now, I'm sure I will come up with more stuff, but that was just the stuff that stuck in my head last night.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Let's Recap This-
So I'm watching Real Time (as most of us liberals do) and Penn Jillette (who I do admire) is discussing religion and his lack of belief in religion so I thought this would be a good time to recap my beliefs and the things I'm contemplating.
Do I believe in God?
Absolutely. There is too much wonder and too much beauty and even though the world is chaotic- when you look at it- the universe functions too perfectly for there to not be divine intervention. The human body is a working miracle- it can heal itself for the most part and just look at the human mind!!! We live on a planet that has everything we could ever need to sustain us and that's only one planet in the whole infinite universe!!!
Do I believe in life after death?
Yes, but I'm not sure if it's the way we all think it is. Maybe reincarnation is possible- maybe there is a singular heaven that everyone goes to or maybe it is a personal heaven. I have read a lot of stuff that supports that. I won't rule out hell, but I think that it is for people that are genuinely evil- and that is based on what is in their heart.
Is it about faith or good deeds?
I think it is about both faith and deeds- but I'm really not sure if it is about a specific faith. If mankind was able to fully and truely understand God then we wouldn't be men and it's pretty pretentious to think that we as humans could ever comprehend a superior being that is able to create the whole fucking universe. Good deeds are great- but I think it is more about having a good heart. Is someone doing a good deed to get on God's good side or because it is a nice thing to do? The Koran believes that as long as someone believes in God (not specifically the Muslim God, as I read multiple verses saying Jews, Muslims and Christians would be able to go to Heaven), and Hindu believes that there are multiple routes to God through multiple religions and it's not that any of them are wrong- they are just different. I think that God is pretty understanding in that sense.
Is Jesus God?
I'm really not sure. I read material suggesting that before the Council of Nicea, even early Christians did not believe Jesus was God, although they did believe he was an exceptional man and a messenger of God. The temptation of Christ is only plausible if Jesus was a man capable of being tempted. So I'm really not sure- that is something I need to research more.
Original Sin?
That's another debateable one. There are conflicting Bible verses for each side saying yes- sins of the father can be passed to the son (Exodus 20:5/ Exodus 34:6-7/ 1Cor 15:22) but then there are verses saying that the son will not carry the punishment for his father's sins (Deuteronomy 24:16/ Ezekiel 18:20) even the Pope said a few years ago that if a baby were to die before baptism, the baby would not go to purgatory. When I look at my son, or any baby/small child- it is hard for me to believe that something so innocent and beautiful could ever have sin attached to their soul. It's hard for me to swallow to be honest.
Will this be exploring religions project be over in at the end of year?
No. Granted, I have weeded some religions that I know won't work for me. Scientology is a fucking joke (they STILL call me and send me crap in the mail!), Buddhism.....needs more time from me. Hindu taught me a lot about tolerance but it isn't for me. Wicca...that's another one I would love to explore more. Islam....very beautiful to read the Koran but the inequalities for women doesn't sit well with me, and while I respect it's theory of removing a lot most temptations from one's daily life- I don't think it's right. I think it's how someone reacts in the face of temptation that says much about their character. Judaism...I am also enjoying this study, but it just doesn't feel right for me. Christianity...I just can't shed this. I grew up studying Christianity and I am still learning! I suppose I hope to find a Chrisitian church not corrupted by narcissim or hypocrisy.
Is the Bible the actual word of God?
No. Not as a whole anyway. Books of the Bible (likes Psalms, Ecclesiates, Song of Songs...) are books of poetry reflecting their author- there are conflicting passages and numbers and with so many translations and versions of it over time who knows? I like to read the Bible and apply it to my life- but I don't think it's literal in it's entirety. I have already mentioned that I think it is very possible "Let there be light" could've been a metaphor for the Big Bang and I don't think the Earth was created in 7 days (at least not what we consider a day). The Koran has actually never been modified from it's original written versions (which are actually on display) and it's considered a sin to do so. I thought that was interesting. But I believe that men are men and we aren't perfect and it's arrogant to think that man would be able to ever fully comprehend God or not allow some of our self righteousness into our interpretation of God.
So there's where I'm at right now. Still soul searching, still learning. It's all about the journey, right?
Do I believe in God?
Absolutely. There is too much wonder and too much beauty and even though the world is chaotic- when you look at it- the universe functions too perfectly for there to not be divine intervention. The human body is a working miracle- it can heal itself for the most part and just look at the human mind!!! We live on a planet that has everything we could ever need to sustain us and that's only one planet in the whole infinite universe!!!
Do I believe in life after death?
Yes, but I'm not sure if it's the way we all think it is. Maybe reincarnation is possible- maybe there is a singular heaven that everyone goes to or maybe it is a personal heaven. I have read a lot of stuff that supports that. I won't rule out hell, but I think that it is for people that are genuinely evil- and that is based on what is in their heart.
Is it about faith or good deeds?
I think it is about both faith and deeds- but I'm really not sure if it is about a specific faith. If mankind was able to fully and truely understand God then we wouldn't be men and it's pretty pretentious to think that we as humans could ever comprehend a superior being that is able to create the whole fucking universe. Good deeds are great- but I think it is more about having a good heart. Is someone doing a good deed to get on God's good side or because it is a nice thing to do? The Koran believes that as long as someone believes in God (not specifically the Muslim God, as I read multiple verses saying Jews, Muslims and Christians would be able to go to Heaven), and Hindu believes that there are multiple routes to God through multiple religions and it's not that any of them are wrong- they are just different. I think that God is pretty understanding in that sense.
Is Jesus God?
I'm really not sure. I read material suggesting that before the Council of Nicea, even early Christians did not believe Jesus was God, although they did believe he was an exceptional man and a messenger of God. The temptation of Christ is only plausible if Jesus was a man capable of being tempted. So I'm really not sure- that is something I need to research more.
Original Sin?
That's another debateable one. There are conflicting Bible verses for each side saying yes- sins of the father can be passed to the son (Exodus 20:5/ Exodus 34:6-7/ 1Cor 15:22) but then there are verses saying that the son will not carry the punishment for his father's sins (Deuteronomy 24:16/ Ezekiel 18:20) even the Pope said a few years ago that if a baby were to die before baptism, the baby would not go to purgatory. When I look at my son, or any baby/small child- it is hard for me to believe that something so innocent and beautiful could ever have sin attached to their soul. It's hard for me to swallow to be honest.
Will this be exploring religions project be over in at the end of year?
No. Granted, I have weeded some religions that I know won't work for me. Scientology is a fucking joke (they STILL call me and send me crap in the mail!), Buddhism.....needs more time from me. Hindu taught me a lot about tolerance but it isn't for me. Wicca...that's another one I would love to explore more. Islam....very beautiful to read the Koran but the inequalities for women doesn't sit well with me, and while I respect it's theory of removing a lot most temptations from one's daily life- I don't think it's right. I think it's how someone reacts in the face of temptation that says much about their character. Judaism...I am also enjoying this study, but it just doesn't feel right for me. Christianity...I just can't shed this. I grew up studying Christianity and I am still learning! I suppose I hope to find a Chrisitian church not corrupted by narcissim or hypocrisy.
Is the Bible the actual word of God?
No. Not as a whole anyway. Books of the Bible (likes Psalms, Ecclesiates, Song of Songs...) are books of poetry reflecting their author- there are conflicting passages and numbers and with so many translations and versions of it over time who knows? I like to read the Bible and apply it to my life- but I don't think it's literal in it's entirety. I have already mentioned that I think it is very possible "Let there be light" could've been a metaphor for the Big Bang and I don't think the Earth was created in 7 days (at least not what we consider a day). The Koran has actually never been modified from it's original written versions (which are actually on display) and it's considered a sin to do so. I thought that was interesting. But I believe that men are men and we aren't perfect and it's arrogant to think that man would be able to ever fully comprehend God or not allow some of our self righteousness into our interpretation of God.
So there's where I'm at right now. Still soul searching, still learning. It's all about the journey, right?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
Ok, so like I previously thought, I don't know squat about Judaism even though I am very well aquainted with the Old Testament. But as a very important season in the Jewish year approaches, I am trying to learn about it about how I can apply it to my life.
From what I have learned, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are times of repentance (turning away from your past transgressions/behaviors) and re-establishing your relationship with G-D. Well I am all about re-establishing my relationship with G-d. I have been so focused on some big sign from G-d and learning and trying on different paths to God, and I really haven't been paying much attention to the vehicle I have been using to take that path- ME. Sure, praying for forgiveness is something I have done countless times and I constantly ask for G-d to make me a better woman and to transform me into that better woman, but I think with the upcoming holidays, I need to really look at ME and what needs to be changed in ME so that G-d actually wants to have a relationship with me. I can be impatient, I can be anxious, I can be REALLY stubborn, self righteous, condescending, selfish, spiteful, hypocritical, narcissistic, disrespectful, greedy and sometimes I think or wish and have sometimes even done or said bad things for/to/about people who have made me angry...
Wow.
Looking at the above words that I used to describe how I can act sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. Am I really this bad of a person? I mean, this is only the stuff I can think of! There is that whole- things we have done wrong without knowing we were doing bad things type of aspect to look at too! My son doesn't deserve a mother like a that. My husband doesn't deserve a wife like that. God doesn't deserve to have a relationship with someone like that (and in all honesty, why would he/she want to?)
So I am taking this moment- this exact moment as I am sitting here typing, with Loki sitting in front of me watching "Blue's Clues," to embrace this time of repentance and reflection to try and make myself into the woman that God wants me to be and that I want to be for those that I love. I am making the descision, RIGHT NOW, to turn away from bad behavior that has, no doubt, affected my relationship with my fellow man and with G-d. I know that there will be moments where I falter, I'm not perfect, but I hope that either G-d will strengthen me during those times or I will be able to recognize the bad behavior immediately, learn from it and get back on the horse of repentance (BTW- the definition of repentance is to 1-regret or feel sorrow for past conduct OR 2-to turn away from sin).
So here I go!
Oh, and please don't try to get me to be catty or spiteful just for your own amusement! I'm really, really trying to better myself here, people!
From what I have learned, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are times of repentance (turning away from your past transgressions/behaviors) and re-establishing your relationship with G-D. Well I am all about re-establishing my relationship with G-d. I have been so focused on some big sign from G-d and learning and trying on different paths to God, and I really haven't been paying much attention to the vehicle I have been using to take that path- ME. Sure, praying for forgiveness is something I have done countless times and I constantly ask for G-d to make me a better woman and to transform me into that better woman, but I think with the upcoming holidays, I need to really look at ME and what needs to be changed in ME so that G-d actually wants to have a relationship with me. I can be impatient, I can be anxious, I can be REALLY stubborn, self righteous, condescending, selfish, spiteful, hypocritical, narcissistic, disrespectful, greedy and sometimes I think or wish and have sometimes even done or said bad things for/to/about people who have made me angry...
Wow.
Looking at the above words that I used to describe how I can act sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. Am I really this bad of a person? I mean, this is only the stuff I can think of! There is that whole- things we have done wrong without knowing we were doing bad things type of aspect to look at too! My son doesn't deserve a mother like a that. My husband doesn't deserve a wife like that. God doesn't deserve to have a relationship with someone like that (and in all honesty, why would he/she want to?)
So I am taking this moment- this exact moment as I am sitting here typing, with Loki sitting in front of me watching "Blue's Clues," to embrace this time of repentance and reflection to try and make myself into the woman that God wants me to be and that I want to be for those that I love. I am making the descision, RIGHT NOW, to turn away from bad behavior that has, no doubt, affected my relationship with my fellow man and with G-d. I know that there will be moments where I falter, I'm not perfect, but I hope that either G-d will strengthen me during those times or I will be able to recognize the bad behavior immediately, learn from it and get back on the horse of repentance (BTW- the definition of repentance is to 1-regret or feel sorrow for past conduct OR 2-to turn away from sin).
So here I go!
Oh, and please don't try to get me to be catty or spiteful just for your own amusement! I'm really, really trying to better myself here, people!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Shalom.....?
I wish I had the gall to make it through Ramadan...only 1 week can you believe it? I have no excuses except that I'm not experienced with Ramadan and practicing something that no one else around you is practicing is so very difficult. It makes it easier to understand why countries that are predominantly Islam basically shut down during the daylight hours of Ramadan. All those cranky, hungry people trying to devote themselves to God...can't be easy! I can't even imagine how difficult it was for my former boss, Omar to spend his day cooking food and not being able to eat! TORTURE!
I have to admit though, that over the past month, I really feel as though my bond with God is deepening. I have been reading the Koran and really feel as though my comprehension of God is deepening...but at the same time shrinking- but in the best of ways. I am human. I am not perfect. I will think horrible things, I will doubt myself, I will fuck up. To think that I would ever be able to fully comprehend that which created not only me but every thing around me is beyond arrogant- but I will try and comprehend God as best as I can with my limited human brain. I've been speaking to God and trying to abstain form things that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt God wouldn't approve of my doing.
I've really been geting into yoga this past year. It's basically required in the Hindu religion and it's something that has really been sticking with me. I take two yoga classes a week along with a pi-yo (pilates-yoga together) class. and it's really helping me to get in touch with my body. At the end of my yoga classes, we take a corpse pose and basically just meditate on our thoughts. I've been using this time to really meditate on my own prayers and when the meditation is finished, I feel this wave of contentment and comfort. I feel so clear headed that I can only contribute it to a higher power that has come down onto me and reassured me that my soul searching has to be working and leading me to a closer relationship with God.
So now I am onto my study of Judaism with the celebration of Rosh Hashanah at the end of the month. I have a copy of the Torah and some supplemental reading (including some stuff on Kabbalah) to help guide me on my study. My knowledge of Judaism to be honest is pretty limited to what most Christians would know about Judaism which I'm going to assume isn't a damn thing. I was actually engaged to a Jew before I met Kiel, but he didn't really practice. So like the other religions, I hope to be able to further my understanding of this religion and of God. I feel that with my study of Islam, I have really furthered my comprehension of just how forgiving and understanding God is. You know what is constantly repeated in the Koran, "Allah is most merciful. Allah is most forgiving." Over and over and over this phrase is repeated. God knows our hearts. God knows if we want to be good people and if we want to please God and that is what really matters. I have been told similar things all of my life from the Christian perspective but reading in the Koran really drove it home. I wonder what I will learn from Judaism.
I have to admit though, that over the past month, I really feel as though my bond with God is deepening. I have been reading the Koran and really feel as though my comprehension of God is deepening...but at the same time shrinking- but in the best of ways. I am human. I am not perfect. I will think horrible things, I will doubt myself, I will fuck up. To think that I would ever be able to fully comprehend that which created not only me but every thing around me is beyond arrogant- but I will try and comprehend God as best as I can with my limited human brain. I've been speaking to God and trying to abstain form things that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt God wouldn't approve of my doing.
I've really been geting into yoga this past year. It's basically required in the Hindu religion and it's something that has really been sticking with me. I take two yoga classes a week along with a pi-yo (pilates-yoga together) class. and it's really helping me to get in touch with my body. At the end of my yoga classes, we take a corpse pose and basically just meditate on our thoughts. I've been using this time to really meditate on my own prayers and when the meditation is finished, I feel this wave of contentment and comfort. I feel so clear headed that I can only contribute it to a higher power that has come down onto me and reassured me that my soul searching has to be working and leading me to a closer relationship with God.
So now I am onto my study of Judaism with the celebration of Rosh Hashanah at the end of the month. I have a copy of the Torah and some supplemental reading (including some stuff on Kabbalah) to help guide me on my study. My knowledge of Judaism to be honest is pretty limited to what most Christians would know about Judaism which I'm going to assume isn't a damn thing. I was actually engaged to a Jew before I met Kiel, but he didn't really practice. So like the other religions, I hope to be able to further my understanding of this religion and of God. I feel that with my study of Islam, I have really furthered my comprehension of just how forgiving and understanding God is. You know what is constantly repeated in the Koran, "Allah is most merciful. Allah is most forgiving." Over and over and over this phrase is repeated. God knows our hearts. God knows if we want to be good people and if we want to please God and that is what really matters. I have been told similar things all of my life from the Christian perspective but reading in the Koran really drove it home. I wonder what I will learn from Judaism.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Why I'm taking this weekend off from Ramadan.
While I haven't eaten past dawn today, I have drank water. I woke up with a massive headache and could barely sleep through the night due to hot flashes I kept getting. I woke up sweaty but my temprature was only 97. I still have a headache but if I were to continue with the fast, I wouldn't even be ale to take the medication to help my head or it would be considered breaking my fast (which, to be honest, I think out of all the exceptions, God would forgive me taking a tylenol, or someone with a sinus infection taking augmentin, or someone with asthma taking a puff off their inhaler). But- that's not even the biggest reason I am taking a "break."
I am only 100 pages (or roughly abou 1/3) into the Qu'ran, so I don't feel as though I have a full perspective of Islam....but the fasting and the mandated prayer IS getting to me. I have never really had prayer be a chore- something I HAD to do. And I realized it this morning as I dreaded waking up at 4:00 am to eat breakfast and pray, that God had become a task, a job...almost a burden ("No girls, I can't go to lunch with you....it's Ramadan...." or me rushing home from OFA so I can pray, or even how praying itself, my communication with God had become monotonous. The words I would express towards God became repetitive and without any deep meaning whatsoever).
This is the exact opposite of what I set out to do. I want to be closer to God, experience God on a much deeper, personal level. I'm certain that God would much rather I come to Him/Her with love and devotion, not because I'm carrying out a daily task. While I think that the coming to God in prayer multiple times during the day is a wonderful thing- by having God always on some part of your mind, you are always reminded of God's love and it helps keep you from doing bad things if you are always thinking of God and what He/She wants for you. But when it became a chore, something I HAD to do five times a day- it became a burden and I CANNOT allow God to become a burden to me. Which leads me to........
PERSONAL TRUTH # 2: WORSHIP GOD OUT OF LOVE, NOT BECAUSE "YOU HAVE TO."
In one of my favorite movies, Dogma, Selma Hayak sums up how she feels about Linda Florentino's obligation to Catholicism by saying "I have a problem with some Catholics who treat God like a burden instead of blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Why would God want praise and prayer from people who would feel that way about Him/Her? I wouldn't. I wouldn't want someone to come spend time with me if they really didn't want to. It's insulting. I want to be able to come to God with love and because I want to. Granted, I DO think that people need to come to God a few times during the day, but to give someone 5 specific times of the day and say "You have to come to God and devote this specific time of day to God," just seems to be the exact opposite...at least for me. It's like when you tell a kid that they HAVE to spend time inside with elderly relatives, when they would much rather be outside playing. You can certainly tell that they would rather be elsewhere. Do you think that God wants you to come to Him/Her in prayer when He/She can certainly tell you would rather be elsewhere? I don't.
So this weekend I am going to take it easy and try to wrap my head around this whole concept. Spend some time with Qu'ran and speak to God the way I always try to- with love and because I want to speak to God. Hopefully after a weekend of self reflection I will either be able to continue Ramadan on Monday with a clear head and a fresh perspective or I won't and then I can prepare for my study of Judaism.
I am only 100 pages (or roughly abou 1/3) into the Qu'ran, so I don't feel as though I have a full perspective of Islam....but the fasting and the mandated prayer IS getting to me. I have never really had prayer be a chore- something I HAD to do. And I realized it this morning as I dreaded waking up at 4:00 am to eat breakfast and pray, that God had become a task, a job...almost a burden ("No girls, I can't go to lunch with you....it's Ramadan...." or me rushing home from OFA so I can pray, or even how praying itself, my communication with God had become monotonous. The words I would express towards God became repetitive and without any deep meaning whatsoever).
This is the exact opposite of what I set out to do. I want to be closer to God, experience God on a much deeper, personal level. I'm certain that God would much rather I come to Him/Her with love and devotion, not because I'm carrying out a daily task. While I think that the coming to God in prayer multiple times during the day is a wonderful thing- by having God always on some part of your mind, you are always reminded of God's love and it helps keep you from doing bad things if you are always thinking of God and what He/She wants for you. But when it became a chore, something I HAD to do five times a day- it became a burden and I CANNOT allow God to become a burden to me. Which leads me to........
PERSONAL TRUTH # 2: WORSHIP GOD OUT OF LOVE, NOT BECAUSE "YOU HAVE TO."
In one of my favorite movies, Dogma, Selma Hayak sums up how she feels about Linda Florentino's obligation to Catholicism by saying "I have a problem with some Catholics who treat God like a burden instead of blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Why would God want praise and prayer from people who would feel that way about Him/Her? I wouldn't. I wouldn't want someone to come spend time with me if they really didn't want to. It's insulting. I want to be able to come to God with love and because I want to. Granted, I DO think that people need to come to God a few times during the day, but to give someone 5 specific times of the day and say "You have to come to God and devote this specific time of day to God," just seems to be the exact opposite...at least for me. It's like when you tell a kid that they HAVE to spend time inside with elderly relatives, when they would much rather be outside playing. You can certainly tell that they would rather be elsewhere. Do you think that God wants you to come to Him/Her in prayer when He/She can certainly tell you would rather be elsewhere? I don't.
So this weekend I am going to take it easy and try to wrap my head around this whole concept. Spend some time with Qu'ran and speak to God the way I always try to- with love and because I want to speak to God. Hopefully after a weekend of self reflection I will either be able to continue Ramadan on Monday with a clear head and a fresh perspective or I won't and then I can prepare for my study of Judaism.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Day 3 of Ramadan 7:01
I'm not supposed say "evil words," so to be safe, I'm not writing them either, but know that many many F words are running through my head right now.
I want to just bury my face in that pureed advocado (for the chicken salad sandwiches I made for dinner, that Kiel already ate and told me it was wonderful) after I down about a liter of ice cold water. I drank a little bit of water earlier. As soon as I swallowed it, all I could think was "fuck." and when trying to get Loki to eat a piece of cheese I sort of ate a bite. I'll have to make sure to ask Allah for forgiveness for that when I'm actually supposed to break my fast in 40 minutes. I'll make sure to find something to donate to the poor as well...that is supposed to help if you break the fast or something...I'm not sure I'm reading a lot of different things.
What made today different than the other days though? My early morning breakfast was yogurt, which varied from my usual cheerios breakfast, but the calorie count is supposed to higher in the yogurt I had.... I took Loki to day care and went in to OFA today, as opposed to staying home and play, and so I wasn't able to lounge around and read my Koran during his nap like I have been. Perhaps just going out and such was too much, because there were moments when I would get up or when I ran up the stairs where I kind of felt like I got up too fast and would see spots. So perhaps, according to some things I have been reading, it was Allah that provoked me to eat/drink? I don't know. Crap this is hard. I have 18 minutes until the fast is supposed to be over now. All of this stuff I read is so contradictory. Allah doesn't want to harm us, yet we can't take medications (like asthma inhalers) when fasting, or have injections? My head is swarming because all I can think of is how thirsty I am and how badly I am ready to have dinner, my stomach feels as though it is literally cramping upon itself. I think so much more clearly after I eat and I'm better able to do my chores around the house because I don't feel so run down.
Now I feel like a total vagina. Seriously. How can these people in the middle east, who are dealing with conditions similar to mine in Las Vegas, be able to complete Ramadan while I fall prey to piece of cheese and a gulp of water?!?!?!?!
Well I guess I'm just human...I'll try again tomorrow.
I want to just bury my face in that pureed advocado (for the chicken salad sandwiches I made for dinner, that Kiel already ate and told me it was wonderful) after I down about a liter of ice cold water. I drank a little bit of water earlier. As soon as I swallowed it, all I could think was "fuck." and when trying to get Loki to eat a piece of cheese I sort of ate a bite. I'll have to make sure to ask Allah for forgiveness for that when I'm actually supposed to break my fast in 40 minutes. I'll make sure to find something to donate to the poor as well...that is supposed to help if you break the fast or something...I'm not sure I'm reading a lot of different things.
What made today different than the other days though? My early morning breakfast was yogurt, which varied from my usual cheerios breakfast, but the calorie count is supposed to higher in the yogurt I had.... I took Loki to day care and went in to OFA today, as opposed to staying home and play, and so I wasn't able to lounge around and read my Koran during his nap like I have been. Perhaps just going out and such was too much, because there were moments when I would get up or when I ran up the stairs where I kind of felt like I got up too fast and would see spots. So perhaps, according to some things I have been reading, it was Allah that provoked me to eat/drink? I don't know. Crap this is hard. I have 18 minutes until the fast is supposed to be over now. All of this stuff I read is so contradictory. Allah doesn't want to harm us, yet we can't take medications (like asthma inhalers) when fasting, or have injections? My head is swarming because all I can think of is how thirsty I am and how badly I am ready to have dinner, my stomach feels as though it is literally cramping upon itself. I think so much more clearly after I eat and I'm better able to do my chores around the house because I don't feel so run down.
Now I feel like a total vagina. Seriously. How can these people in the middle east, who are dealing with conditions similar to mine in Las Vegas, be able to complete Ramadan while I fall prey to piece of cheese and a gulp of water?!?!?!?!
Well I guess I'm just human...I'll try again tomorrow.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Day 1 of Ramadan 4:00
Holy poop am I really about to do this?
I tossed throughout the night. Probably nerves or something. And seriously, 4:00 has a way of sneaking up on you. I came downstairs and poured myself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios (SSSHHH!!!! Don't tell Kiel! That's "his cereal.") and now I'm trying to chug my second bottle of water this morning so I won't be dehydrated throughout the day. For some reason my tongue already feels scratchy, like when you are really thirsty. I have 6 minutes until the Fajr call to prayer and then it will be considered dawn and the fasting of Ramadan starts. Now 5 minutes. I got this app on my phone so I can get the "call to prayer" throughout the day (gotta love technology). Now 4 minutes.
Kiel really doesn't want me to do this, but I feel if I don't, I would be lessening the entire point of my doing this search for God over the past year. Now 3 minutes. Ramadan is considered the holiest month to Islam and so I have to take advantage of something considered so holy when I am trying to further my understanding and personal relationship with God. Now 2 minutes. If it doesm't work out, it doesn't work out, but the point is that I TRY.
So I hope that I don't completely botch this whole prayer thing. I thought it was just bowing down and praying like what we see on TV, but there seems to be an entire ritual to it and I only googled it last night. 1 minute left. I'm sure God will be compassionate with me on this though. I have only started reading the Koran and so I am really just taking that and EVERY single conflicting thing I find (because they are all different!) and doing what I can. Maybe I will visit one of the Mosques around here for further insight.
And there is my call to prayer. Time to nut up or shut up.
Praise be to Allah!
So I'm not sure if I did that right. I started but then had to stop because you are supposed to wash your hands, feet, face and head before coming to Allah for prayer. Thankfully I happened to have some baby wipes nearby (seriously, those things can be used for so much!) so I had to pause for a bit to do that. I stood up and faced Mecca (using my app to make sure I was in the right direction), lifted my hands up and silently said my praises and then fell to my knees and asked Allah for forgiveness and strength and then bowed to Allah and gave more personal prayers (which are between myself and God thank you very much). I'm sure I will be able to fine tune it a bit over the next month.
The fasting has started.
Nothing to eat or drink until Maghrib prayer which will be at 7:46 tonight.
Time to truely devote myself to getting to know God, as I am expected (for Ramadan) to read the entire Koran over the next 30 days.
And now back to bed!
I tossed throughout the night. Probably nerves or something. And seriously, 4:00 has a way of sneaking up on you. I came downstairs and poured myself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios (SSSHHH!!!! Don't tell Kiel! That's "his cereal.") and now I'm trying to chug my second bottle of water this morning so I won't be dehydrated throughout the day. For some reason my tongue already feels scratchy, like when you are really thirsty. I have 6 minutes until the Fajr call to prayer and then it will be considered dawn and the fasting of Ramadan starts. Now 5 minutes. I got this app on my phone so I can get the "call to prayer" throughout the day (gotta love technology). Now 4 minutes.
Kiel really doesn't want me to do this, but I feel if I don't, I would be lessening the entire point of my doing this search for God over the past year. Now 3 minutes. Ramadan is considered the holiest month to Islam and so I have to take advantage of something considered so holy when I am trying to further my understanding and personal relationship with God. Now 2 minutes. If it doesm't work out, it doesn't work out, but the point is that I TRY.
So I hope that I don't completely botch this whole prayer thing. I thought it was just bowing down and praying like what we see on TV, but there seems to be an entire ritual to it and I only googled it last night. 1 minute left. I'm sure God will be compassionate with me on this though. I have only started reading the Koran and so I am really just taking that and EVERY single conflicting thing I find (because they are all different!) and doing what I can. Maybe I will visit one of the Mosques around here for further insight.
And there is my call to prayer. Time to nut up or shut up.
Praise be to Allah!
So I'm not sure if I did that right. I started but then had to stop because you are supposed to wash your hands, feet, face and head before coming to Allah for prayer. Thankfully I happened to have some baby wipes nearby (seriously, those things can be used for so much!) so I had to pause for a bit to do that. I stood up and faced Mecca (using my app to make sure I was in the right direction), lifted my hands up and silently said my praises and then fell to my knees and asked Allah for forgiveness and strength and then bowed to Allah and gave more personal prayers (which are between myself and God thank you very much). I'm sure I will be able to fine tune it a bit over the next month.
The fasting has started.
Nothing to eat or drink until Maghrib prayer which will be at 7:46 tonight.
Time to truely devote myself to getting to know God, as I am expected (for Ramadan) to read the entire Koran over the next 30 days.
And now back to bed!
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