Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur

Ok, so like I previously thought, I don't know squat about Judaism even though I am very well aquainted with the Old Testament. But as a very important season in the Jewish year approaches, I am trying to learn about it about how I can apply it  to my life.

From what I have learned, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are times of repentance (turning away from your past transgressions/behaviors) and re-establishing your relationship with G-D. Well I am all about re-establishing my relationship with G-d. I have been so focused on some big sign from G-d and learning and trying on different paths to God, and I really haven't been paying much attention to the vehicle I have been using to take that path- ME. Sure, praying for forgiveness is something I have done countless times and I constantly ask for G-d to make me a better woman and to transform me into that better woman, but I think with the upcoming holidays, I need to really look at ME and what needs to be changed in ME so that G-d actually wants to have a relationship with me. I can be impatient, I can be anxious, I can be REALLY stubborn, self righteous, condescending, selfish, spiteful, hypocritical, narcissistic, disrespectful, greedy and sometimes I think or wish and have sometimes even done or said bad things for/to/about people who have made me angry...

Wow.

Looking at the above words that I used to describe how I can act sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. Am I really this bad of a person? I mean, this is only the stuff I can think of! There is that whole- things we have done wrong without knowing we were doing bad things type of aspect to look at too! My son doesn't deserve a mother like a that. My husband doesn't deserve a wife like that. God doesn't deserve to have a relationship with someone like that (and in all honesty, why would he/she want to?)

So I am taking this moment- this exact moment as I am sitting here typing, with Loki sitting in front of me watching "Blue's Clues," to embrace this time of repentance and reflection to try and make myself into the woman that God wants me to be and that I want to be for those that I love. I am making the descision, RIGHT NOW, to turn away from bad behavior that has, no doubt, affected my relationship with my fellow man and with G-d. I know that there will be moments where I falter, I'm not perfect, but I hope that either G-d will strengthen me during those times or I will be able to recognize the bad behavior immediately, learn from it and get back on the horse of repentance (BTW- the definition of repentance is to 1-regret or feel sorrow for past conduct OR 2-to turn away from sin).

So here I go!

Oh, and please don't try to get me to be catty or spiteful just for your own amusement! I'm really, really trying to better myself here, people!

Shalom.....?

I wish I had the gall to make it through Ramadan...only 1 week can you believe it? I have no excuses except that I'm not experienced with Ramadan and practicing something that no one else around you is practicing is so very difficult. It makes it easier to understand why countries that are predominantly Islam basically shut down during the daylight hours of Ramadan. All those cranky, hungry people trying to devote themselves to God...can't be easy! I can't even imagine how difficult it was for my former boss, Omar to spend his day cooking food and not being able to eat! TORTURE!

I have to admit though, that over the past month, I really feel as though my bond with God is deepening. I have been reading the Koran and really feel as though my comprehension of God is deepening...but at the same time shrinking- but in the best of ways. I am human. I am not perfect. I will think horrible things, I will doubt myself, I will fuck up. To think that I would ever be able to fully comprehend that which created not only me but every thing around me is beyond arrogant- but I will try and comprehend God as best as I can with my limited human brain. I've been speaking to God and trying to abstain form things that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt God wouldn't approve of my doing.

I've really been geting into yoga this past year. It's basically required in the Hindu religion and it's something that has really been sticking with me. I take two yoga classes a week along with a pi-yo (pilates-yoga together) class. and it's really helping me to get in touch with my body. At the end of my yoga classes, we take a corpse pose and basically just meditate on our thoughts. I've been using this time to really meditate on my own prayers and when the meditation is finished, I feel this wave of contentment and comfort. I feel so clear headed that I can only contribute it to a higher power that has come down onto me and reassured me that my soul searching has to be working and leading me to a closer relationship with God.

So now I am onto my study of Judaism with the celebration of Rosh Hashanah at the end of the month. I have a copy of the Torah and some supplemental reading (including some stuff on Kabbalah) to help guide me on my study. My knowledge of Judaism to be honest is pretty limited to what most Christians would know about Judaism which I'm going to assume isn't a damn thing. I was actually engaged to a Jew before I met Kiel, but he didn't really practice. So like the other religions, I hope to be able to further my understanding of this religion and of God.  I feel that with my study of Islam, I have really furthered my comprehension of just how forgiving and understanding God is. You know what is constantly repeated in the Koran, "Allah is most merciful. Allah is most forgiving." Over and over and over this phrase is repeated. God knows our hearts. God knows if we want to be good people and if we want to please God and that is what really matters. I have been told similar things all of my life from the Christian perspective but reading in the Koran really drove it home. I wonder what I will learn from Judaism.