So I'm not sure how I was able to do this, but one day, my best friend Allie and I were able to text each other for close to 6 hours throughout our day. Serious! I was texting her on the eliptical and in between reps at the gym, texting her ta stop lights (I don't text and drive, thank you), texting her during lunch and even texting her before and after meditation. The whole conversation was about religion. I have to admit I am having a bit of trouble fully letting go of all of my Christian upbringing....why? Because we (Christians) have basically been taught that if we do not follow Christianity we are going to hell. Isn't that funny, though? That out of everything, the years of Christian School, youth groups, Bible studies, missionary trips, Christian youth conferences- the main thing that is sticking to me about Christianity is the whole fire and brimstone aspect?
Well back to the thought at hand, so basically one of the biggest challenges in dealing with trying on other religions, is the whole faith thing. I used to have that shit down in spades. I was over flowing with faith and felt as though I were filled with God's love even if I found myself disagreeing with parts of the Bible. Then I met more than a few Christians who turned God's love into hate and used it put others down. Christians that would claim to be filled with love and compassion and their actions would show the exact opposite to people who didn't fit their mold of what a person should be. It was disgusting, saddening and the worst part is that this wasn't just one or two or five or ten people this has easily been more than half of the Christians I have associated with my entire life. Just look at Westboro Baptist Chruch! They exploit the Bible to spread a message of hate...and I admit, they are an exaggerated version of the hypocritical Christians I have met, but their message is practically the same as Jerry Falwell's message shortly after 9/11 that we were attacked because of feminists, gays and the ACLU:
"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"
-Jerry Falwell
Now I am well aware that not all Christians are like this fat hateful turd. Up until I started this project, I identified myself as a Christian and enjoyed the company of good Christians. But this man is a REVEREND- a proclaimed man of God who is basically taking the message of God and perverting it into a message of hate and spoon feeding it to thousands.
So Allie suggested that in order to help me on my journey, I needed to find my basic, personal spiritual truths. Sounds easy, enough? Nope it isn't. This conversation was weeks ago and I have MAYBE come up with two truths. But maybe that is all I need.....
PERSONAL TRUTH 1: GOD IS LOVE
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This has been my favorite Bible verse for at least the past 10 years. God's love is pure beautiful and unconditional...always compared to the love a parent has for a child. I didn't understand that analogy until I became a parent. The love I have for my son is consuming. He is always in my thoughts. I would do anything for him to keep him well and happy. My biggest goal for him is to be HAPPY and to be a GOOD PERSON.
It would be extremely arrogant to flat out compare the love I have for my son to the love God has for me. God....well God is freaking God and I am imperfect- filled with selfish wants and desires that all people have anf the narcissim that seems to be just a normal attribute of an American. But using a parent's love as template- I KNOW that God loves me, no matter what religion they may be a part of.....God loves me when I am on my rag and so hormonal I could literally murder someone. God loves me when I am without make up and have my hair up in a knot. God loves me when I am flustered, frustrated and at wit's end. God loves me when I feel like I have fucked up beyond repair and like a good parent, God will give me the strength to get through it. With that love, I don't think that God wants me to conform to everyone else...if God did, we never would've had free will. I think God wants me to learn, grow and be a HAPPY, GOOD PERSON.
So if God loves me so much...why would God banish me to a eternity of hell fire? Buddhists don't believe in Hell and neither do Hindus. In fact, Hindus can't understand how an all powerful loving God would send someone to hell for eternity. Even Muslims have some debate over the whole status of Hell....most of them believe Hell is a temporary place to atone for sins...Kind of like being grounded. It sucks when it happens, but it isn't forever. Because God is loving, God is compassionate, God is merciful.
So the hell aspect is still something to question....but I KNOW in my heart, in my bones, at the very core of my existance that God is LOVE.
This is the only truth I can really put to paper....The others I can't seem to find the words for yet...But when I do, I'll be sure to announce them to the world.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
All this talk about Ramadan is giving me cotton mouth!
After being in labor for close the 17 hours, the Doctor informed me that my labor was not progressing, Loki had actually moved back up, and he was not responding well to the pitocin that had been given to me shortly before. Also my water had been broken for almost 12 hours, and I was becoming a risk for infection. A C-section had become neccasary. I was scared and Kiel wasn't there. He was in Iraq, watching on a webcam (when the crappy Iraqi internet would let him connect long enough to get on Skype). My Moms were there and so was my sister, but I could tell my Mom (the birth one) was scared because she said she just couldn't go into the OR with me, that my Mom, Boo was going to go in with me. I don't normally see my Mom scared so that was something. So here I was, bloated from the gallons on IV fluid I had been given for the past 24 hours, a bit stoned from the stadol and the epidural, my husband being a current blip on my laptop screen, my sister turning white as a ghost and almost passing out when the nurse first stuck me for the IV and my Mom, the strongest and least emotional woman I have EVER known, was scared. I was a bit thirsty so I went to grab my ice water. The nurse told me I couldn't drink any more water, as I needed to have my stomach as empty as possible for the surgery. Upon hearing this, I went from a bit parched to fucking dying of thirst. I NEEDED water and I NEEDED it right then and there. I was screaming how thirsty I was, that I wanted just a sip of water before I was wheeled off into surgery. After the surgery was over, I was still a bit thirsty, but it wasn't consuming me like it had been before my surgery....I could wait.
The more and more I read about Islam, the more I seem to like it. This is the same God that I grew up with- the God of Moses, David, and Jesus....it just seems to be a different perspective of God. I stand by my decision to not currently practice it, but that is because I don't know how to practice it. I was vaguely familiar with Wiccian, Buddhism and Hinduism and I started reading Dianetics before I stepped foot into the Scientology Center (you know they STILL call me and send me mail?!). My scope of Islam has been extremely limited to post 9/11 propaganda, and what I remember from my Muslim boss when I worked at the Citrus Cafe and he never forced his religion on anybody...he had too much shit to do at the restaurant. For the most part, we all knew that if the door to his office was closed, he was probably praying and that when Ramadan rolled around, he would be especially cranky. Now I am learning about Islam and it really seems to be a very beautiful religion. It places such a strong emphasis on family, being kind to your parents and truly devoting yourself to your children. And so far I haven't seen alot of fire and brimstone "do this or go to hell" type of talk but there has been much about paradise.
So Ramadan starts August 1. I really want to try and tackle this. While I may not have been practicing Islam this month, I stated in the beginning that I would participate in Ramadan and being that it is one of the five pillars of Islam, even if I half ass this month, I NEED to do Ramadan. Ramadan is considered to be the time when God revealed the Koran to Muhammad. During that lunar cycle, there is a fast during sunlight hours, nothing to eat or drink.....that's right not even water. That's what has kind of been getting me. Take my food. Take my soda....but WATER?! How am I going to be able to do this?!?!?!?! I'm going to be suffering from a thirst that is, no doubt going to be greatly exaggerated by the simple fact that I WANT IT but CAN'T HAVE IT. According to Muslim belief, during Ramadan, the gates of hell are closed, making it easier to stay committed to the task of Ramadan and the gates of heaven are wide open (NOTE TO SELF: MAKE SURE TO DIE DURING RAMADAN.....JUST TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF SAFETY) and all good deeds, acts of faith and acts of charity are multiplied during this time (Islam is a religion that is focused on acts good acts and good intents vs bad acts. That's right, bad intentions that are not acted upon are not something that God holds against you, which I totally think is true by the way).....I'm also not supposed to smoke (not a problem there, as I quit again when I got back to Vegas) and not have sex during the daylight hours (Kiel will not be happy with that....like he really needed another reason to not like Islam) and in all common sense, when I start my rag I discontinue actual fasting until it ends.
So I think I'm going to try it. Ramadan is a HUGE part of Islam (Like I mentioned, it is one of the five pillars) but more than that, it is a time to devote yourself to God and to discipline yourself so it will be more difficult for you to be tempted to do bad things (I have certainly done bad things and would love to be more disciplined and strong willed)....Add into that, it is said that if you fast and have faith during Ramadan that your past sins are forgiven and most importantly Ramadan is time where you are BRINGING YOURSELF CLOSER TO GOD. That is exactly what I want! My faith is not a problem. I KNOW that there is a higher power that created this world and created me. My dilema is WHO or WHAT is this higher power? I want that personal relationship with God. I want to know exactly what God wants from me and what I need to do to please God.
So if Islam is offering me a month where I can get exactly what I want then I would be a fool to not take it and see where it takes me. Best case scenario- I am able to get that awe inspiring relationship with God while being able to lose a few pounds and shrink my mudflap (keeping me from considering that smart lipo deal I recently saw on Groupon). Worst case scenario- I gain no deepening relationship with God and turn into a cranky, tired and very thirsty bitch for the next month causing Kiel and I to get into a few extra arguments. Eh. No pain no gain, right?
The more and more I read about Islam, the more I seem to like it. This is the same God that I grew up with- the God of Moses, David, and Jesus....it just seems to be a different perspective of God. I stand by my decision to not currently practice it, but that is because I don't know how to practice it. I was vaguely familiar with Wiccian, Buddhism and Hinduism and I started reading Dianetics before I stepped foot into the Scientology Center (you know they STILL call me and send me mail?!). My scope of Islam has been extremely limited to post 9/11 propaganda, and what I remember from my Muslim boss when I worked at the Citrus Cafe and he never forced his religion on anybody...he had too much shit to do at the restaurant. For the most part, we all knew that if the door to his office was closed, he was probably praying and that when Ramadan rolled around, he would be especially cranky. Now I am learning about Islam and it really seems to be a very beautiful religion. It places such a strong emphasis on family, being kind to your parents and truly devoting yourself to your children. And so far I haven't seen alot of fire and brimstone "do this or go to hell" type of talk but there has been much about paradise.
So Ramadan starts August 1. I really want to try and tackle this. While I may not have been practicing Islam this month, I stated in the beginning that I would participate in Ramadan and being that it is one of the five pillars of Islam, even if I half ass this month, I NEED to do Ramadan. Ramadan is considered to be the time when God revealed the Koran to Muhammad. During that lunar cycle, there is a fast during sunlight hours, nothing to eat or drink.....that's right not even water. That's what has kind of been getting me. Take my food. Take my soda....but WATER?! How am I going to be able to do this?!?!?!?! I'm going to be suffering from a thirst that is, no doubt going to be greatly exaggerated by the simple fact that I WANT IT but CAN'T HAVE IT. According to Muslim belief, during Ramadan, the gates of hell are closed, making it easier to stay committed to the task of Ramadan and the gates of heaven are wide open (NOTE TO SELF: MAKE SURE TO DIE DURING RAMADAN.....JUST TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF SAFETY) and all good deeds, acts of faith and acts of charity are multiplied during this time (Islam is a religion that is focused on acts good acts and good intents vs bad acts. That's right, bad intentions that are not acted upon are not something that God holds against you, which I totally think is true by the way).....I'm also not supposed to smoke (not a problem there, as I quit again when I got back to Vegas) and not have sex during the daylight hours (Kiel will not be happy with that....like he really needed another reason to not like Islam) and in all common sense, when I start my rag I discontinue actual fasting until it ends.
So I think I'm going to try it. Ramadan is a HUGE part of Islam (Like I mentioned, it is one of the five pillars) but more than that, it is a time to devote yourself to God and to discipline yourself so it will be more difficult for you to be tempted to do bad things (I have certainly done bad things and would love to be more disciplined and strong willed)....Add into that, it is said that if you fast and have faith during Ramadan that your past sins are forgiven and most importantly Ramadan is time where you are BRINGING YOURSELF CLOSER TO GOD. That is exactly what I want! My faith is not a problem. I KNOW that there is a higher power that created this world and created me. My dilema is WHO or WHAT is this higher power? I want that personal relationship with God. I want to know exactly what God wants from me and what I need to do to please God.
So if Islam is offering me a month where I can get exactly what I want then I would be a fool to not take it and see where it takes me. Best case scenario- I am able to get that awe inspiring relationship with God while being able to lose a few pounds and shrink my mudflap (keeping me from considering that smart lipo deal I recently saw on Groupon). Worst case scenario- I gain no deepening relationship with God and turn into a cranky, tired and very thirsty bitch for the next month causing Kiel and I to get into a few extra arguments. Eh. No pain no gain, right?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sorry, but I'm an American in Las Vegas....I don't do burkas...or abstain from booze.
Ok...so I know on the schedule for July and August I would try on Islam...but the more I research it...the more I just don't see it happening. And since this is MY project, I get to change the rules anyway I see fit. And while I may not have yet found God the way that I am so desperately craving, there are some aspects of Islam that I just KNOW aren't going to work for me. I understand that the Muslim woman is supposed to dress modestly. I understand that this is a great way to get someone to focus on your mind and your words as opposed to viewing you as a sexual object...and that is AWESOME. But that is not me. In all seriousness, if I could get away it and not have to subject people to my awesome c-section "mud flap" (as I affectionately call it) I would be naked all the fucking time. The human body is a beautiful miracle, we are born naked, we express love naked (in theory, for the most part) and from our bodies and the expression of love that comes from our bodies, we are able to create life!!! Adam and Eve lived happily in the buff until they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil......plus it's fucking July in the Mojave Desert....asking ANYONE to dress more modestly than a tank top and shorts is like sentencing them to death by fire.
Second on the list, I like the occasional glass of wine or a beer with my husband or friends. It's the fermented juice of nature! And while we are on that topic....I also like pork, though that really wouldn't be a hassle to give up and I like gelatin (always room for jell-o!). While these requirements aren't the super deal breaker...they just seem to go against my thoughts of God. God put us on this paradise with everything we would ever need to not only be sustained but to be happy. While I can understand how many religions during their inception said things like "no pork, no shellfish blah blah blah" because of the dangers of food poisoning- It's 2011. Mankind has developed and learned enough to where I can eat a slab a center cut bacon and not worry that I'm going to get some weird disease. If it's from the Earth, how bad can it be? (and yes, I totally think pot should be legal...seriously...the government wants to get their panties in a wad about a fucking plant when people are overdosing on synthetic heroin that they get from a Dr!? God made pot- man made oxycontin- who do you trust?)
But the biggest reason that I just cannot practice Islam is the fact that I must continue to spite my husband in the wonderful way that only a liberal American woman can spite her husband and not give him the option of being "in control" of her. I saw Kiel's eyes sparkle when I told him I was considering practicing Islam. "This means you will have to listen to me and obey me," he said with excitement creeping into his voice. Ok, so I'm not a total fucking idiot, I have heard of the women that undergo genital mutilation because it is considered more "clean" for them to not be able to orgasm during sex. I have seen the pictures of women wearing burkas, we have all heard about Bin Laden's multiple wives and how the terrorists of al Queda hope to be greeted by a shit ton of virgins in the after life (which, to be honest, doesn't sound much like heaven for those virgins....first time....normally isn't a very fun time) or women being raped, stoned in the streets, beaten, denied education and basically treated with less respect than a walking blow up doll (at least the doll gets hand washed and treated delicately for fear for popping her). BUT........all religions have their nutjobs and psycho sects and this project would be still amount to a total fucking waste of time if I passed up the oppurtunity to educated myself on one of the world's largest religion. I keep reading online from Islamic women that Islam is very pro-women's rights and one of the best things I have learned from Buddhism is to seek the truth out for myself. SO....while I may not be practicing Islam for the next two months, I am not going to let myself fall prey to the believing what I am told about a religion when I could certainly study it first hand.
So I am going to order an English translation of the Koran and some reference books so I can educate myself on Islam. While I may not be actively practicing anything for the next couple of months, since this falls right in the middle of the year, I'm going to use this time to get my bearings together- what do I believe now? Where am I leaning? What am I learning? And basically just take some time to shut the fuck up. Perhaps my problem over the past 7 months is that God has been talking to me and I've just been too busy trying to find God to hear God. I may still even participate in Ramadan....it just sounds so simple- it's devotion in the easiest terms and strictest sense......Obey Kiel...HA! That's some funny shit!
Second on the list, I like the occasional glass of wine or a beer with my husband or friends. It's the fermented juice of nature! And while we are on that topic....I also like pork, though that really wouldn't be a hassle to give up and I like gelatin (always room for jell-o!). While these requirements aren't the super deal breaker...they just seem to go against my thoughts of God. God put us on this paradise with everything we would ever need to not only be sustained but to be happy. While I can understand how many religions during their inception said things like "no pork, no shellfish blah blah blah" because of the dangers of food poisoning- It's 2011. Mankind has developed and learned enough to where I can eat a slab a center cut bacon and not worry that I'm going to get some weird disease. If it's from the Earth, how bad can it be? (and yes, I totally think pot should be legal...seriously...the government wants to get their panties in a wad about a fucking plant when people are overdosing on synthetic heroin that they get from a Dr!? God made pot- man made oxycontin- who do you trust?)
But the biggest reason that I just cannot practice Islam is the fact that I must continue to spite my husband in the wonderful way that only a liberal American woman can spite her husband and not give him the option of being "in control" of her. I saw Kiel's eyes sparkle when I told him I was considering practicing Islam. "This means you will have to listen to me and obey me," he said with excitement creeping into his voice. Ok, so I'm not a total fucking idiot, I have heard of the women that undergo genital mutilation because it is considered more "clean" for them to not be able to orgasm during sex. I have seen the pictures of women wearing burkas, we have all heard about Bin Laden's multiple wives and how the terrorists of al Queda hope to be greeted by a shit ton of virgins in the after life (which, to be honest, doesn't sound much like heaven for those virgins....first time....normally isn't a very fun time) or women being raped, stoned in the streets, beaten, denied education and basically treated with less respect than a walking blow up doll (at least the doll gets hand washed and treated delicately for fear for popping her). BUT........all religions have their nutjobs and psycho sects and this project would be still amount to a total fucking waste of time if I passed up the oppurtunity to educated myself on one of the world's largest religion. I keep reading online from Islamic women that Islam is very pro-women's rights and one of the best things I have learned from Buddhism is to seek the truth out for myself. SO....while I may not be practicing Islam for the next two months, I am not going to let myself fall prey to the believing what I am told about a religion when I could certainly study it first hand.
So I am going to order an English translation of the Koran and some reference books so I can educate myself on Islam. While I may not be actively practicing anything for the next couple of months, since this falls right in the middle of the year, I'm going to use this time to get my bearings together- what do I believe now? Where am I leaning? What am I learning? And basically just take some time to shut the fuck up. Perhaps my problem over the past 7 months is that God has been talking to me and I've just been too busy trying to find God to hear God. I may still even participate in Ramadan....it just sounds so simple- it's devotion in the easiest terms and strictest sense......Obey Kiel...HA! That's some funny shit!
Blessed be!....except you ANTS that are taking over my compost pile!!!!
So I've been reading reading reading all of these things on Wicca- to be specific- two books, one to reintroduce myself to Wicca, one to introduce the concept of solo practice and A LOT of websites on the internet. Ok.....so the religion itself is very beautiful, I LOVE that it is nature based and promotes self discovery...but it had a lot of SHIT to it. Seriously, Wicca itself is only 50 years old...actually less than that because it wasn't recognized as a religion until 1980, but it has so much crap, Earth, stars, colors, candles, numbers, herbs, phases of the moon, Gods and Goddesses do what you want, but don't forget to do this (if you want)....I have to admit I feel a bit overwhelmed and more than a bit confused.....And I still haven't had that revelation or spiritual ephiphany that I'm becoming borderline desperate for. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....
I really am trying to dive into this though. On June 22, my family celebrated the summer solstice, and I
really enjoyed giving thanks for the bounty of the Earth, and I even started a compost bin in the back yard, to help with all of our organic waste.
I'm still waiting with a thumb up my butt for God...or Goddess to tap me on the shoulder and be like "Hey! Here I am! your search is over! Now be filled with wonder, awe and my perfect Godly love..." I meditate to try and find a calm place where I can be receptive to whatever higher power it is out there. What seems to work best is if I lay down with the palms facing the sky (its some thing I learned in yoga, to help you be receptive or something) and breathe deeply, feeling the air rush in and out of my body and just concentrating on my breath. I end up feeling relaxed, calm and focused but where are you God? Seriously?!?!?!?!
I really am trying to dive into this though. On June 22, my family celebrated the summer solstice, and I
really enjoyed giving thanks for the bounty of the Earth, and I even started a compost bin in the back yard, to help with all of our organic waste.
I'm still waiting with a thumb up my butt for God...or Goddess to tap me on the shoulder and be like "Hey! Here I am! your search is over! Now be filled with wonder, awe and my perfect Godly love..." I meditate to try and find a calm place where I can be receptive to whatever higher power it is out there. What seems to work best is if I lay down with the palms facing the sky (its some thing I learned in yoga, to help you be receptive or something) and breathe deeply, feeling the air rush in and out of my body and just concentrating on my breath. I end up feeling relaxed, calm and focused but where are you God? Seriously?!?!?!?!
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