While I haven't eaten past dawn today, I have drank water. I woke up with a massive headache and could barely sleep through the night due to hot flashes I kept getting. I woke up sweaty but my temprature was only 97. I still have a headache but if I were to continue with the fast, I wouldn't even be ale to take the medication to help my head or it would be considered breaking my fast (which, to be honest, I think out of all the exceptions, God would forgive me taking a tylenol, or someone with a sinus infection taking augmentin, or someone with asthma taking a puff off their inhaler). But- that's not even the biggest reason I am taking a "break."
I am only 100 pages (or roughly abou 1/3) into the Qu'ran, so I don't feel as though I have a full perspective of Islam....but the fasting and the mandated prayer IS getting to me. I have never really had prayer be a chore- something I HAD to do. And I realized it this morning as I dreaded waking up at 4:00 am to eat breakfast and pray, that God had become a task, a job...almost a burden ("No girls, I can't go to lunch with you....it's Ramadan...." or me rushing home from OFA so I can pray, or even how praying itself, my communication with God had become monotonous. The words I would express towards God became repetitive and without any deep meaning whatsoever).
This is the exact opposite of what I set out to do. I want to be closer to God, experience God on a much deeper, personal level. I'm certain that God would much rather I come to Him/Her with love and devotion, not because I'm carrying out a daily task. While I think that the coming to God in prayer multiple times during the day is a wonderful thing- by having God always on some part of your mind, you are always reminded of God's love and it helps keep you from doing bad things if you are always thinking of God and what He/She wants for you. But when it became a chore, something I HAD to do five times a day- it became a burden and I CANNOT allow God to become a burden to me. Which leads me to........
PERSONAL TRUTH # 2: WORSHIP GOD OUT OF LOVE, NOT BECAUSE "YOU HAVE TO."
In one of my favorite movies, Dogma, Selma Hayak sums up how she feels about Linda Florentino's obligation to Catholicism by saying "I have a problem with some Catholics who treat God like a burden instead of blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Why would God want praise and prayer from people who would feel that way about Him/Her? I wouldn't. I wouldn't want someone to come spend time with me if they really didn't want to. It's insulting. I want to be able to come to God with love and because I want to. Granted, I DO think that people need to come to God a few times during the day, but to give someone 5 specific times of the day and say "You have to come to God and devote this specific time of day to God," just seems to be the exact opposite...at least for me. It's like when you tell a kid that they HAVE to spend time inside with elderly relatives, when they would much rather be outside playing. You can certainly tell that they would rather be elsewhere. Do you think that God wants you to come to Him/Her in prayer when He/She can certainly tell you would rather be elsewhere? I don't.
So this weekend I am going to take it easy and try to wrap my head around this whole concept. Spend some time with Qu'ran and speak to God the way I always try to- with love and because I want to speak to God. Hopefully after a weekend of self reflection I will either be able to continue Ramadan on Monday with a clear head and a fresh perspective or I won't and then I can prepare for my study of Judaism.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Day 3 of Ramadan 7:01
I'm not supposed say "evil words," so to be safe, I'm not writing them either, but know that many many F words are running through my head right now.
I want to just bury my face in that pureed advocado (for the chicken salad sandwiches I made for dinner, that Kiel already ate and told me it was wonderful) after I down about a liter of ice cold water. I drank a little bit of water earlier. As soon as I swallowed it, all I could think was "fuck." and when trying to get Loki to eat a piece of cheese I sort of ate a bite. I'll have to make sure to ask Allah for forgiveness for that when I'm actually supposed to break my fast in 40 minutes. I'll make sure to find something to donate to the poor as well...that is supposed to help if you break the fast or something...I'm not sure I'm reading a lot of different things.
What made today different than the other days though? My early morning breakfast was yogurt, which varied from my usual cheerios breakfast, but the calorie count is supposed to higher in the yogurt I had.... I took Loki to day care and went in to OFA today, as opposed to staying home and play, and so I wasn't able to lounge around and read my Koran during his nap like I have been. Perhaps just going out and such was too much, because there were moments when I would get up or when I ran up the stairs where I kind of felt like I got up too fast and would see spots. So perhaps, according to some things I have been reading, it was Allah that provoked me to eat/drink? I don't know. Crap this is hard. I have 18 minutes until the fast is supposed to be over now. All of this stuff I read is so contradictory. Allah doesn't want to harm us, yet we can't take medications (like asthma inhalers) when fasting, or have injections? My head is swarming because all I can think of is how thirsty I am and how badly I am ready to have dinner, my stomach feels as though it is literally cramping upon itself. I think so much more clearly after I eat and I'm better able to do my chores around the house because I don't feel so run down.
Now I feel like a total vagina. Seriously. How can these people in the middle east, who are dealing with conditions similar to mine in Las Vegas, be able to complete Ramadan while I fall prey to piece of cheese and a gulp of water?!?!?!?!
Well I guess I'm just human...I'll try again tomorrow.
I want to just bury my face in that pureed advocado (for the chicken salad sandwiches I made for dinner, that Kiel already ate and told me it was wonderful) after I down about a liter of ice cold water. I drank a little bit of water earlier. As soon as I swallowed it, all I could think was "fuck." and when trying to get Loki to eat a piece of cheese I sort of ate a bite. I'll have to make sure to ask Allah for forgiveness for that when I'm actually supposed to break my fast in 40 minutes. I'll make sure to find something to donate to the poor as well...that is supposed to help if you break the fast or something...I'm not sure I'm reading a lot of different things.
What made today different than the other days though? My early morning breakfast was yogurt, which varied from my usual cheerios breakfast, but the calorie count is supposed to higher in the yogurt I had.... I took Loki to day care and went in to OFA today, as opposed to staying home and play, and so I wasn't able to lounge around and read my Koran during his nap like I have been. Perhaps just going out and such was too much, because there were moments when I would get up or when I ran up the stairs where I kind of felt like I got up too fast and would see spots. So perhaps, according to some things I have been reading, it was Allah that provoked me to eat/drink? I don't know. Crap this is hard. I have 18 minutes until the fast is supposed to be over now. All of this stuff I read is so contradictory. Allah doesn't want to harm us, yet we can't take medications (like asthma inhalers) when fasting, or have injections? My head is swarming because all I can think of is how thirsty I am and how badly I am ready to have dinner, my stomach feels as though it is literally cramping upon itself. I think so much more clearly after I eat and I'm better able to do my chores around the house because I don't feel so run down.
Now I feel like a total vagina. Seriously. How can these people in the middle east, who are dealing with conditions similar to mine in Las Vegas, be able to complete Ramadan while I fall prey to piece of cheese and a gulp of water?!?!?!?!
Well I guess I'm just human...I'll try again tomorrow.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Day 1 of Ramadan 4:00
Holy poop am I really about to do this?
I tossed throughout the night. Probably nerves or something. And seriously, 4:00 has a way of sneaking up on you. I came downstairs and poured myself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios (SSSHHH!!!! Don't tell Kiel! That's "his cereal.") and now I'm trying to chug my second bottle of water this morning so I won't be dehydrated throughout the day. For some reason my tongue already feels scratchy, like when you are really thirsty. I have 6 minutes until the Fajr call to prayer and then it will be considered dawn and the fasting of Ramadan starts. Now 5 minutes. I got this app on my phone so I can get the "call to prayer" throughout the day (gotta love technology). Now 4 minutes.
Kiel really doesn't want me to do this, but I feel if I don't, I would be lessening the entire point of my doing this search for God over the past year. Now 3 minutes. Ramadan is considered the holiest month to Islam and so I have to take advantage of something considered so holy when I am trying to further my understanding and personal relationship with God. Now 2 minutes. If it doesm't work out, it doesn't work out, but the point is that I TRY.
So I hope that I don't completely botch this whole prayer thing. I thought it was just bowing down and praying like what we see on TV, but there seems to be an entire ritual to it and I only googled it last night. 1 minute left. I'm sure God will be compassionate with me on this though. I have only started reading the Koran and so I am really just taking that and EVERY single conflicting thing I find (because they are all different!) and doing what I can. Maybe I will visit one of the Mosques around here for further insight.
And there is my call to prayer. Time to nut up or shut up.
Praise be to Allah!
So I'm not sure if I did that right. I started but then had to stop because you are supposed to wash your hands, feet, face and head before coming to Allah for prayer. Thankfully I happened to have some baby wipes nearby (seriously, those things can be used for so much!) so I had to pause for a bit to do that. I stood up and faced Mecca (using my app to make sure I was in the right direction), lifted my hands up and silently said my praises and then fell to my knees and asked Allah for forgiveness and strength and then bowed to Allah and gave more personal prayers (which are between myself and God thank you very much). I'm sure I will be able to fine tune it a bit over the next month.
The fasting has started.
Nothing to eat or drink until Maghrib prayer which will be at 7:46 tonight.
Time to truely devote myself to getting to know God, as I am expected (for Ramadan) to read the entire Koran over the next 30 days.
And now back to bed!
I tossed throughout the night. Probably nerves or something. And seriously, 4:00 has a way of sneaking up on you. I came downstairs and poured myself a big bowl of honey nut cheerios (SSSHHH!!!! Don't tell Kiel! That's "his cereal.") and now I'm trying to chug my second bottle of water this morning so I won't be dehydrated throughout the day. For some reason my tongue already feels scratchy, like when you are really thirsty. I have 6 minutes until the Fajr call to prayer and then it will be considered dawn and the fasting of Ramadan starts. Now 5 minutes. I got this app on my phone so I can get the "call to prayer" throughout the day (gotta love technology). Now 4 minutes.
Kiel really doesn't want me to do this, but I feel if I don't, I would be lessening the entire point of my doing this search for God over the past year. Now 3 minutes. Ramadan is considered the holiest month to Islam and so I have to take advantage of something considered so holy when I am trying to further my understanding and personal relationship with God. Now 2 minutes. If it doesm't work out, it doesn't work out, but the point is that I TRY.
So I hope that I don't completely botch this whole prayer thing. I thought it was just bowing down and praying like what we see on TV, but there seems to be an entire ritual to it and I only googled it last night. 1 minute left. I'm sure God will be compassionate with me on this though. I have only started reading the Koran and so I am really just taking that and EVERY single conflicting thing I find (because they are all different!) and doing what I can. Maybe I will visit one of the Mosques around here for further insight.
And there is my call to prayer. Time to nut up or shut up.
Praise be to Allah!
So I'm not sure if I did that right. I started but then had to stop because you are supposed to wash your hands, feet, face and head before coming to Allah for prayer. Thankfully I happened to have some baby wipes nearby (seriously, those things can be used for so much!) so I had to pause for a bit to do that. I stood up and faced Mecca (using my app to make sure I was in the right direction), lifted my hands up and silently said my praises and then fell to my knees and asked Allah for forgiveness and strength and then bowed to Allah and gave more personal prayers (which are between myself and God thank you very much). I'm sure I will be able to fine tune it a bit over the next month.
The fasting has started.
Nothing to eat or drink until Maghrib prayer which will be at 7:46 tonight.
Time to truely devote myself to getting to know God, as I am expected (for Ramadan) to read the entire Koran over the next 30 days.
And now back to bed!
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