Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur

Ok, so like I previously thought, I don't know squat about Judaism even though I am very well aquainted with the Old Testament. But as a very important season in the Jewish year approaches, I am trying to learn about it about how I can apply it  to my life.

From what I have learned, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are times of repentance (turning away from your past transgressions/behaviors) and re-establishing your relationship with G-D. Well I am all about re-establishing my relationship with G-d. I have been so focused on some big sign from G-d and learning and trying on different paths to God, and I really haven't been paying much attention to the vehicle I have been using to take that path- ME. Sure, praying for forgiveness is something I have done countless times and I constantly ask for G-d to make me a better woman and to transform me into that better woman, but I think with the upcoming holidays, I need to really look at ME and what needs to be changed in ME so that G-d actually wants to have a relationship with me. I can be impatient, I can be anxious, I can be REALLY stubborn, self righteous, condescending, selfish, spiteful, hypocritical, narcissistic, disrespectful, greedy and sometimes I think or wish and have sometimes even done or said bad things for/to/about people who have made me angry...

Wow.

Looking at the above words that I used to describe how I can act sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. Am I really this bad of a person? I mean, this is only the stuff I can think of! There is that whole- things we have done wrong without knowing we were doing bad things type of aspect to look at too! My son doesn't deserve a mother like a that. My husband doesn't deserve a wife like that. God doesn't deserve to have a relationship with someone like that (and in all honesty, why would he/she want to?)

So I am taking this moment- this exact moment as I am sitting here typing, with Loki sitting in front of me watching "Blue's Clues," to embrace this time of repentance and reflection to try and make myself into the woman that God wants me to be and that I want to be for those that I love. I am making the descision, RIGHT NOW, to turn away from bad behavior that has, no doubt, affected my relationship with my fellow man and with G-d. I know that there will be moments where I falter, I'm not perfect, but I hope that either G-d will strengthen me during those times or I will be able to recognize the bad behavior immediately, learn from it and get back on the horse of repentance (BTW- the definition of repentance is to 1-regret or feel sorrow for past conduct OR 2-to turn away from sin).

So here I go!

Oh, and please don't try to get me to be catty or spiteful just for your own amusement! I'm really, really trying to better myself here, people!