After being in labor for close the 17 hours, the Doctor informed me that my labor was not progressing, Loki had actually moved back up, and he was not responding well to the pitocin that had been given to me shortly before. Also my water had been broken for almost 12 hours, and I was becoming a risk for infection. A C-section had become neccasary. I was scared and Kiel wasn't there. He was in Iraq, watching on a webcam (when the crappy Iraqi internet would let him connect long enough to get on Skype). My Moms were there and so was my sister, but I could tell my Mom (the birth one) was scared because she said she just couldn't go into the OR with me, that my Mom, Boo was going to go in with me. I don't normally see my Mom scared so that was something. So here I was, bloated from the gallons on IV fluid I had been given for the past 24 hours, a bit stoned from the stadol and the epidural, my husband being a current blip on my laptop screen, my sister turning white as a ghost and almost passing out when the nurse first stuck me for the IV and my Mom, the strongest and least emotional woman I have EVER known, was scared. I was a bit thirsty so I went to grab my ice water. The nurse told me I couldn't drink any more water, as I needed to have my stomach as empty as possible for the surgery. Upon hearing this, I went from a bit parched to fucking dying of thirst. I NEEDED water and I NEEDED it right then and there. I was screaming how thirsty I was, that I wanted just a sip of water before I was wheeled off into surgery. After the surgery was over, I was still a bit thirsty, but it wasn't consuming me like it had been before my surgery....I could wait.
The more and more I read about Islam, the more I seem to like it. This is the same God that I grew up with- the God of Moses, David, and Jesus....it just seems to be a different perspective of God. I stand by my decision to not currently practice it, but that is because I don't know how to practice it. I was vaguely familiar with Wiccian, Buddhism and Hinduism and I started reading Dianetics before I stepped foot into the Scientology Center (you know they STILL call me and send me mail?!). My scope of Islam has been extremely limited to post 9/11 propaganda, and what I remember from my Muslim boss when I worked at the Citrus Cafe and he never forced his religion on anybody...he had too much shit to do at the restaurant. For the most part, we all knew that if the door to his office was closed, he was probably praying and that when Ramadan rolled around, he would be especially cranky. Now I am learning about Islam and it really seems to be a very beautiful religion. It places such a strong emphasis on family, being kind to your parents and truly devoting yourself to your children. And so far I haven't seen alot of fire and brimstone "do this or go to hell" type of talk but there has been much about paradise.
So Ramadan starts August 1. I really want to try and tackle this. While I may not have been practicing Islam this month, I stated in the beginning that I would participate in Ramadan and being that it is one of the five pillars of Islam, even if I half ass this month, I NEED to do Ramadan. Ramadan is considered to be the time when God revealed the Koran to Muhammad. During that lunar cycle, there is a fast during sunlight hours, nothing to eat or drink.....that's right not even water. That's what has kind of been getting me. Take my food. Take my soda....but WATER?! How am I going to be able to do this?!?!?!?! I'm going to be suffering from a thirst that is, no doubt going to be greatly exaggerated by the simple fact that I WANT IT but CAN'T HAVE IT. According to Muslim belief, during Ramadan, the gates of hell are closed, making it easier to stay committed to the task of Ramadan and the gates of heaven are wide open (NOTE TO SELF: MAKE SURE TO DIE DURING RAMADAN.....JUST TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF SAFETY) and all good deeds, acts of faith and acts of charity are multiplied during this time (Islam is a religion that is focused on acts good acts and good intents vs bad acts. That's right, bad intentions that are not acted upon are not something that God holds against you, which I totally think is true by the way).....I'm also not supposed to smoke (not a problem there, as I quit again when I got back to Vegas) and not have sex during the daylight hours (Kiel will not be happy with that....like he really needed another reason to not like Islam) and in all common sense, when I start my rag I discontinue actual fasting until it ends.
So I think I'm going to try it. Ramadan is a HUGE part of Islam (Like I mentioned, it is one of the five pillars) but more than that, it is a time to devote yourself to God and to discipline yourself so it will be more difficult for you to be tempted to do bad things (I have certainly done bad things and would love to be more disciplined and strong willed)....Add into that, it is said that if you fast and have faith during Ramadan that your past sins are forgiven and most importantly Ramadan is time where you are BRINGING YOURSELF CLOSER TO GOD. That is exactly what I want! My faith is not a problem. I KNOW that there is a higher power that created this world and created me. My dilema is WHO or WHAT is this higher power? I want that personal relationship with God. I want to know exactly what God wants from me and what I need to do to please God.
So if Islam is offering me a month where I can get exactly what I want then I would be a fool to not take it and see where it takes me. Best case scenario- I am able to get that awe inspiring relationship with God while being able to lose a few pounds and shrink my mudflap (keeping me from considering that smart lipo deal I recently saw on Groupon). Worst case scenario- I gain no deepening relationship with God and turn into a cranky, tired and very thirsty bitch for the next month causing Kiel and I to get into a few extra arguments. Eh. No pain no gain, right?
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