Holy crap, I'm probably really asking to be attacked with this one, huh? It's like I just decided to take the two most touchy subjects with Americans and weave them into my blog, huh? Well it's not like I'm just deciding to piss off anyone who reads this....to be perfectly honest I could give a flying fuck. These thoughts are mine and putting them to actual words is a great release for me as I tend to be plagued with over analyzing and over thinking every little fucking thing.
So last night as I was laying in bed next to Kiel, trying to fall asleep, I started to think (as I often do when I'm trying to go to sleep, it's like I suddenly become philisophical or something and start debating issues in my mind). And I started to think about God and what I've learned over the past year (which really has been so much!) and then I started thinking about my work with the Obama campaign here in Nevada as well as my internship with the DNC and the lessons that I have learned in politics and then THAT got me thinking- there really isn't much difference in deciding a political party and deciding your religion.
1) Most people follow a lead started by their parents.
Seriously- how many of us are Christian or Buddhist or whatever because that is the environment we grew up in? And how many of us are Republicans or Democrats for that same reason? I come from a HEAVILY Democratic family?
2)Some of us rebel against our parents wishes.
I know a few people who radically changed their religions because of issues they had with the religion presented to them by their parents (or just to piss their parents off). How different is that when you take a college kid from a conservative family that suddenly rebels- gets some piercings and joins the OWS movement as a bleeding heart liberal?
3)Many of us are set in our ways.
It's pretty much a given that nothing less short of the party flip due to LBJ and the Civil Rights Act in the 60's would be able to turn most people (for those of you that don't know- take a look at how the Dems and Repubs were split geographically during the Civil War then look at how it is now- LBJ did that when he persued Civil Rights). Most of us have our party and we tend to stay with that party. Not much different with how we are with our religion. Most people are born into a certain religion and consider themselves to be that religion until the day they die unless there is some huge event that takes place (Age of Enlightenment, Protestant Reformation, the scandals with the Catholic Church).
4) Ideology is EVERYTHING.
Euthanisia, abortion, gay marriage, birth control, capital punishment, women's rights, slavery, medicinal marijuana, war, taxes- these are issues that political parties have argued about since the inception of our country. But how different is that from the Catholic Church's stance on abortion or the Hindu caste system? The ideology of a religion is the backbone of that religion and the same goes for a political party. Just look at how the idea of taxes tends to hold our government hostage? Or how there was almost a government shutdown due to the issue of funding Planned Parenthood? As I have searched for a religion that calls to me, the ideology is the biggest thing I consider and a strong confliction with my beliefs is something that can make me write off a religion as the right way for me.
5)Want to piss off someone? Talk down their religion/ party.
Want to see an argument get out of hand fast? Just read a news article online that involves politics or religion and read the comments section. People will get heated quick! I'm sure some of these people are really nice in real life but online, when their beliefs are challenged- they turn into a pissed off honey badger!
So those are my thoughts for now, I'm sure I will come up with more stuff, but that was just the stuff that stuck in my head last night.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Let's Recap This-
So I'm watching Real Time (as most of us liberals do) and Penn Jillette (who I do admire) is discussing religion and his lack of belief in religion so I thought this would be a good time to recap my beliefs and the things I'm contemplating.
Do I believe in God?
Absolutely. There is too much wonder and too much beauty and even though the world is chaotic- when you look at it- the universe functions too perfectly for there to not be divine intervention. The human body is a working miracle- it can heal itself for the most part and just look at the human mind!!! We live on a planet that has everything we could ever need to sustain us and that's only one planet in the whole infinite universe!!!
Do I believe in life after death?
Yes, but I'm not sure if it's the way we all think it is. Maybe reincarnation is possible- maybe there is a singular heaven that everyone goes to or maybe it is a personal heaven. I have read a lot of stuff that supports that. I won't rule out hell, but I think that it is for people that are genuinely evil- and that is based on what is in their heart.
Is it about faith or good deeds?
I think it is about both faith and deeds- but I'm really not sure if it is about a specific faith. If mankind was able to fully and truely understand God then we wouldn't be men and it's pretty pretentious to think that we as humans could ever comprehend a superior being that is able to create the whole fucking universe. Good deeds are great- but I think it is more about having a good heart. Is someone doing a good deed to get on God's good side or because it is a nice thing to do? The Koran believes that as long as someone believes in God (not specifically the Muslim God, as I read multiple verses saying Jews, Muslims and Christians would be able to go to Heaven), and Hindu believes that there are multiple routes to God through multiple religions and it's not that any of them are wrong- they are just different. I think that God is pretty understanding in that sense.
Is Jesus God?
I'm really not sure. I read material suggesting that before the Council of Nicea, even early Christians did not believe Jesus was God, although they did believe he was an exceptional man and a messenger of God. The temptation of Christ is only plausible if Jesus was a man capable of being tempted. So I'm really not sure- that is something I need to research more.
Original Sin?
That's another debateable one. There are conflicting Bible verses for each side saying yes- sins of the father can be passed to the son (Exodus 20:5/ Exodus 34:6-7/ 1Cor 15:22) but then there are verses saying that the son will not carry the punishment for his father's sins (Deuteronomy 24:16/ Ezekiel 18:20) even the Pope said a few years ago that if a baby were to die before baptism, the baby would not go to purgatory. When I look at my son, or any baby/small child- it is hard for me to believe that something so innocent and beautiful could ever have sin attached to their soul. It's hard for me to swallow to be honest.
Will this be exploring religions project be over in at the end of year?
No. Granted, I have weeded some religions that I know won't work for me. Scientology is a fucking joke (they STILL call me and send me crap in the mail!), Buddhism.....needs more time from me. Hindu taught me a lot about tolerance but it isn't for me. Wicca...that's another one I would love to explore more. Islam....very beautiful to read the Koran but the inequalities for women doesn't sit well with me, and while I respect it's theory of removing a lot most temptations from one's daily life- I don't think it's right. I think it's how someone reacts in the face of temptation that says much about their character. Judaism...I am also enjoying this study, but it just doesn't feel right for me. Christianity...I just can't shed this. I grew up studying Christianity and I am still learning! I suppose I hope to find a Chrisitian church not corrupted by narcissim or hypocrisy.
Is the Bible the actual word of God?
No. Not as a whole anyway. Books of the Bible (likes Psalms, Ecclesiates, Song of Songs...) are books of poetry reflecting their author- there are conflicting passages and numbers and with so many translations and versions of it over time who knows? I like to read the Bible and apply it to my life- but I don't think it's literal in it's entirety. I have already mentioned that I think it is very possible "Let there be light" could've been a metaphor for the Big Bang and I don't think the Earth was created in 7 days (at least not what we consider a day). The Koran has actually never been modified from it's original written versions (which are actually on display) and it's considered a sin to do so. I thought that was interesting. But I believe that men are men and we aren't perfect and it's arrogant to think that man would be able to ever fully comprehend God or not allow some of our self righteousness into our interpretation of God.
So there's where I'm at right now. Still soul searching, still learning. It's all about the journey, right?
Do I believe in God?
Absolutely. There is too much wonder and too much beauty and even though the world is chaotic- when you look at it- the universe functions too perfectly for there to not be divine intervention. The human body is a working miracle- it can heal itself for the most part and just look at the human mind!!! We live on a planet that has everything we could ever need to sustain us and that's only one planet in the whole infinite universe!!!
Do I believe in life after death?
Yes, but I'm not sure if it's the way we all think it is. Maybe reincarnation is possible- maybe there is a singular heaven that everyone goes to or maybe it is a personal heaven. I have read a lot of stuff that supports that. I won't rule out hell, but I think that it is for people that are genuinely evil- and that is based on what is in their heart.
Is it about faith or good deeds?
I think it is about both faith and deeds- but I'm really not sure if it is about a specific faith. If mankind was able to fully and truely understand God then we wouldn't be men and it's pretty pretentious to think that we as humans could ever comprehend a superior being that is able to create the whole fucking universe. Good deeds are great- but I think it is more about having a good heart. Is someone doing a good deed to get on God's good side or because it is a nice thing to do? The Koran believes that as long as someone believes in God (not specifically the Muslim God, as I read multiple verses saying Jews, Muslims and Christians would be able to go to Heaven), and Hindu believes that there are multiple routes to God through multiple religions and it's not that any of them are wrong- they are just different. I think that God is pretty understanding in that sense.
Is Jesus God?
I'm really not sure. I read material suggesting that before the Council of Nicea, even early Christians did not believe Jesus was God, although they did believe he was an exceptional man and a messenger of God. The temptation of Christ is only plausible if Jesus was a man capable of being tempted. So I'm really not sure- that is something I need to research more.
Original Sin?
That's another debateable one. There are conflicting Bible verses for each side saying yes- sins of the father can be passed to the son (Exodus 20:5/ Exodus 34:6-7/ 1Cor 15:22) but then there are verses saying that the son will not carry the punishment for his father's sins (Deuteronomy 24:16/ Ezekiel 18:20) even the Pope said a few years ago that if a baby were to die before baptism, the baby would not go to purgatory. When I look at my son, or any baby/small child- it is hard for me to believe that something so innocent and beautiful could ever have sin attached to their soul. It's hard for me to swallow to be honest.
Will this be exploring religions project be over in at the end of year?
No. Granted, I have weeded some religions that I know won't work for me. Scientology is a fucking joke (they STILL call me and send me crap in the mail!), Buddhism.....needs more time from me. Hindu taught me a lot about tolerance but it isn't for me. Wicca...that's another one I would love to explore more. Islam....very beautiful to read the Koran but the inequalities for women doesn't sit well with me, and while I respect it's theory of removing a lot most temptations from one's daily life- I don't think it's right. I think it's how someone reacts in the face of temptation that says much about their character. Judaism...I am also enjoying this study, but it just doesn't feel right for me. Christianity...I just can't shed this. I grew up studying Christianity and I am still learning! I suppose I hope to find a Chrisitian church not corrupted by narcissim or hypocrisy.
Is the Bible the actual word of God?
No. Not as a whole anyway. Books of the Bible (likes Psalms, Ecclesiates, Song of Songs...) are books of poetry reflecting their author- there are conflicting passages and numbers and with so many translations and versions of it over time who knows? I like to read the Bible and apply it to my life- but I don't think it's literal in it's entirety. I have already mentioned that I think it is very possible "Let there be light" could've been a metaphor for the Big Bang and I don't think the Earth was created in 7 days (at least not what we consider a day). The Koran has actually never been modified from it's original written versions (which are actually on display) and it's considered a sin to do so. I thought that was interesting. But I believe that men are men and we aren't perfect and it's arrogant to think that man would be able to ever fully comprehend God or not allow some of our self righteousness into our interpretation of God.
So there's where I'm at right now. Still soul searching, still learning. It's all about the journey, right?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
Ok, so like I previously thought, I don't know squat about Judaism even though I am very well aquainted with the Old Testament. But as a very important season in the Jewish year approaches, I am trying to learn about it about how I can apply it to my life.
From what I have learned, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are times of repentance (turning away from your past transgressions/behaviors) and re-establishing your relationship with G-D. Well I am all about re-establishing my relationship with G-d. I have been so focused on some big sign from G-d and learning and trying on different paths to God, and I really haven't been paying much attention to the vehicle I have been using to take that path- ME. Sure, praying for forgiveness is something I have done countless times and I constantly ask for G-d to make me a better woman and to transform me into that better woman, but I think with the upcoming holidays, I need to really look at ME and what needs to be changed in ME so that G-d actually wants to have a relationship with me. I can be impatient, I can be anxious, I can be REALLY stubborn, self righteous, condescending, selfish, spiteful, hypocritical, narcissistic, disrespectful, greedy and sometimes I think or wish and have sometimes even done or said bad things for/to/about people who have made me angry...
Wow.
Looking at the above words that I used to describe how I can act sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. Am I really this bad of a person? I mean, this is only the stuff I can think of! There is that whole- things we have done wrong without knowing we were doing bad things type of aspect to look at too! My son doesn't deserve a mother like a that. My husband doesn't deserve a wife like that. God doesn't deserve to have a relationship with someone like that (and in all honesty, why would he/she want to?)
So I am taking this moment- this exact moment as I am sitting here typing, with Loki sitting in front of me watching "Blue's Clues," to embrace this time of repentance and reflection to try and make myself into the woman that God wants me to be and that I want to be for those that I love. I am making the descision, RIGHT NOW, to turn away from bad behavior that has, no doubt, affected my relationship with my fellow man and with G-d. I know that there will be moments where I falter, I'm not perfect, but I hope that either G-d will strengthen me during those times or I will be able to recognize the bad behavior immediately, learn from it and get back on the horse of repentance (BTW- the definition of repentance is to 1-regret or feel sorrow for past conduct OR 2-to turn away from sin).
So here I go!
Oh, and please don't try to get me to be catty or spiteful just for your own amusement! I'm really, really trying to better myself here, people!
From what I have learned, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are times of repentance (turning away from your past transgressions/behaviors) and re-establishing your relationship with G-D. Well I am all about re-establishing my relationship with G-d. I have been so focused on some big sign from G-d and learning and trying on different paths to God, and I really haven't been paying much attention to the vehicle I have been using to take that path- ME. Sure, praying for forgiveness is something I have done countless times and I constantly ask for G-d to make me a better woman and to transform me into that better woman, but I think with the upcoming holidays, I need to really look at ME and what needs to be changed in ME so that G-d actually wants to have a relationship with me. I can be impatient, I can be anxious, I can be REALLY stubborn, self righteous, condescending, selfish, spiteful, hypocritical, narcissistic, disrespectful, greedy and sometimes I think or wish and have sometimes even done or said bad things for/to/about people who have made me angry...
Wow.
Looking at the above words that I used to describe how I can act sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. Am I really this bad of a person? I mean, this is only the stuff I can think of! There is that whole- things we have done wrong without knowing we were doing bad things type of aspect to look at too! My son doesn't deserve a mother like a that. My husband doesn't deserve a wife like that. God doesn't deserve to have a relationship with someone like that (and in all honesty, why would he/she want to?)
So I am taking this moment- this exact moment as I am sitting here typing, with Loki sitting in front of me watching "Blue's Clues," to embrace this time of repentance and reflection to try and make myself into the woman that God wants me to be and that I want to be for those that I love. I am making the descision, RIGHT NOW, to turn away from bad behavior that has, no doubt, affected my relationship with my fellow man and with G-d. I know that there will be moments where I falter, I'm not perfect, but I hope that either G-d will strengthen me during those times or I will be able to recognize the bad behavior immediately, learn from it and get back on the horse of repentance (BTW- the definition of repentance is to 1-regret or feel sorrow for past conduct OR 2-to turn away from sin).
So here I go!
Oh, and please don't try to get me to be catty or spiteful just for your own amusement! I'm really, really trying to better myself here, people!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Shalom.....?
I wish I had the gall to make it through Ramadan...only 1 week can you believe it? I have no excuses except that I'm not experienced with Ramadan and practicing something that no one else around you is practicing is so very difficult. It makes it easier to understand why countries that are predominantly Islam basically shut down during the daylight hours of Ramadan. All those cranky, hungry people trying to devote themselves to God...can't be easy! I can't even imagine how difficult it was for my former boss, Omar to spend his day cooking food and not being able to eat! TORTURE!
I have to admit though, that over the past month, I really feel as though my bond with God is deepening. I have been reading the Koran and really feel as though my comprehension of God is deepening...but at the same time shrinking- but in the best of ways. I am human. I am not perfect. I will think horrible things, I will doubt myself, I will fuck up. To think that I would ever be able to fully comprehend that which created not only me but every thing around me is beyond arrogant- but I will try and comprehend God as best as I can with my limited human brain. I've been speaking to God and trying to abstain form things that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt God wouldn't approve of my doing.
I've really been geting into yoga this past year. It's basically required in the Hindu religion and it's something that has really been sticking with me. I take two yoga classes a week along with a pi-yo (pilates-yoga together) class. and it's really helping me to get in touch with my body. At the end of my yoga classes, we take a corpse pose and basically just meditate on our thoughts. I've been using this time to really meditate on my own prayers and when the meditation is finished, I feel this wave of contentment and comfort. I feel so clear headed that I can only contribute it to a higher power that has come down onto me and reassured me that my soul searching has to be working and leading me to a closer relationship with God.
So now I am onto my study of Judaism with the celebration of Rosh Hashanah at the end of the month. I have a copy of the Torah and some supplemental reading (including some stuff on Kabbalah) to help guide me on my study. My knowledge of Judaism to be honest is pretty limited to what most Christians would know about Judaism which I'm going to assume isn't a damn thing. I was actually engaged to a Jew before I met Kiel, but he didn't really practice. So like the other religions, I hope to be able to further my understanding of this religion and of God. I feel that with my study of Islam, I have really furthered my comprehension of just how forgiving and understanding God is. You know what is constantly repeated in the Koran, "Allah is most merciful. Allah is most forgiving." Over and over and over this phrase is repeated. God knows our hearts. God knows if we want to be good people and if we want to please God and that is what really matters. I have been told similar things all of my life from the Christian perspective but reading in the Koran really drove it home. I wonder what I will learn from Judaism.
I have to admit though, that over the past month, I really feel as though my bond with God is deepening. I have been reading the Koran and really feel as though my comprehension of God is deepening...but at the same time shrinking- but in the best of ways. I am human. I am not perfect. I will think horrible things, I will doubt myself, I will fuck up. To think that I would ever be able to fully comprehend that which created not only me but every thing around me is beyond arrogant- but I will try and comprehend God as best as I can with my limited human brain. I've been speaking to God and trying to abstain form things that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt God wouldn't approve of my doing.
I've really been geting into yoga this past year. It's basically required in the Hindu religion and it's something that has really been sticking with me. I take two yoga classes a week along with a pi-yo (pilates-yoga together) class. and it's really helping me to get in touch with my body. At the end of my yoga classes, we take a corpse pose and basically just meditate on our thoughts. I've been using this time to really meditate on my own prayers and when the meditation is finished, I feel this wave of contentment and comfort. I feel so clear headed that I can only contribute it to a higher power that has come down onto me and reassured me that my soul searching has to be working and leading me to a closer relationship with God.
So now I am onto my study of Judaism with the celebration of Rosh Hashanah at the end of the month. I have a copy of the Torah and some supplemental reading (including some stuff on Kabbalah) to help guide me on my study. My knowledge of Judaism to be honest is pretty limited to what most Christians would know about Judaism which I'm going to assume isn't a damn thing. I was actually engaged to a Jew before I met Kiel, but he didn't really practice. So like the other religions, I hope to be able to further my understanding of this religion and of God. I feel that with my study of Islam, I have really furthered my comprehension of just how forgiving and understanding God is. You know what is constantly repeated in the Koran, "Allah is most merciful. Allah is most forgiving." Over and over and over this phrase is repeated. God knows our hearts. God knows if we want to be good people and if we want to please God and that is what really matters. I have been told similar things all of my life from the Christian perspective but reading in the Koran really drove it home. I wonder what I will learn from Judaism.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Why I'm taking this weekend off from Ramadan.
While I haven't eaten past dawn today, I have drank water. I woke up with a massive headache and could barely sleep through the night due to hot flashes I kept getting. I woke up sweaty but my temprature was only 97. I still have a headache but if I were to continue with the fast, I wouldn't even be ale to take the medication to help my head or it would be considered breaking my fast (which, to be honest, I think out of all the exceptions, God would forgive me taking a tylenol, or someone with a sinus infection taking augmentin, or someone with asthma taking a puff off their inhaler). But- that's not even the biggest reason I am taking a "break."
I am only 100 pages (or roughly abou 1/3) into the Qu'ran, so I don't feel as though I have a full perspective of Islam....but the fasting and the mandated prayer IS getting to me. I have never really had prayer be a chore- something I HAD to do. And I realized it this morning as I dreaded waking up at 4:00 am to eat breakfast and pray, that God had become a task, a job...almost a burden ("No girls, I can't go to lunch with you....it's Ramadan...." or me rushing home from OFA so I can pray, or even how praying itself, my communication with God had become monotonous. The words I would express towards God became repetitive and without any deep meaning whatsoever).
This is the exact opposite of what I set out to do. I want to be closer to God, experience God on a much deeper, personal level. I'm certain that God would much rather I come to Him/Her with love and devotion, not because I'm carrying out a daily task. While I think that the coming to God in prayer multiple times during the day is a wonderful thing- by having God always on some part of your mind, you are always reminded of God's love and it helps keep you from doing bad things if you are always thinking of God and what He/She wants for you. But when it became a chore, something I HAD to do five times a day- it became a burden and I CANNOT allow God to become a burden to me. Which leads me to........
PERSONAL TRUTH # 2: WORSHIP GOD OUT OF LOVE, NOT BECAUSE "YOU HAVE TO."
In one of my favorite movies, Dogma, Selma Hayak sums up how she feels about Linda Florentino's obligation to Catholicism by saying "I have a problem with some Catholics who treat God like a burden instead of blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Why would God want praise and prayer from people who would feel that way about Him/Her? I wouldn't. I wouldn't want someone to come spend time with me if they really didn't want to. It's insulting. I want to be able to come to God with love and because I want to. Granted, I DO think that people need to come to God a few times during the day, but to give someone 5 specific times of the day and say "You have to come to God and devote this specific time of day to God," just seems to be the exact opposite...at least for me. It's like when you tell a kid that they HAVE to spend time inside with elderly relatives, when they would much rather be outside playing. You can certainly tell that they would rather be elsewhere. Do you think that God wants you to come to Him/Her in prayer when He/She can certainly tell you would rather be elsewhere? I don't.
So this weekend I am going to take it easy and try to wrap my head around this whole concept. Spend some time with Qu'ran and speak to God the way I always try to- with love and because I want to speak to God. Hopefully after a weekend of self reflection I will either be able to continue Ramadan on Monday with a clear head and a fresh perspective or I won't and then I can prepare for my study of Judaism.
I am only 100 pages (or roughly abou 1/3) into the Qu'ran, so I don't feel as though I have a full perspective of Islam....but the fasting and the mandated prayer IS getting to me. I have never really had prayer be a chore- something I HAD to do. And I realized it this morning as I dreaded waking up at 4:00 am to eat breakfast and pray, that God had become a task, a job...almost a burden ("No girls, I can't go to lunch with you....it's Ramadan...." or me rushing home from OFA so I can pray, or even how praying itself, my communication with God had become monotonous. The words I would express towards God became repetitive and without any deep meaning whatsoever).
This is the exact opposite of what I set out to do. I want to be closer to God, experience God on a much deeper, personal level. I'm certain that God would much rather I come to Him/Her with love and devotion, not because I'm carrying out a daily task. While I think that the coming to God in prayer multiple times during the day is a wonderful thing- by having God always on some part of your mind, you are always reminded of God's love and it helps keep you from doing bad things if you are always thinking of God and what He/She wants for you. But when it became a chore, something I HAD to do five times a day- it became a burden and I CANNOT allow God to become a burden to me. Which leads me to........
PERSONAL TRUTH # 2: WORSHIP GOD OUT OF LOVE, NOT BECAUSE "YOU HAVE TO."
In one of my favorite movies, Dogma, Selma Hayak sums up how she feels about Linda Florentino's obligation to Catholicism by saying "I have a problem with some Catholics who treat God like a burden instead of blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Why would God want praise and prayer from people who would feel that way about Him/Her? I wouldn't. I wouldn't want someone to come spend time with me if they really didn't want to. It's insulting. I want to be able to come to God with love and because I want to. Granted, I DO think that people need to come to God a few times during the day, but to give someone 5 specific times of the day and say "You have to come to God and devote this specific time of day to God," just seems to be the exact opposite...at least for me. It's like when you tell a kid that they HAVE to spend time inside with elderly relatives, when they would much rather be outside playing. You can certainly tell that they would rather be elsewhere. Do you think that God wants you to come to Him/Her in prayer when He/She can certainly tell you would rather be elsewhere? I don't.
So this weekend I am going to take it easy and try to wrap my head around this whole concept. Spend some time with Qu'ran and speak to God the way I always try to- with love and because I want to speak to God. Hopefully after a weekend of self reflection I will either be able to continue Ramadan on Monday with a clear head and a fresh perspective or I won't and then I can prepare for my study of Judaism.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Day 3 of Ramadan 7:01
I'm not supposed say "evil words," so to be safe, I'm not writing them either, but know that many many F words are running through my head right now.
I want to just bury my face in that pureed advocado (for the chicken salad sandwiches I made for dinner, that Kiel already ate and told me it was wonderful) after I down about a liter of ice cold water. I drank a little bit of water earlier. As soon as I swallowed it, all I could think was "fuck." and when trying to get Loki to eat a piece of cheese I sort of ate a bite. I'll have to make sure to ask Allah for forgiveness for that when I'm actually supposed to break my fast in 40 minutes. I'll make sure to find something to donate to the poor as well...that is supposed to help if you break the fast or something...I'm not sure I'm reading a lot of different things.
What made today different than the other days though? My early morning breakfast was yogurt, which varied from my usual cheerios breakfast, but the calorie count is supposed to higher in the yogurt I had.... I took Loki to day care and went in to OFA today, as opposed to staying home and play, and so I wasn't able to lounge around and read my Koran during his nap like I have been. Perhaps just going out and such was too much, because there were moments when I would get up or when I ran up the stairs where I kind of felt like I got up too fast and would see spots. So perhaps, according to some things I have been reading, it was Allah that provoked me to eat/drink? I don't know. Crap this is hard. I have 18 minutes until the fast is supposed to be over now. All of this stuff I read is so contradictory. Allah doesn't want to harm us, yet we can't take medications (like asthma inhalers) when fasting, or have injections? My head is swarming because all I can think of is how thirsty I am and how badly I am ready to have dinner, my stomach feels as though it is literally cramping upon itself. I think so much more clearly after I eat and I'm better able to do my chores around the house because I don't feel so run down.
Now I feel like a total vagina. Seriously. How can these people in the middle east, who are dealing with conditions similar to mine in Las Vegas, be able to complete Ramadan while I fall prey to piece of cheese and a gulp of water?!?!?!?!
Well I guess I'm just human...I'll try again tomorrow.
I want to just bury my face in that pureed advocado (for the chicken salad sandwiches I made for dinner, that Kiel already ate and told me it was wonderful) after I down about a liter of ice cold water. I drank a little bit of water earlier. As soon as I swallowed it, all I could think was "fuck." and when trying to get Loki to eat a piece of cheese I sort of ate a bite. I'll have to make sure to ask Allah for forgiveness for that when I'm actually supposed to break my fast in 40 minutes. I'll make sure to find something to donate to the poor as well...that is supposed to help if you break the fast or something...I'm not sure I'm reading a lot of different things.
What made today different than the other days though? My early morning breakfast was yogurt, which varied from my usual cheerios breakfast, but the calorie count is supposed to higher in the yogurt I had.... I took Loki to day care and went in to OFA today, as opposed to staying home and play, and so I wasn't able to lounge around and read my Koran during his nap like I have been. Perhaps just going out and such was too much, because there were moments when I would get up or when I ran up the stairs where I kind of felt like I got up too fast and would see spots. So perhaps, according to some things I have been reading, it was Allah that provoked me to eat/drink? I don't know. Crap this is hard. I have 18 minutes until the fast is supposed to be over now. All of this stuff I read is so contradictory. Allah doesn't want to harm us, yet we can't take medications (like asthma inhalers) when fasting, or have injections? My head is swarming because all I can think of is how thirsty I am and how badly I am ready to have dinner, my stomach feels as though it is literally cramping upon itself. I think so much more clearly after I eat and I'm better able to do my chores around the house because I don't feel so run down.
Now I feel like a total vagina. Seriously. How can these people in the middle east, who are dealing with conditions similar to mine in Las Vegas, be able to complete Ramadan while I fall prey to piece of cheese and a gulp of water?!?!?!?!
Well I guess I'm just human...I'll try again tomorrow.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Day 1 of Ramadan 4:00
Holy poop am I really about to do this?
I tossed throughout the night. Probably nerves or something. And seriously, 4:00 has a way of sneaking up on you. I came downstairs and poured myself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios (SSSHHH!!!! Don't tell Kiel! That's "his cereal.") and now I'm trying to chug my second bottle of water this morning so I won't be dehydrated throughout the day. For some reason my tongue already feels scratchy, like when you are really thirsty. I have 6 minutes until the Fajr call to prayer and then it will be considered dawn and the fasting of Ramadan starts. Now 5 minutes. I got this app on my phone so I can get the "call to prayer" throughout the day (gotta love technology). Now 4 minutes.
Kiel really doesn't want me to do this, but I feel if I don't, I would be lessening the entire point of my doing this search for God over the past year. Now 3 minutes. Ramadan is considered the holiest month to Islam and so I have to take advantage of something considered so holy when I am trying to further my understanding and personal relationship with God. Now 2 minutes. If it doesm't work out, it doesn't work out, but the point is that I TRY.
So I hope that I don't completely botch this whole prayer thing. I thought it was just bowing down and praying like what we see on TV, but there seems to be an entire ritual to it and I only googled it last night. 1 minute left. I'm sure God will be compassionate with me on this though. I have only started reading the Koran and so I am really just taking that and EVERY single conflicting thing I find (because they are all different!) and doing what I can. Maybe I will visit one of the Mosques around here for further insight.
And there is my call to prayer. Time to nut up or shut up.
Praise be to Allah!
So I'm not sure if I did that right. I started but then had to stop because you are supposed to wash your hands, feet, face and head before coming to Allah for prayer. Thankfully I happened to have some baby wipes nearby (seriously, those things can be used for so much!) so I had to pause for a bit to do that. I stood up and faced Mecca (using my app to make sure I was in the right direction), lifted my hands up and silently said my praises and then fell to my knees and asked Allah for forgiveness and strength and then bowed to Allah and gave more personal prayers (which are between myself and God thank you very much). I'm sure I will be able to fine tune it a bit over the next month.
The fasting has started.
Nothing to eat or drink until Maghrib prayer which will be at 7:46 tonight.
Time to truely devote myself to getting to know God, as I am expected (for Ramadan) to read the entire Koran over the next 30 days.
And now back to bed!
I tossed throughout the night. Probably nerves or something. And seriously, 4:00 has a way of sneaking up on you. I came downstairs and poured myself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios (SSSHHH!!!! Don't tell Kiel! That's "his cereal.") and now I'm trying to chug my second bottle of water this morning so I won't be dehydrated throughout the day. For some reason my tongue already feels scratchy, like when you are really thirsty. I have 6 minutes until the Fajr call to prayer and then it will be considered dawn and the fasting of Ramadan starts. Now 5 minutes. I got this app on my phone so I can get the "call to prayer" throughout the day (gotta love technology). Now 4 minutes.
Kiel really doesn't want me to do this, but I feel if I don't, I would be lessening the entire point of my doing this search for God over the past year. Now 3 minutes. Ramadan is considered the holiest month to Islam and so I have to take advantage of something considered so holy when I am trying to further my understanding and personal relationship with God. Now 2 minutes. If it doesm't work out, it doesn't work out, but the point is that I TRY.
So I hope that I don't completely botch this whole prayer thing. I thought it was just bowing down and praying like what we see on TV, but there seems to be an entire ritual to it and I only googled it last night. 1 minute left. I'm sure God will be compassionate with me on this though. I have only started reading the Koran and so I am really just taking that and EVERY single conflicting thing I find (because they are all different!) and doing what I can. Maybe I will visit one of the Mosques around here for further insight.
And there is my call to prayer. Time to nut up or shut up.
Praise be to Allah!
So I'm not sure if I did that right. I started but then had to stop because you are supposed to wash your hands, feet, face and head before coming to Allah for prayer. Thankfully I happened to have some baby wipes nearby (seriously, those things can be used for so much!) so I had to pause for a bit to do that. I stood up and faced Mecca (using my app to make sure I was in the right direction), lifted my hands up and silently said my praises and then fell to my knees and asked Allah for forgiveness and strength and then bowed to Allah and gave more personal prayers (which are between myself and God thank you very much). I'm sure I will be able to fine tune it a bit over the next month.
The fasting has started.
Nothing to eat or drink until Maghrib prayer which will be at 7:46 tonight.
Time to truely devote myself to getting to know God, as I am expected (for Ramadan) to read the entire Koran over the next 30 days.
And now back to bed!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Taking Soul Searching to the Next Level: Personal Truths
So I'm not sure how I was able to do this, but one day, my best friend Allie and I were able to text each other for close to 6 hours throughout our day. Serious! I was texting her on the eliptical and in between reps at the gym, texting her ta stop lights (I don't text and drive, thank you), texting her during lunch and even texting her before and after meditation. The whole conversation was about religion. I have to admit I am having a bit of trouble fully letting go of all of my Christian upbringing....why? Because we (Christians) have basically been taught that if we do not follow Christianity we are going to hell. Isn't that funny, though? That out of everything, the years of Christian School, youth groups, Bible studies, missionary trips, Christian youth conferences- the main thing that is sticking to me about Christianity is the whole fire and brimstone aspect?
Well back to the thought at hand, so basically one of the biggest challenges in dealing with trying on other religions, is the whole faith thing. I used to have that shit down in spades. I was over flowing with faith and felt as though I were filled with God's love even if I found myself disagreeing with parts of the Bible. Then I met more than a few Christians who turned God's love into hate and used it put others down. Christians that would claim to be filled with love and compassion and their actions would show the exact opposite to people who didn't fit their mold of what a person should be. It was disgusting, saddening and the worst part is that this wasn't just one or two or five or ten people this has easily been more than half of the Christians I have associated with my entire life. Just look at Westboro Baptist Chruch! They exploit the Bible to spread a message of hate...and I admit, they are an exaggerated version of the hypocritical Christians I have met, but their message is practically the same as Jerry Falwell's message shortly after 9/11 that we were attacked because of feminists, gays and the ACLU:
"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"
-Jerry Falwell
Now I am well aware that not all Christians are like this fat hateful turd. Up until I started this project, I identified myself as a Christian and enjoyed the company of good Christians. But this man is a REVEREND- a proclaimed man of God who is basically taking the message of God and perverting it into a message of hate and spoon feeding it to thousands.
So Allie suggested that in order to help me on my journey, I needed to find my basic, personal spiritual truths. Sounds easy, enough? Nope it isn't. This conversation was weeks ago and I have MAYBE come up with two truths. But maybe that is all I need.....
PERSONAL TRUTH 1: GOD IS LOVE
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This has been my favorite Bible verse for at least the past 10 years. God's love is pure beautiful and unconditional...always compared to the love a parent has for a child. I didn't understand that analogy until I became a parent. The love I have for my son is consuming. He is always in my thoughts. I would do anything for him to keep him well and happy. My biggest goal for him is to be HAPPY and to be a GOOD PERSON.
It would be extremely arrogant to flat out compare the love I have for my son to the love God has for me. God....well God is freaking God and I am imperfect- filled with selfish wants and desires that all people have anf the narcissim that seems to be just a normal attribute of an American. But using a parent's love as template- I KNOW that God loves me, no matter what religion they may be a part of.....God loves me when I am on my rag and so hormonal I could literally murder someone. God loves me when I am without make up and have my hair up in a knot. God loves me when I am flustered, frustrated and at wit's end. God loves me when I feel like I have fucked up beyond repair and like a good parent, God will give me the strength to get through it. With that love, I don't think that God wants me to conform to everyone else...if God did, we never would've had free will. I think God wants me to learn, grow and be a HAPPY, GOOD PERSON.
So if God loves me so much...why would God banish me to a eternity of hell fire? Buddhists don't believe in Hell and neither do Hindus. In fact, Hindus can't understand how an all powerful loving God would send someone to hell for eternity. Even Muslims have some debate over the whole status of Hell....most of them believe Hell is a temporary place to atone for sins...Kind of like being grounded. It sucks when it happens, but it isn't forever. Because God is loving, God is compassionate, God is merciful.
So the hell aspect is still something to question....but I KNOW in my heart, in my bones, at the very core of my existance that God is LOVE.
This is the only truth I can really put to paper....The others I can't seem to find the words for yet...But when I do, I'll be sure to announce them to the world.
Well back to the thought at hand, so basically one of the biggest challenges in dealing with trying on other religions, is the whole faith thing. I used to have that shit down in spades. I was over flowing with faith and felt as though I were filled with God's love even if I found myself disagreeing with parts of the Bible. Then I met more than a few Christians who turned God's love into hate and used it put others down. Christians that would claim to be filled with love and compassion and their actions would show the exact opposite to people who didn't fit their mold of what a person should be. It was disgusting, saddening and the worst part is that this wasn't just one or two or five or ten people this has easily been more than half of the Christians I have associated with my entire life. Just look at Westboro Baptist Chruch! They exploit the Bible to spread a message of hate...and I admit, they are an exaggerated version of the hypocritical Christians I have met, but their message is practically the same as Jerry Falwell's message shortly after 9/11 that we were attacked because of feminists, gays and the ACLU:
"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"
-Jerry Falwell
Now I am well aware that not all Christians are like this fat hateful turd. Up until I started this project, I identified myself as a Christian and enjoyed the company of good Christians. But this man is a REVEREND- a proclaimed man of God who is basically taking the message of God and perverting it into a message of hate and spoon feeding it to thousands.
So Allie suggested that in order to help me on my journey, I needed to find my basic, personal spiritual truths. Sounds easy, enough? Nope it isn't. This conversation was weeks ago and I have MAYBE come up with two truths. But maybe that is all I need.....
PERSONAL TRUTH 1: GOD IS LOVE
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This has been my favorite Bible verse for at least the past 10 years. God's love is pure beautiful and unconditional...always compared to the love a parent has for a child. I didn't understand that analogy until I became a parent. The love I have for my son is consuming. He is always in my thoughts. I would do anything for him to keep him well and happy. My biggest goal for him is to be HAPPY and to be a GOOD PERSON.
It would be extremely arrogant to flat out compare the love I have for my son to the love God has for me. God....well God is freaking God and I am imperfect- filled with selfish wants and desires that all people have anf the narcissim that seems to be just a normal attribute of an American. But using a parent's love as template- I KNOW that God loves me, no matter what religion they may be a part of.....God loves me when I am on my rag and so hormonal I could literally murder someone. God loves me when I am without make up and have my hair up in a knot. God loves me when I am flustered, frustrated and at wit's end. God loves me when I feel like I have fucked up beyond repair and like a good parent, God will give me the strength to get through it. With that love, I don't think that God wants me to conform to everyone else...if God did, we never would've had free will. I think God wants me to learn, grow and be a HAPPY, GOOD PERSON.
So if God loves me so much...why would God banish me to a eternity of hell fire? Buddhists don't believe in Hell and neither do Hindus. In fact, Hindus can't understand how an all powerful loving God would send someone to hell for eternity. Even Muslims have some debate over the whole status of Hell....most of them believe Hell is a temporary place to atone for sins...Kind of like being grounded. It sucks when it happens, but it isn't forever. Because God is loving, God is compassionate, God is merciful.
So the hell aspect is still something to question....but I KNOW in my heart, in my bones, at the very core of my existance that God is LOVE.
This is the only truth I can really put to paper....The others I can't seem to find the words for yet...But when I do, I'll be sure to announce them to the world.
Monday, July 18, 2011
All this talk about Ramadan is giving me cotton mouth!
After being in labor for close the 17 hours, the Doctor informed me that my labor was not progressing, Loki had actually moved back up, and he was not responding well to the pitocin that had been given to me shortly before. Also my water had been broken for almost 12 hours, and I was becoming a risk for infection. A C-section had become neccasary. I was scared and Kiel wasn't there. He was in Iraq, watching on a webcam (when the crappy Iraqi internet would let him connect long enough to get on Skype). My Moms were there and so was my sister, but I could tell my Mom (the birth one) was scared because she said she just couldn't go into the OR with me, that my Mom, Boo was going to go in with me. I don't normally see my Mom scared so that was something. So here I was, bloated from the gallons on IV fluid I had been given for the past 24 hours, a bit stoned from the stadol and the epidural, my husband being a current blip on my laptop screen, my sister turning white as a ghost and almost passing out when the nurse first stuck me for the IV and my Mom, the strongest and least emotional woman I have EVER known, was scared. I was a bit thirsty so I went to grab my ice water. The nurse told me I couldn't drink any more water, as I needed to have my stomach as empty as possible for the surgery. Upon hearing this, I went from a bit parched to fucking dying of thirst. I NEEDED water and I NEEDED it right then and there. I was screaming how thirsty I was, that I wanted just a sip of water before I was wheeled off into surgery. After the surgery was over, I was still a bit thirsty, but it wasn't consuming me like it had been before my surgery....I could wait.
The more and more I read about Islam, the more I seem to like it. This is the same God that I grew up with- the God of Moses, David, and Jesus....it just seems to be a different perspective of God. I stand by my decision to not currently practice it, but that is because I don't know how to practice it. I was vaguely familiar with Wiccian, Buddhism and Hinduism and I started reading Dianetics before I stepped foot into the Scientology Center (you know they STILL call me and send me mail?!). My scope of Islam has been extremely limited to post 9/11 propaganda, and what I remember from my Muslim boss when I worked at the Citrus Cafe and he never forced his religion on anybody...he had too much shit to do at the restaurant. For the most part, we all knew that if the door to his office was closed, he was probably praying and that when Ramadan rolled around, he would be especially cranky. Now I am learning about Islam and it really seems to be a very beautiful religion. It places such a strong emphasis on family, being kind to your parents and truly devoting yourself to your children. And so far I haven't seen alot of fire and brimstone "do this or go to hell" type of talk but there has been much about paradise.
So Ramadan starts August 1. I really want to try and tackle this. While I may not have been practicing Islam this month, I stated in the beginning that I would participate in Ramadan and being that it is one of the five pillars of Islam, even if I half ass this month, I NEED to do Ramadan. Ramadan is considered to be the time when God revealed the Koran to Muhammad. During that lunar cycle, there is a fast during sunlight hours, nothing to eat or drink.....that's right not even water. That's what has kind of been getting me. Take my food. Take my soda....but WATER?! How am I going to be able to do this?!?!?!?! I'm going to be suffering from a thirst that is, no doubt going to be greatly exaggerated by the simple fact that I WANT IT but CAN'T HAVE IT. According to Muslim belief, during Ramadan, the gates of hell are closed, making it easier to stay committed to the task of Ramadan and the gates of heaven are wide open (NOTE TO SELF: MAKE SURE TO DIE DURING RAMADAN.....JUST TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF SAFETY) and all good deeds, acts of faith and acts of charity are multiplied during this time (Islam is a religion that is focused on acts good acts and good intents vs bad acts. That's right, bad intentions that are not acted upon are not something that God holds against you, which I totally think is true by the way).....I'm also not supposed to smoke (not a problem there, as I quit again when I got back to Vegas) and not have sex during the daylight hours (Kiel will not be happy with that....like he really needed another reason to not like Islam) and in all common sense, when I start my rag I discontinue actual fasting until it ends.
So I think I'm going to try it. Ramadan is a HUGE part of Islam (Like I mentioned, it is one of the five pillars) but more than that, it is a time to devote yourself to God and to discipline yourself so it will be more difficult for you to be tempted to do bad things (I have certainly done bad things and would love to be more disciplined and strong willed)....Add into that, it is said that if you fast and have faith during Ramadan that your past sins are forgiven and most importantly Ramadan is time where you are BRINGING YOURSELF CLOSER TO GOD. That is exactly what I want! My faith is not a problem. I KNOW that there is a higher power that created this world and created me. My dilema is WHO or WHAT is this higher power? I want that personal relationship with God. I want to know exactly what God wants from me and what I need to do to please God.
So if Islam is offering me a month where I can get exactly what I want then I would be a fool to not take it and see where it takes me. Best case scenario- I am able to get that awe inspiring relationship with God while being able to lose a few pounds and shrink my mudflap (keeping me from considering that smart lipo deal I recently saw on Groupon). Worst case scenario- I gain no deepening relationship with God and turn into a cranky, tired and very thirsty bitch for the next month causing Kiel and I to get into a few extra arguments. Eh. No pain no gain, right?
The more and more I read about Islam, the more I seem to like it. This is the same God that I grew up with- the God of Moses, David, and Jesus....it just seems to be a different perspective of God. I stand by my decision to not currently practice it, but that is because I don't know how to practice it. I was vaguely familiar with Wiccian, Buddhism and Hinduism and I started reading Dianetics before I stepped foot into the Scientology Center (you know they STILL call me and send me mail?!). My scope of Islam has been extremely limited to post 9/11 propaganda, and what I remember from my Muslim boss when I worked at the Citrus Cafe and he never forced his religion on anybody...he had too much shit to do at the restaurant. For the most part, we all knew that if the door to his office was closed, he was probably praying and that when Ramadan rolled around, he would be especially cranky. Now I am learning about Islam and it really seems to be a very beautiful religion. It places such a strong emphasis on family, being kind to your parents and truly devoting yourself to your children. And so far I haven't seen alot of fire and brimstone "do this or go to hell" type of talk but there has been much about paradise.
So Ramadan starts August 1. I really want to try and tackle this. While I may not have been practicing Islam this month, I stated in the beginning that I would participate in Ramadan and being that it is one of the five pillars of Islam, even if I half ass this month, I NEED to do Ramadan. Ramadan is considered to be the time when God revealed the Koran to Muhammad. During that lunar cycle, there is a fast during sunlight hours, nothing to eat or drink.....that's right not even water. That's what has kind of been getting me. Take my food. Take my soda....but WATER?! How am I going to be able to do this?!?!?!?! I'm going to be suffering from a thirst that is, no doubt going to be greatly exaggerated by the simple fact that I WANT IT but CAN'T HAVE IT. According to Muslim belief, during Ramadan, the gates of hell are closed, making it easier to stay committed to the task of Ramadan and the gates of heaven are wide open (NOTE TO SELF: MAKE SURE TO DIE DURING RAMADAN.....JUST TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF SAFETY) and all good deeds, acts of faith and acts of charity are multiplied during this time (Islam is a religion that is focused on acts good acts and good intents vs bad acts. That's right, bad intentions that are not acted upon are not something that God holds against you, which I totally think is true by the way).....I'm also not supposed to smoke (not a problem there, as I quit again when I got back to Vegas) and not have sex during the daylight hours (Kiel will not be happy with that....like he really needed another reason to not like Islam) and in all common sense, when I start my rag I discontinue actual fasting until it ends.
So I think I'm going to try it. Ramadan is a HUGE part of Islam (Like I mentioned, it is one of the five pillars) but more than that, it is a time to devote yourself to God and to discipline yourself so it will be more difficult for you to be tempted to do bad things (I have certainly done bad things and would love to be more disciplined and strong willed)....Add into that, it is said that if you fast and have faith during Ramadan that your past sins are forgiven and most importantly Ramadan is time where you are BRINGING YOURSELF CLOSER TO GOD. That is exactly what I want! My faith is not a problem. I KNOW that there is a higher power that created this world and created me. My dilema is WHO or WHAT is this higher power? I want that personal relationship with God. I want to know exactly what God wants from me and what I need to do to please God.
So if Islam is offering me a month where I can get exactly what I want then I would be a fool to not take it and see where it takes me. Best case scenario- I am able to get that awe inspiring relationship with God while being able to lose a few pounds and shrink my mudflap (keeping me from considering that smart lipo deal I recently saw on Groupon). Worst case scenario- I gain no deepening relationship with God and turn into a cranky, tired and very thirsty bitch for the next month causing Kiel and I to get into a few extra arguments. Eh. No pain no gain, right?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sorry, but I'm an American in Las Vegas....I don't do burkas...or abstain from booze.
Ok...so I know on the schedule for July and August I would try on Islam...but the more I research it...the more I just don't see it happening. And since this is MY project, I get to change the rules anyway I see fit. And while I may not have yet found God the way that I am so desperately craving, there are some aspects of Islam that I just KNOW aren't going to work for me. I understand that the Muslim woman is supposed to dress modestly. I understand that this is a great way to get someone to focus on your mind and your words as opposed to viewing you as a sexual object...and that is AWESOME. But that is not me. In all seriousness, if I could get away it and not have to subject people to my awesome c-section "mud flap" (as I affectionately call it) I would be naked all the fucking time. The human body is a beautiful miracle, we are born naked, we express love naked (in theory, for the most part) and from our bodies and the expression of love that comes from our bodies, we are able to create life!!! Adam and Eve lived happily in the buff until they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil......plus it's fucking July in the Mojave Desert....asking ANYONE to dress more modestly than a tank top and shorts is like sentencing them to death by fire.
Second on the list, I like the occasional glass of wine or a beer with my husband or friends. It's the fermented juice of nature! And while we are on that topic....I also like pork, though that really wouldn't be a hassle to give up and I like gelatin (always room for jell-o!). While these requirements aren't the super deal breaker...they just seem to go against my thoughts of God. God put us on this paradise with everything we would ever need to not only be sustained but to be happy. While I can understand how many religions during their inception said things like "no pork, no shellfish blah blah blah" because of the dangers of food poisoning- It's 2011. Mankind has developed and learned enough to where I can eat a slab a center cut bacon and not worry that I'm going to get some weird disease. If it's from the Earth, how bad can it be? (and yes, I totally think pot should be legal...seriously...the government wants to get their panties in a wad about a fucking plant when people are overdosing on synthetic heroin that they get from a Dr!? God made pot- man made oxycontin- who do you trust?)
But the biggest reason that I just cannot practice Islam is the fact that I must continue to spite my husband in the wonderful way that only a liberal American woman can spite her husband and not give him the option of being "in control" of her. I saw Kiel's eyes sparkle when I told him I was considering practicing Islam. "This means you will have to listen to me and obey me," he said with excitement creeping into his voice. Ok, so I'm not a total fucking idiot, I have heard of the women that undergo genital mutilation because it is considered more "clean" for them to not be able to orgasm during sex. I have seen the pictures of women wearing burkas, we have all heard about Bin Laden's multiple wives and how the terrorists of al Queda hope to be greeted by a shit ton of virgins in the after life (which, to be honest, doesn't sound much like heaven for those virgins....first time....normally isn't a very fun time) or women being raped, stoned in the streets, beaten, denied education and basically treated with less respect than a walking blow up doll (at least the doll gets hand washed and treated delicately for fear for popping her). BUT........all religions have their nutjobs and psycho sects and this project would be still amount to a total fucking waste of time if I passed up the oppurtunity to educated myself on one of the world's largest religion. I keep reading online from Islamic women that Islam is very pro-women's rights and one of the best things I have learned from Buddhism is to seek the truth out for myself. SO....while I may not be practicing Islam for the next two months, I am not going to let myself fall prey to the believing what I am told about a religion when I could certainly study it first hand.
So I am going to order an English translation of the Koran and some reference books so I can educate myself on Islam. While I may not be actively practicing anything for the next couple of months, since this falls right in the middle of the year, I'm going to use this time to get my bearings together- what do I believe now? Where am I leaning? What am I learning? And basically just take some time to shut the fuck up. Perhaps my problem over the past 7 months is that God has been talking to me and I've just been too busy trying to find God to hear God. I may still even participate in Ramadan....it just sounds so simple- it's devotion in the easiest terms and strictest sense......Obey Kiel...HA! That's some funny shit!
Second on the list, I like the occasional glass of wine or a beer with my husband or friends. It's the fermented juice of nature! And while we are on that topic....I also like pork, though that really wouldn't be a hassle to give up and I like gelatin (always room for jell-o!). While these requirements aren't the super deal breaker...they just seem to go against my thoughts of God. God put us on this paradise with everything we would ever need to not only be sustained but to be happy. While I can understand how many religions during their inception said things like "no pork, no shellfish blah blah blah" because of the dangers of food poisoning- It's 2011. Mankind has developed and learned enough to where I can eat a slab a center cut bacon and not worry that I'm going to get some weird disease. If it's from the Earth, how bad can it be? (and yes, I totally think pot should be legal...seriously...the government wants to get their panties in a wad about a fucking plant when people are overdosing on synthetic heroin that they get from a Dr!? God made pot- man made oxycontin- who do you trust?)
But the biggest reason that I just cannot practice Islam is the fact that I must continue to spite my husband in the wonderful way that only a liberal American woman can spite her husband and not give him the option of being "in control" of her. I saw Kiel's eyes sparkle when I told him I was considering practicing Islam. "This means you will have to listen to me and obey me," he said with excitement creeping into his voice. Ok, so I'm not a total fucking idiot, I have heard of the women that undergo genital mutilation because it is considered more "clean" for them to not be able to orgasm during sex. I have seen the pictures of women wearing burkas, we have all heard about Bin Laden's multiple wives and how the terrorists of al Queda hope to be greeted by a shit ton of virgins in the after life (which, to be honest, doesn't sound much like heaven for those virgins....first time....normally isn't a very fun time) or women being raped, stoned in the streets, beaten, denied education and basically treated with less respect than a walking blow up doll (at least the doll gets hand washed and treated delicately for fear for popping her). BUT........all religions have their nutjobs and psycho sects and this project would be still amount to a total fucking waste of time if I passed up the oppurtunity to educated myself on one of the world's largest religion. I keep reading online from Islamic women that Islam is very pro-women's rights and one of the best things I have learned from Buddhism is to seek the truth out for myself. SO....while I may not be practicing Islam for the next two months, I am not going to let myself fall prey to the believing what I am told about a religion when I could certainly study it first hand.
So I am going to order an English translation of the Koran and some reference books so I can educate myself on Islam. While I may not be actively practicing anything for the next couple of months, since this falls right in the middle of the year, I'm going to use this time to get my bearings together- what do I believe now? Where am I leaning? What am I learning? And basically just take some time to shut the fuck up. Perhaps my problem over the past 7 months is that God has been talking to me and I've just been too busy trying to find God to hear God. I may still even participate in Ramadan....it just sounds so simple- it's devotion in the easiest terms and strictest sense......Obey Kiel...HA! That's some funny shit!
Blessed be!....except you ANTS that are taking over my compost pile!!!!
So I've been reading reading reading all of these things on Wicca- to be specific- two books, one to reintroduce myself to Wicca, one to introduce the concept of solo practice and A LOT of websites on the internet. Ok.....so the religion itself is very beautiful, I LOVE that it is nature based and promotes self discovery...but it had a lot of SHIT to it. Seriously, Wicca itself is only 50 years old...actually less than that because it wasn't recognized as a religion until 1980, but it has so much crap, Earth, stars, colors, candles, numbers, herbs, phases of the moon, Gods and Goddesses do what you want, but don't forget to do this (if you want)....I have to admit I feel a bit overwhelmed and more than a bit confused.....And I still haven't had that revelation or spiritual ephiphany that I'm becoming borderline desperate for. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....
I really am trying to dive into this though. On June 22, my family celebrated the summer solstice, and I
really enjoyed giving thanks for the bounty of the Earth, and I even started a compost bin in the back yard, to help with all of our organic waste.
I'm still waiting with a thumb up my butt for God...or Goddess to tap me on the shoulder and be like "Hey! Here I am! your search is over! Now be filled with wonder, awe and my perfect Godly love..." I meditate to try and find a calm place where I can be receptive to whatever higher power it is out there. What seems to work best is if I lay down with the palms facing the sky (its some thing I learned in yoga, to help you be receptive or something) and breathe deeply, feeling the air rush in and out of my body and just concentrating on my breath. I end up feeling relaxed, calm and focused but where are you God? Seriously?!?!?!?!
I really am trying to dive into this though. On June 22, my family celebrated the summer solstice, and I
really enjoyed giving thanks for the bounty of the Earth, and I even started a compost bin in the back yard, to help with all of our organic waste.
I'm still waiting with a thumb up my butt for God...or Goddess to tap me on the shoulder and be like "Hey! Here I am! your search is over! Now be filled with wonder, awe and my perfect Godly love..." I meditate to try and find a calm place where I can be receptive to whatever higher power it is out there. What seems to work best is if I lay down with the palms facing the sky (its some thing I learned in yoga, to help you be receptive or something) and breathe deeply, feeling the air rush in and out of my body and just concentrating on my breath. I end up feeling relaxed, calm and focused but where are you God? Seriously?!?!?!?!
Friday, June 17, 2011
I May Have Found My Still Point......
I really enjoyed Buddhism, it related very much to my rational side because one of the basic principles of Buddhism is to experience things and discover things for yourself- to find the facts. And when it came to meditating, it really relaxed me. My anxiety lessened so much due to my nightly yoga and meditation. So I have to say that Buddhism is certainly in the running to be my religion...but.... I don't know....I want to feel that AWE. That awe you get when you know you are in the prescence of something powerful and bigger than you. I used to feel that way about the Christian God when I was 13. I felt this power when I would pray or when I would sing songs of praise, but then when I witnessed first hand the self righteous hypocrisy that is practically eating Christianity alive....it was like a flipped light switch and I have yet to feel that inspriing awe again. I have tried so hard to feel that way about Christianity and Jesus but I just can't get there, it's like I'm "chasing the dragon" but instead of a drug high I am seeking a religious experience that I just can't grasp, but maybe as I become less innocent and grow older, it's something I'm not supposed to be able to grasp.
So if I am unable to find something that truely moves me, I know I will be able to at least find something in Buddhism. Something that can calm me and still my mind....but perhaps Buddhism is something that will eventually inspire me. If I keep up with the meditation and opening my mind, body and spirit up to the universe perhaops I will have one of those moments I read about where the universe just enters me and consumes me and makes me one with everything that is around me!.....push come to shove I'll at least get a few moments of peace of quiet. Any mother can relate to how wonderful that can be, it's like a fucking vacation.
So if I am unable to find something that truely moves me, I know I will be able to at least find something in Buddhism. Something that can calm me and still my mind....but perhaps Buddhism is something that will eventually inspire me. If I keep up with the meditation and opening my mind, body and spirit up to the universe perhaops I will have one of those moments I read about where the universe just enters me and consumes me and makes me one with everything that is around me!.....push come to shove I'll at least get a few moments of peace of quiet. Any mother can relate to how wonderful that can be, it's like a fucking vacation.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Why Hindu Just Wasn't My Cup of Jasmine Tea
Ok....so I'm not expecting to find some religion that is completely and totally perfect....oh fuck it....YES I AM! I want to find MY religion and MY religion needs to suit MY needs and reflect my goals. I need to feel the awe, the inspiration, the contentment from knowing that I am at ease with my where I have placed my spirituality. I want to feel like I am a part of something bigger than me and bigger than anyone else on this Earth, while at the same time being something that connects us all. I want to feel something that is good, something that is pure, natural and beautiful without having to force it.
With Hinduism, as much as I loved it, I had to force it. With Kiel being overseas, I barely had anytime for my puja ritual because my time was devoted to Loki and to my internship with the Democratic National Committee and with the nearest temple 45 minutes away (although Hindus are only required to visit the temple sporadically) it was difficult to find time to get there and when I did there....frankly there was a cultural divide. Also, there were ideologies in Hinduism that I just couldn't wrap my head around. The Caste System and it's relation to Hinduism, the breaking down of women (which seems to be the norm with most religions...I'm looking forward to experiencing a more female centered religion like Wicca), the rituals....It's just too much for me.
Not to say that I didn't like it. I loved it's open stance towards other religions and for the most part the philosophy was beautiful and full of tolerance and acceptance...but it just didn't feel like me. You know the feeling? Where you like something and maybe it likes you, but it just isn't meant to be no matter how hard you wish it was. Well that's me and Hinduism. I liked it and I really wanted it to work out and be the religion for me, but it just didn't give me that awe, that inspiration that I'm craving. It felt more like a fun learning project...which I guess it is...but the core of this project is for me to try on different religions and perhaps see if there is a religion that is perfect for me out there....one that can satisfy my need for spirituality, keep up with my social perspectives and fit into my hectic schedule....or am I asking too much?
With Hinduism, as much as I loved it, I had to force it. With Kiel being overseas, I barely had anytime for my puja ritual because my time was devoted to Loki and to my internship with the Democratic National Committee and with the nearest temple 45 minutes away (although Hindus are only required to visit the temple sporadically) it was difficult to find time to get there and when I did there....frankly there was a cultural divide. Also, there were ideologies in Hinduism that I just couldn't wrap my head around. The Caste System and it's relation to Hinduism, the breaking down of women (which seems to be the norm with most religions...I'm looking forward to experiencing a more female centered religion like Wicca), the rituals....It's just too much for me.
Not to say that I didn't like it. I loved it's open stance towards other religions and for the most part the philosophy was beautiful and full of tolerance and acceptance...but it just didn't feel like me. You know the feeling? Where you like something and maybe it likes you, but it just isn't meant to be no matter how hard you wish it was. Well that's me and Hinduism. I liked it and I really wanted it to work out and be the religion for me, but it just didn't give me that awe, that inspiration that I'm craving. It felt more like a fun learning project...which I guess it is...but the core of this project is for me to try on different religions and perhaps see if there is a religion that is perfect for me out there....one that can satisfy my need for spirituality, keep up with my social perspectives and fit into my hectic schedule....or am I asking too much?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Month 1 as a Hindu.
Where's the beef?
I don't know but I want some!!!
I have to admit that being a Hindu is pretty freaking easy if you remember one basic thing- God is in EVERYTHING.
Hinduism is also a lot more cosmic then I would've imagined, like perhaps my past life actually took place in the future (because time isn't linear). Yea. Doesn't that shit blow your mind? Nacho said that Hinduism seems to have a lot of parallels with his religion (trust me, I will totally make him fill me in more on what he calls "That old time American Indian religion" since I can't technically participate....being a white chick and all).
Giving up beef sucks, I can only eat so many chicken sandwiches, but at least the Giant near my house has bison meat so I don't have to go without spaghetti.
When I'm not just trying to get out of the house on time, I do practice a Puja ritual. I wake up, do some yoga, meditate, shower and then prepare my breakfast setting aside an offering on the fireplace mantle.....So the first time I did this, I was going to give my offering to my little Buddha statue that I got on a trip to Hawaii five years ago....but....Loki hid it somewhere. So I'm running around the house looking for my little Buddha statue (and at this point I am fucking starving because I'm not supposed to eat until I've performed the other parts of the ritual). Dad and Nacho seem to be just loving this, by the way. Then Nacho says, "Does it have to be Buddha?"
No. It doesn't. This is one of the other things I love about Hinduism- their belief that there are many ways to spiritual enlightenment and their tolerance for other religions. Hindus don't believe that their religion is the "right" religion. It is simply the path that they choose to take for spiritual fullfillment (AWESOME, right?!). So after hunting through the house, I found a crucifix with a tiny Jesus on it. So I made my offering to Jesus (and for the rest of the day, my Step Mom kept asking why there was an over easy egg on the mantle and when could she throw it away).
So then, I decided to take the drive up to College Park to check out the DC Metropolitan area Hindu Temple, Nacho agreed to tag along for moral support (and I think it was mostly because he was bored and had nothing better to do). This temple was so beautiful!!!! We entered and saw that we had to take our shoes off before entering the actual temple. So I did....Nacho bitched a bit about how his shoes better not get stolen but he took his shoes off too. Then we walked into the main area and I was blown away by how beautiful it was inside as well. All around were statues of the Gods and at the front was an altar with larger statues of certain gods (like Buddha and Rama). And in the corner was a man playing drums with his hands. He stopped shortly after we walked in, and tried to explain a bit about the temple to us (of course there was a tad bit of a language barrier). Then he stepped upon the alter and handed us each a tiny ball shaped yellow pastry and told us it was an offering for good health and prosperity. Moments later a girl (probably in her late teens), entered a placed an offering of fruit on the altar. "Fuck," I said to myself, "I didn't bring an offering...oh well, next time."
Then we stepped out, a put our shoes back on, pastries still in our hand. As I look at the temple's upcoming events on their bulletin board, I take a bite of the pastry ball thing and then Nacho leans in, "I think you were supposed to offer that to the Gods."
My mouth is full of pastry (it really was quite good), "Nuh-unh!"
"Yea. I think he gave it to us to give to the Gods."
"Well then why the fuck didn't you give it to the Gods?!"
"I don't know...I'm not Hindu."
"Dammit, Nacho!!!! You are supposed to tell me shit like that! Did I just offend them?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"FUCK!"
So...I may have pissed off that drummer guy....I may have pissed off the Gods. I'm still not too sure. But so far I like being Hindu. It's a very beautiful religion....but I totally miss eating beef, but perhaps my body is better off without the red meat? I'm not sure. We will see with this next month. Personally, I think Buddhism is the one that's going to stick with me. But we will see : )
I don't know but I want some!!!
I have to admit that being a Hindu is pretty freaking easy if you remember one basic thing- God is in EVERYTHING.
Hinduism is also a lot more cosmic then I would've imagined, like perhaps my past life actually took place in the future (because time isn't linear). Yea. Doesn't that shit blow your mind? Nacho said that Hinduism seems to have a lot of parallels with his religion (trust me, I will totally make him fill me in more on what he calls "That old time American Indian religion" since I can't technically participate....being a white chick and all).
Giving up beef sucks, I can only eat so many chicken sandwiches, but at least the Giant near my house has bison meat so I don't have to go without spaghetti.
When I'm not just trying to get out of the house on time, I do practice a Puja ritual. I wake up, do some yoga, meditate, shower and then prepare my breakfast setting aside an offering on the fireplace mantle.....So the first time I did this, I was going to give my offering to my little Buddha statue that I got on a trip to Hawaii five years ago....but....Loki hid it somewhere. So I'm running around the house looking for my little Buddha statue (and at this point I am fucking starving because I'm not supposed to eat until I've performed the other parts of the ritual). Dad and Nacho seem to be just loving this, by the way. Then Nacho says, "Does it have to be Buddha?"
No. It doesn't. This is one of the other things I love about Hinduism- their belief that there are many ways to spiritual enlightenment and their tolerance for other religions. Hindus don't believe that their religion is the "right" religion. It is simply the path that they choose to take for spiritual fullfillment (AWESOME, right?!). So after hunting through the house, I found a crucifix with a tiny Jesus on it. So I made my offering to Jesus (and for the rest of the day, my Step Mom kept asking why there was an over easy egg on the mantle and when could she throw it away).
So then, I decided to take the drive up to College Park to check out the DC Metropolitan area Hindu Temple, Nacho agreed to tag along for moral support (and I think it was mostly because he was bored and had nothing better to do). This temple was so beautiful!!!! We entered and saw that we had to take our shoes off before entering the actual temple. So I did....Nacho bitched a bit about how his shoes better not get stolen but he took his shoes off too. Then we walked into the main area and I was blown away by how beautiful it was inside as well. All around were statues of the Gods and at the front was an altar with larger statues of certain gods (like Buddha and Rama). And in the corner was a man playing drums with his hands. He stopped shortly after we walked in, and tried to explain a bit about the temple to us (of course there was a tad bit of a language barrier). Then he stepped upon the alter and handed us each a tiny ball shaped yellow pastry and told us it was an offering for good health and prosperity. Moments later a girl (probably in her late teens), entered a placed an offering of fruit on the altar. "Fuck," I said to myself, "I didn't bring an offering...oh well, next time."
Then we stepped out, a put our shoes back on, pastries still in our hand. As I look at the temple's upcoming events on their bulletin board, I take a bite of the pastry ball thing and then Nacho leans in, "I think you were supposed to offer that to the Gods."
My mouth is full of pastry (it really was quite good), "Nuh-unh!"
"Yea. I think he gave it to us to give to the Gods."
"Well then why the fuck didn't you give it to the Gods?!"
"I don't know...I'm not Hindu."
"Dammit, Nacho!!!! You are supposed to tell me shit like that! Did I just offend them?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"FUCK!"
So...I may have pissed off that drummer guy....I may have pissed off the Gods. I'm still not too sure. But so far I like being Hindu. It's a very beautiful religion....but I totally miss eating beef, but perhaps my body is better off without the red meat? I'm not sure. We will see with this next month. Personally, I think Buddhism is the one that's going to stick with me. But we will see : )
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My 4th (and final week) As a Scientologist
So this week, I acomplished a Scientology rite of passage and recieved the answers to my personality test. I had taken this test on January 3rd but now I was discovering the answers. Kiel had called me that morning from Afghanistan, and when I mentioned to him I was going to learn the results of my personality test, he answered, "Oh? So you are going to find out your depressed, huh?" (which is a reflection of the South Park episode where they take on Scientology). I laughed it off because I was honestly excited to learn the results of my test. I'm not depressed (I do suffer from anxiety attacks, though). So I dropped Loki off with Krissi and headed into DC.
So I went up to the fourth floor of the building and met again with Austin, who pulled up my results. Guess what it said? Yup. I'm fucking depressed and didn't even know it (go on all you South Park fans, have a chuckle). According to Oxford Capacity Analysis, I am depressed, easily influenced by my surroundings (that might be true), anxious (yea) and not compassionate (fucking seriously? then what would my mother and Kiel score for that?). I promise as soon as I get my car back from the VW dealership I will scan and post the actual test results page BTW. Then Austin reccomended a shit load of classes that (for a nominal fee) would help me with my problems. About 5 different classes. $50 a pop. You do the math.
Then I went down to the study room to do more studying and was greeted by She Who Constantly Blows Up My Fucking Phone. She made some snide comment about my not being by in a while. So when she asked me if I had any questions....I did. The Dianetics Book says that the reactive mind can be physically located during autopsy, but it doesn't say where it is located. What lobe of the brain is this evil horrible thing that causes people to be sad and act foolishly? So I asked her. She fumbled through her copy of Dianetics for a moment and then showed me a page that said the reactive mind was located within each cell....So each cell has a mind? What does it look like? Where are the pictures/ graphs? WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE? I understand that religion is faith and that faith must be something that is blind but if this is something that can be physically proven then prove it! She couldn't. I stayed for only half an hour and got out of there.
I was scheduled to take a Dianetics Seminar that following weekend. This was to better help me understand the book that I was being harrased to come by a study more. By this point I was just so freaking done with it. Seriously- Go to a seminar all weekend for almost 12 hours a day? Leave Loki for that long on the weekend without even the hopes of being intoxicated? So the night before (a Friday), Krissi, Nacho and I went to La Tolteca for dinner and the next night I had plans to go out with Krissi and Jessica since Jess was in town for the weekend. As we are driving to the restaurant, I get a call. It's from Jim, the man leading the seminar that weekend. He wanted to confirm I would be there and told me to make sure to get plenty of sleep and not to drink any alcohol. I said "Sure thing." And got off the phone.
Guess who had a BIG ASS MARGARITA at dinner that night? This girl right here.
When I got home that night, I went into the Moms' room and talked to them about this. "Mom....I really don't want to go to this seminar. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of this."
"Then why are you going?"
".....my journey, I guess."
"Krys, if you know that this isn't for you, then you know it isn't for you. Would a seminar make that big of a difference?"
As I laid in bed that night, playing around on my laptop, listening to Loki's lullabies over his baby monitor, I came across a very disturbing website with even more disturbing articles. This website contained a Penthouse 1983 article with L. Ron Hubbard Jr. that really disturbed me (talks of abortion obsessions, drugs, money, beatings, blackmail, Satanism) and then there was a similar article from a Paulette Cooper who wrote "The Scandal Behind Scientology," in 1968 and was sued, harrassed and slandered (allegedly) by the church for 15 years.
Guess who didn't go to the seminar?
Guess who still gets calls from Scientologists?
Guess who is so not a Scientologist?
THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!
Now on to being Hindu.
So I went up to the fourth floor of the building and met again with Austin, who pulled up my results. Guess what it said? Yup. I'm fucking depressed and didn't even know it (go on all you South Park fans, have a chuckle). According to Oxford Capacity Analysis, I am depressed, easily influenced by my surroundings (that might be true), anxious (yea) and not compassionate (fucking seriously? then what would my mother and Kiel score for that?). I promise as soon as I get my car back from the VW dealership I will scan and post the actual test results page BTW. Then Austin reccomended a shit load of classes that (for a nominal fee) would help me with my problems. About 5 different classes. $50 a pop. You do the math.
Then I went down to the study room to do more studying and was greeted by She Who Constantly Blows Up My Fucking Phone. She made some snide comment about my not being by in a while. So when she asked me if I had any questions....I did. The Dianetics Book says that the reactive mind can be physically located during autopsy, but it doesn't say where it is located. What lobe of the brain is this evil horrible thing that causes people to be sad and act foolishly? So I asked her. She fumbled through her copy of Dianetics for a moment and then showed me a page that said the reactive mind was located within each cell....So each cell has a mind? What does it look like? Where are the pictures/ graphs? WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE? I understand that religion is faith and that faith must be something that is blind but if this is something that can be physically proven then prove it! She couldn't. I stayed for only half an hour and got out of there.
I was scheduled to take a Dianetics Seminar that following weekend. This was to better help me understand the book that I was being harrased to come by a study more. By this point I was just so freaking done with it. Seriously- Go to a seminar all weekend for almost 12 hours a day? Leave Loki for that long on the weekend without even the hopes of being intoxicated? So the night before (a Friday), Krissi, Nacho and I went to La Tolteca for dinner and the next night I had plans to go out with Krissi and Jessica since Jess was in town for the weekend. As we are driving to the restaurant, I get a call. It's from Jim, the man leading the seminar that weekend. He wanted to confirm I would be there and told me to make sure to get plenty of sleep and not to drink any alcohol. I said "Sure thing." And got off the phone.
Guess who had a BIG ASS MARGARITA at dinner that night? This girl right here.
When I got home that night, I went into the Moms' room and talked to them about this. "Mom....I really don't want to go to this seminar. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of this."
"Then why are you going?"
".....my journey, I guess."
"Krys, if you know that this isn't for you, then you know it isn't for you. Would a seminar make that big of a difference?"
As I laid in bed that night, playing around on my laptop, listening to Loki's lullabies over his baby monitor, I came across a very disturbing website with even more disturbing articles. This website contained a Penthouse 1983 article with L. Ron Hubbard Jr. that really disturbed me (talks of abortion obsessions, drugs, money, beatings, blackmail, Satanism) and then there was a similar article from a Paulette Cooper who wrote "The Scandal Behind Scientology," in 1968 and was sued, harrassed and slandered (allegedly) by the church for 15 years.
Guess who didn't go to the seminar?
Guess who still gets calls from Scientologists?
Guess who is so not a Scientologist?
THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!
Now on to being Hindu.
Friday, January 28, 2011
My 3rd Week as a Scientologist
So I was a bit skeptical to return to the course room where every student morphs into a child that must always be accounted for, but as I left I told them I would be back on Monday because I thought that Monday was the 18th and the day I started my internship with the Democratic National Committee. Except.....Monday was Martin Luther King Day and the 18th was actually a Tuesday. So on Friday night, myself and few friends were hanging out in my living room watching Chappelle's Show and having some drinks. After quite a few drinks, Krissi said, "Dude we should go somewhere and do something." Nacho perked up, "We should go to New York."
I grabbed my laptop and started looking for rates of hotels that boasted a view of Times Square. Surprisingly the rates were very decent (last minute booking, I suppose). But then my laptop died and we continued drinking.
Then on Sunday morning the idea resurfaced. I tried to think of a reason for us to not go. And I couldn't. The drive wasn't long. It wouldn't cost alot. I didn't have anything to do until Tuesday afternoon and Loki is a pro at traveling. With a room overlooking Times Square we could just sit in the room, enjoy the view and have a few drinks, then do some sight seeing in the morning before we leave. So after discussing who would pay for what, I booked the room, packed Loki and I's things, then picked up Nacho and Krissi for our road trip.
I grabbed my laptop and started looking for rates of hotels that boasted a view of Times Square. Surprisingly the rates were very decent (last minute booking, I suppose). But then my laptop died and we continued drinking.
Then on Sunday morning the idea resurfaced. I tried to think of a reason for us to not go. And I couldn't. The drive wasn't long. It wouldn't cost alot. I didn't have anything to do until Tuesday afternoon and Loki is a pro at traveling. With a room overlooking Times Square we could just sit in the room, enjoy the view and have a few drinks, then do some sight seeing in the morning before we leave. So after discussing who would pay for what, I booked the room, packed Loki and I's things, then picked up Nacho and Krissi for our road trip.
So ok, maybe all we did was night was have a few drinks and enjoy the view of Times Square, but given the company, it was wonderful. The next day we walked around Time Square and had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe before we piled up into the car to drive back to Maryland.
As we walked back to the Valet/ parking garage to get my car, (literally seconds after this picture was taken) my phone started ringing. I looked and saw that it was a 202 number (Washington, D.C.), because the Democratic National Committee is in DC and because I had intern orientation th next day, I answered.
"Hi this is Alicia from the Founding Church of Scientology."
"Hi Alicia, what can I do for you?"
"Well you were supposed to be in at 2:30 today to do your coursework."
Fucking really? Now to help all of you get a better picture, let me explain how my Dianetics course works. I have the book Dianetics. Then I was given a Diantics Workbook. I go into the course room, read Dianetics and then answer questions in the workbook which I turn in as I leave. I do this at my own pace and the people in the course basically sit there and wait for you to have a question they can answer or for you to wonder what a word means (They actually gave me a dictionary for "young readers" when I came in last time. It took a lot of strength to not throw that dictionary in their faces and let them know that I could teach them a thing or too about the English language...but I refrained) I could easily do this at home (having the workbook makes a huge difference). And now these people are calling me because I didn't want to come sit in their "course room" (where I have to tell them if I'm going to the bathroom and can't even bring in a bottle of water with me) and do something I could do at home and not waste as much gas.
So, contrary to what my brain was telling me, I didn't hang up the phone right then and there and told Alicia I would be in after my orientation on Tuesday.
Tuesday morning I woke up early, put on my brand new, absoluetly adorable, gray Calvin Klien suit and some cute Steve Madden pumps (reminding myself to get the pants on my absoluetly adorable suit hemmed ASAP so I could wear them without wearing 3 inch heels), dropped Loki off at Krissi's house and managed to find a 2 hr parking space right in front of the DNC (whic was awesome because orientation was only supposed to be an hour long). Myself and my fellow interns were grossly overdressed. Everyone there wears jeans! It is certianly the more casual side of business casual. They also have no problem joking around and cursing around one another. So I instantly fell in love with the laid back atmosphere. We all recieved our ID badges and were shown were our departments would be. I get to work in Operations and my sliver of a desk is right near Jennifer O'Malley Dillion's office as well as DNC Chairman Tim Kaine's office. Yea, it was pretty cool.
So after orientation was over, I got to head over to the other side of town. I only planned on spending an hour ther because I really wanted to get home to Loki. So I rushed inside, opened up my book and my workbook and tried to hurry through the last two parts of Book One.
Then I saw a woman lean over near me, trying to get my attention. I looked up and smiled. She introduced herself to me as Ann Marie. "I've had about four people come up to me and tell me I have to meet you. I'm not sure if you are looking for a job but I am in charge of staff hires here and would love to meet you."
Shut the fuck up! These people want to work for them?! And actually pay me to do it?! I hope my expression didn't come off astoo shocked but I told her thank you and that I would meet with her the next time I came in.
Not even two minutes after she left, a man with curly hair and glasses (and of course black pants and black turtleneck) came up to me and introduced himself as Austin. He said he wanted to meet me and perhaps do a personality text with me (yup, the famous Scientology personality test) I told him I had taken it online so we agreed to meet the next time I came in as well to go over my results.
I have to admit with work at the DNC, I have been slacking. I am supposed to become a Hindu on the first but I haven't even finished my Dianetics Course. I have a Dianetics seminar this weekend but it goes from 9-7 on Saturday and 10-6 on Sunday. I may have to break it up into two weekends. While I fully intend to start my two months as a Hindu on schedule, I may just simply have to allow Scientology to over lap into that abit, simply so I can have more reasearch on the area. I suppose it would be like moving Scientology from a full on religion to more of a complimentary aspect like what Sarah had told me the week before (how she practiced Catholicism but was a Scientologist). I have to admit though, I will be pretty happy when I'm done with this religion. I hope they won't keep calling me. I'll just tell them I moved away or something.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My 2nd Week As a Scientologist
So last week, I went back to the Founding Church of Scientology in Washington, D.C. to give auditing a try. I re-entered the beautiful building and asked the receptionist to see Nicki. As I waited, I walked over to one of the video displays about Scientology, pressed a button to see a short movie titled , "What Scientologists have to say about Scientology," and sat down on a small bench in front of the screen to watch the movie.
As I watched the movie, Nicki quietly sat down next to me. I leaned towards her and asked quietly, "How long have you been a Scientologist?"
"About 16 years," she replied, her voice just as quiet as mine. We both sat there for a moment, our eyes fixed on the screen. I wanted to learn more. "What made you want to be a Scientologist?"
"My marriage," she answered. Then she went on to tell me that her husband had bought the book Dianetics but never really studied it. When their marriage began to suffer (for reasons she wouldn't say) they tried a marriage course at the Scientology Center. "It helped us save our marriage," she said.
I was so touched that this woman was able to tell me something so personal like that. As she sat next to me with a big smile on her face, I felt so happy for her. It really made me want to give this whole auditing thing a shot. So when she stood up and asked me to follow her downstairs so I could meet my auditor, I eagerly followed.
Once we reached the basement, a somewhat cute guy rounded the corner and offered me his hand. He introduced himself to me as Dan (name changed of course). I noticed he was wearing the same black pants, black turtleneck attire that Nicki was wearing. A quick glance around the room showed at least three other people in the same outfit. I realized that this was staff uniform.....and it looked.....a bit dumb. I scolded myelf for being judgemental and followed Dan and another guy (I assume he was Dan's helper or spotter or something lik that) into a sort of conference room where there was a row of chairs that was lined up directly across another row of chairs. I sat down across from Dan, facing him, while the other guy sat off to the side. Dan opened up a sot of auditing manual and told me to relax and close my eyes.
Dan asked me to go back to the earliest painful memory I could think of. Well shit. When going back as far as I can remember I became conflicted. What was actually a memory and what a memory of something someone had told me? And the how the hell am I supposed to remember something from the womb if I can directly remember something from the womb? How is this me tapping into my "reactive mind," if I'm just fucking around with my "analytical mind?" But I pushed those thoughts to the side and did what I was told. I remembered when a fight between my mom, dad and (former) step father. They were arguing because my step father wanted to adopt me and my father wasn't having it. He left the house in a storm and I remembered feeling like it was my fault that everyone was upset because the were fighting about me. I know that it wasn't my fault, now. But as a little girl, that is what I thought. Then I was told to go to my earliest happy memory. It was me, spending the night at my Pop Pop's house (back when he lived in his town house in Ft. Washington) and I was helping him make breakfast.
When I opened my eyes, my mascara had made a mess on my face. Dan was telling me that I did great. What the fuck did I do? I didn't feel any different. I still don't. These wasn't some untapped experience. I knew about these experiences. I remembered them vividly before auditing. Maybe it's just because it was my first try.
So then I was led up to a registration office. There I met a pretty young woman named Sarah*. She told me that she thought I would be a great fit for a Dianetics study course as well as a weekend Dianetics seminar. What the hell? Why not. I agreed to do both. Might as well learn as much as I can about Dianetics, end the month with a seminar and then do my two months as a Hindu. Then she told me I could ask her whatever I wanted to know about Scientology. Was this a trick? Fuck it. "I'm a huge South Park fan, Sarah," I said,"So obviously I saw that episode about Tom Cruise and Xenu and Scientology being a cult and all of that."
She smiled, amused. "There is no Xenu. I have been a Scientologist for 5 years and have never heard anything about aliens. The only answer I have for that is that perhaps it was in one of L. Ron's science fiction books."
Sarah then went on to tell me that while many people consider Scientology to be their religion, for many other it is simply a way to complement another religion. "I am a Scientologist," she said," but I still go to Mass."
She also told me that if I continued on the path of auditing that I would eliminate my panic attacks and no longer need meds for them. I liked that thought. And it was certainly something worth trying if there is the possibility it could do that.
Three days later I returned to start my Dianetics course. I entered the building and the receptionist asked me to sign in ("In case thee is an emergency, we know who is here and where they are.") and I went up to the third floor where the course room was. I sat down and opened my book, my work book and pulled out my course schedule. A womn came up to me, and marked on my schedule that I should try to get a certain point by the time I left. Well I went three chapters past that (I've always been a bit of a fast reader/ book worm). Then during a chapter on being "clear," my phone vibrated. It was Krissi. She was watching Loki for me while I was in D.C. She wrote that her dog, Gunner, had just died. I started to text back, asking if I needed to come back and get the baby when I noticed that woman standing over me. "There is no texting in here," she said sternly with a smile on her face. Fucking, really?! "It's my babysitter," I said in the exact same tone,"I may have to leave and get my baby."
Her face showed concern, "You can step outside and call her."
I smiled back, "No it's fine. She will text me back in a minute," and I went right back to my work. She got distracted by a man who was trying to leave, "Where are you going?" she asked him.
"The bathroom." he said.
"Let me know when you are going somewhere."
I sat there with my mouth open wide. Was this fucking grade school? I thought of getting up and walking out, and when being asked where I was going shouting, "I'm 24 years old, I don't give a damn!" But I really needed to get as much work done as possible.
I worked until about 4:00. Four straight hours of reading and doing workbook crap. Then as I went to leave, all they wanted to know was when I would be back. I told them Monday evening. I'm not sure what to make of the course stuff. I think I am grasping the ridiculously difficult read known as Dianetics but I still don't think I fully believe it and I don't know if I like the whole controlling aspect of that room....but maybe that one lady just took her job waaaayyyy too seriously.
As I watched the movie, Nicki quietly sat down next to me. I leaned towards her and asked quietly, "How long have you been a Scientologist?"
"About 16 years," she replied, her voice just as quiet as mine. We both sat there for a moment, our eyes fixed on the screen. I wanted to learn more. "What made you want to be a Scientologist?"
"My marriage," she answered. Then she went on to tell me that her husband had bought the book Dianetics but never really studied it. When their marriage began to suffer (for reasons she wouldn't say) they tried a marriage course at the Scientology Center. "It helped us save our marriage," she said.
I was so touched that this woman was able to tell me something so personal like that. As she sat next to me with a big smile on her face, I felt so happy for her. It really made me want to give this whole auditing thing a shot. So when she stood up and asked me to follow her downstairs so I could meet my auditor, I eagerly followed.
Once we reached the basement, a somewhat cute guy rounded the corner and offered me his hand. He introduced himself to me as Dan (name changed of course). I noticed he was wearing the same black pants, black turtleneck attire that Nicki was wearing. A quick glance around the room showed at least three other people in the same outfit. I realized that this was staff uniform.....and it looked.....a bit dumb. I scolded myelf for being judgemental and followed Dan and another guy (I assume he was Dan's helper or spotter or something lik that) into a sort of conference room where there was a row of chairs that was lined up directly across another row of chairs. I sat down across from Dan, facing him, while the other guy sat off to the side. Dan opened up a sot of auditing manual and told me to relax and close my eyes.
Dan asked me to go back to the earliest painful memory I could think of. Well shit. When going back as far as I can remember I became conflicted. What was actually a memory and what a memory of something someone had told me? And the how the hell am I supposed to remember something from the womb if I can directly remember something from the womb? How is this me tapping into my "reactive mind," if I'm just fucking around with my "analytical mind?" But I pushed those thoughts to the side and did what I was told. I remembered when a fight between my mom, dad and (former) step father. They were arguing because my step father wanted to adopt me and my father wasn't having it. He left the house in a storm and I remembered feeling like it was my fault that everyone was upset because the were fighting about me. I know that it wasn't my fault, now. But as a little girl, that is what I thought. Then I was told to go to my earliest happy memory. It was me, spending the night at my Pop Pop's house (back when he lived in his town house in Ft. Washington) and I was helping him make breakfast.
When I opened my eyes, my mascara had made a mess on my face. Dan was telling me that I did great. What the fuck did I do? I didn't feel any different. I still don't. These wasn't some untapped experience. I knew about these experiences. I remembered them vividly before auditing. Maybe it's just because it was my first try.
So then I was led up to a registration office. There I met a pretty young woman named Sarah*. She told me that she thought I would be a great fit for a Dianetics study course as well as a weekend Dianetics seminar. What the hell? Why not. I agreed to do both. Might as well learn as much as I can about Dianetics, end the month with a seminar and then do my two months as a Hindu. Then she told me I could ask her whatever I wanted to know about Scientology. Was this a trick? Fuck it. "I'm a huge South Park fan, Sarah," I said,"So obviously I saw that episode about Tom Cruise and Xenu and Scientology being a cult and all of that."
She smiled, amused. "There is no Xenu. I have been a Scientologist for 5 years and have never heard anything about aliens. The only answer I have for that is that perhaps it was in one of L. Ron's science fiction books."
Sarah then went on to tell me that while many people consider Scientology to be their religion, for many other it is simply a way to complement another religion. "I am a Scientologist," she said," but I still go to Mass."
She also told me that if I continued on the path of auditing that I would eliminate my panic attacks and no longer need meds for them. I liked that thought. And it was certainly something worth trying if there is the possibility it could do that.
Three days later I returned to start my Dianetics course. I entered the building and the receptionist asked me to sign in ("In case thee is an emergency, we know who is here and where they are.") and I went up to the third floor where the course room was. I sat down and opened my book, my work book and pulled out my course schedule. A womn came up to me, and marked on my schedule that I should try to get a certain point by the time I left. Well I went three chapters past that (I've always been a bit of a fast reader/ book worm). Then during a chapter on being "clear," my phone vibrated. It was Krissi. She was watching Loki for me while I was in D.C. She wrote that her dog, Gunner, had just died. I started to text back, asking if I needed to come back and get the baby when I noticed that woman standing over me. "There is no texting in here," she said sternly with a smile on her face. Fucking, really?! "It's my babysitter," I said in the exact same tone,"I may have to leave and get my baby."
Her face showed concern, "You can step outside and call her."
I smiled back, "No it's fine. She will text me back in a minute," and I went right back to my work. She got distracted by a man who was trying to leave, "Where are you going?" she asked him.
"The bathroom." he said.
"Let me know when you are going somewhere."
I sat there with my mouth open wide. Was this fucking grade school? I thought of getting up and walking out, and when being asked where I was going shouting, "I'm 24 years old, I don't give a damn!" But I really needed to get as much work done as possible.
I worked until about 4:00. Four straight hours of reading and doing workbook crap. Then as I went to leave, all they wanted to know was when I would be back. I told them Monday evening. I'm not sure what to make of the course stuff. I think I am grasping the ridiculously difficult read known as Dianetics but I still don't think I fully believe it and I don't know if I like the whole controlling aspect of that room....but maybe that one lady just took her job waaaayyyy too seriously.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My first week as a Scientologist
I'm still not very sure how I feel about Scientology. The people are extremely friendly and seem to be very happy, but it seems to be a religion void of the spiritual aspects of other religions. I was there for three hours on Monday and all that was discussed was my mind. So lemme tell ya about that:
Holy shit that was a rough morning. Loki and I have been fighting off a cold and it really started to hit Loki that morning. He was fussy and stuffy and part of me thought I was simply going to have to leave him on the side of the road and cut my losses.So then I had to google where I hell I was going because I really don't spend a lot of time in Dupont Circle so I don't know that neighborhood as well as I know others. That's when I found out that the Church of Scientology in D.C. was THE FIRST Scientology church. And that L. Ron Hubbard actually lived in the house that was later converted into the first Scientology Church for a few years.
Anywho, so I load Loki up into the car with his stroller and all of his necessities while he is screaming at me from his car seat (and in my mind I was cursing my friends who weren't able to go with me: "Fuck your back, Krissi!!!!" "Fuck your furnace, Nacho!!!!"). Thankfully the traffic on 210/295/395 didn't suck and I found myself at 1826 R Street, NW in about 20 minutes. I was lucky enough to get a spot practically in front of the center, so I paid the meter, got Loki situated in his stroller and walked across the street to start my journey.
Well, no one ever said that finding yourself was a smooth journey, but WHAT THE FUCK!? No handicap access so I was pulling Loki's stroller up the front stairs. Not easy! But when we reached the top, I smoothed my jacket, fixed my hair and reached for the door. Except the fucking door knob wouldn't budge! I saw a white piece of paper on the door. Apparently THIS Scientology Center is being converted into a historical site/ mueseum and there is a NEW Scientologfy Center/ Church on 16th st (about 2 miles aways). "Fuck fuck fuck," I cursed as I then had to get Loki's stroller back down those front stairs (oh and a shout out to that douche bag who walked by, looked at us and didn't offer to help; you are a class act, butt hole!). So I loaded us back into the car, folded up the stroller, cursed again as I saw that I still have 1:50 left on the parking meter and made our way over to 16th st. (sick baby+ me already uber pissed off + it was fucking cold out= yes I did drive two miles).
So then we pulled up to the NEW Scientology Church. I found a parking space (Fuck! The meter! I used all my change on the OTHER meter. Oh well give me a ticket!). Unloaded Loki and got him situated in his stroller and we started back on my journey again...
EXCEPT....this church wasn't very handicap friendly either. There were only a few steps out front but a shit load of them inside and I could totally see myself eating shit on those pretty marble stairs and either myself or Loki taking a trip to the ER. So...... back to the car. I got Loki out of his stroller and put his stroller back in the car and decided to justy hold him the entire time.
So the inside of the Scientology Church was very beautiful. Marble and hardwood floors and beautiful molding that gave it a feel like I was walking around someone's house. There was a display that took up most of the lobby, sort of a walking display that covered different aspects of Scientology. The first display highlighted L. Ron Hubbard with other displays discussing Dianetics, the growth of Scientology from Dianetics into a religion and various community programs. A nice woman came out to talk to me, named Nikki (name changed of course, there is that rumor that Scientologists are quick to sue and I'm not getting sued for unlawfuilly using someone's name). Being that I couldn't just say, "Hey I'm on a quest to find God! Let's go look for him/her!" I told her that I was interested in Scientology and that I was currently trying to get through the latest edition of Dianetics but was finding it to be a very difficult read. This woman was so friendly! She set Loki and I up in a private viewing room (and brought in toys for Loki to play) so I could watch a supplemental DVD about Dianetics.
Ok so...while the DVD seemed to make assumptions that seemed to be plasuble (how our life experiences and the trauma we have dealt with can sabotage us from happiness later in life)...there were some parts that just seemed to jump out at me and make me think, could this really be true? There were a few times when it talked about how psychology and psychiatry are ineffective and basically wrong (which made me think of when Tom Cruise told Brooke Shields that she should've simply exercised to cure her post partum depression instead of taking her meds.....HAHAHAHAHA Shut the hell up!). But then it was when the DVD discussed how many of the engrams we carry (past painful experiences that are recorded in the reactive center of our brains) are given to us before we become 2 years old, with many of them being while we are still in the womb. I'm not saying that it isn't possible...but from what I have learned, it simply doesn't seem plausible. A baby can hear by a certain age and their cognitive skills are usually some of the last to develop, for the most part babies in the wombs simply react so how would Loki be "knocked out," if I had hit my stomach on the counter and then been able to record what I was saying and be able to comprehend it all subconsciously later in his life? I'm still very skeptical, but I'm trying to keep myself open to all of this. And where is the Supreme Being in all of this? There was so much discussion about my mind and my past and my experiences and paying $20 for the DVD I was watching (I didn't, BTW, Kiel threw enough of a bitch fit when I told him that I had bought books about it) that I don't see the religion aspect of Scientology yet, but it has only been a week.
So tomorrow I go in for my first auditing session. I'm curious to see if it works and I'm also scared that it will work. Christianity boasts the power of confession, but it also boasts that some times the best thing for a woman to do is to "silently bear her cross." Not to say I'm some martyr or that my life hasn't been freaking sweet (it has, just so you know!) but I have had bumps along the way and I don't know if I can really open myself up to some stranger who wouldn't even be able to offer me a xanax afterwards to deal with whatever wounds I would be re-opening. But who knows, maybe it will make me even happier.
Oh and I didn't get a parking ticket.
Holy shit that was a rough morning. Loki and I have been fighting off a cold and it really started to hit Loki that morning. He was fussy and stuffy and part of me thought I was simply going to have to leave him on the side of the road and cut my losses.So then I had to google where I hell I was going because I really don't spend a lot of time in Dupont Circle so I don't know that neighborhood as well as I know others. That's when I found out that the Church of Scientology in D.C. was THE FIRST Scientology church. And that L. Ron Hubbard actually lived in the house that was later converted into the first Scientology Church for a few years.
Anywho, so I load Loki up into the car with his stroller and all of his necessities while he is screaming at me from his car seat (and in my mind I was cursing my friends who weren't able to go with me: "Fuck your back, Krissi!!!!" "Fuck your furnace, Nacho!!!!"). Thankfully the traffic on 210/295/395 didn't suck and I found myself at 1826 R Street, NW in about 20 minutes. I was lucky enough to get a spot practically in front of the center, so I paid the meter, got Loki situated in his stroller and walked across the street to start my journey.
Well, no one ever said that finding yourself was a smooth journey, but WHAT THE FUCK!? No handicap access so I was pulling Loki's stroller up the front stairs. Not easy! But when we reached the top, I smoothed my jacket, fixed my hair and reached for the door. Except the fucking door knob wouldn't budge! I saw a white piece of paper on the door. Apparently THIS Scientology Center is being converted into a historical site/ mueseum and there is a NEW Scientologfy Center/ Church on 16th st (about 2 miles aways). "Fuck fuck fuck," I cursed as I then had to get Loki's stroller back down those front stairs (oh and a shout out to that douche bag who walked by, looked at us and didn't offer to help; you are a class act, butt hole!). So I loaded us back into the car, folded up the stroller, cursed again as I saw that I still have 1:50 left on the parking meter and made our way over to 16th st. (sick baby+ me already uber pissed off + it was fucking cold out= yes I did drive two miles).
So then we pulled up to the NEW Scientology Church. I found a parking space (Fuck! The meter! I used all my change on the OTHER meter. Oh well give me a ticket!). Unloaded Loki and got him situated in his stroller and we started back on my journey again...
EXCEPT....this church wasn't very handicap friendly either. There were only a few steps out front but a shit load of them inside and I could totally see myself eating shit on those pretty marble stairs and either myself or Loki taking a trip to the ER. So...... back to the car. I got Loki out of his stroller and put his stroller back in the car and decided to justy hold him the entire time.
So the inside of the Scientology Church was very beautiful. Marble and hardwood floors and beautiful molding that gave it a feel like I was walking around someone's house. There was a display that took up most of the lobby, sort of a walking display that covered different aspects of Scientology. The first display highlighted L. Ron Hubbard with other displays discussing Dianetics, the growth of Scientology from Dianetics into a religion and various community programs. A nice woman came out to talk to me, named Nikki (name changed of course, there is that rumor that Scientologists are quick to sue and I'm not getting sued for unlawfuilly using someone's name). Being that I couldn't just say, "Hey I'm on a quest to find God! Let's go look for him/her!" I told her that I was interested in Scientology and that I was currently trying to get through the latest edition of Dianetics but was finding it to be a very difficult read. This woman was so friendly! She set Loki and I up in a private viewing room (and brought in toys for Loki to play) so I could watch a supplemental DVD about Dianetics.
Ok so...while the DVD seemed to make assumptions that seemed to be plasuble (how our life experiences and the trauma we have dealt with can sabotage us from happiness later in life)...there were some parts that just seemed to jump out at me and make me think, could this really be true? There were a few times when it talked about how psychology and psychiatry are ineffective and basically wrong (which made me think of when Tom Cruise told Brooke Shields that she should've simply exercised to cure her post partum depression instead of taking her meds.....HAHAHAHAHA Shut the hell up!). But then it was when the DVD discussed how many of the engrams we carry (past painful experiences that are recorded in the reactive center of our brains) are given to us before we become 2 years old, with many of them being while we are still in the womb. I'm not saying that it isn't possible...but from what I have learned, it simply doesn't seem plausible. A baby can hear by a certain age and their cognitive skills are usually some of the last to develop, for the most part babies in the wombs simply react so how would Loki be "knocked out," if I had hit my stomach on the counter and then been able to record what I was saying and be able to comprehend it all subconsciously later in his life? I'm still very skeptical, but I'm trying to keep myself open to all of this. And where is the Supreme Being in all of this? There was so much discussion about my mind and my past and my experiences and paying $20 for the DVD I was watching (I didn't, BTW, Kiel threw enough of a bitch fit when I told him that I had bought books about it) that I don't see the religion aspect of Scientology yet, but it has only been a week.
So tomorrow I go in for my first auditing session. I'm curious to see if it works and I'm also scared that it will work. Christianity boasts the power of confession, but it also boasts that some times the best thing for a woman to do is to "silently bear her cross." Not to say I'm some martyr or that my life hasn't been freaking sweet (it has, just so you know!) but I have had bumps along the way and I don't know if I can really open myself up to some stranger who wouldn't even be able to offer me a xanax afterwards to deal with whatever wounds I would be re-opening. But who knows, maybe it will make me even happier.
Oh and I didn't get a parking ticket.
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