So last week, I went back to the Founding Church of Scientology in Washington, D.C. to give auditing a try. I re-entered the beautiful building and asked the receptionist to see Nicki. As I waited, I walked over to one of the video displays about Scientology, pressed a button to see a short movie titled , "What Scientologists have to say about Scientology," and sat down on a small bench in front of the screen to watch the movie.
As I watched the movie, Nicki quietly sat down next to me. I leaned towards her and asked quietly, "How long have you been a Scientologist?"
"About 16 years," she replied, her voice just as quiet as mine. We both sat there for a moment, our eyes fixed on the screen. I wanted to learn more. "What made you want to be a Scientologist?"
"My marriage," she answered. Then she went on to tell me that her husband had bought the book Dianetics but never really studied it. When their marriage began to suffer (for reasons she wouldn't say) they tried a marriage course at the Scientology Center. "It helped us save our marriage," she said.
I was so touched that this woman was able to tell me something so personal like that. As she sat next to me with a big smile on her face, I felt so happy for her. It really made me want to give this whole auditing thing a shot. So when she stood up and asked me to follow her downstairs so I could meet my auditor, I eagerly followed.
Once we reached the basement, a somewhat cute guy rounded the corner and offered me his hand. He introduced himself to me as Dan (name changed of course). I noticed he was wearing the same black pants, black turtleneck attire that Nicki was wearing. A quick glance around the room showed at least three other people in the same outfit. I realized that this was staff uniform.....and it looked.....a bit dumb. I scolded myelf for being judgemental and followed Dan and another guy (I assume he was Dan's helper or spotter or something lik that) into a sort of conference room where there was a row of chairs that was lined up directly across another row of chairs. I sat down across from Dan, facing him, while the other guy sat off to the side. Dan opened up a sot of auditing manual and told me to relax and close my eyes.
Dan asked me to go back to the earliest painful memory I could think of. Well shit. When going back as far as I can remember I became conflicted. What was actually a memory and what a memory of something someone had told me? And the how the hell am I supposed to remember something from the womb if I can directly remember something from the womb? How is this me tapping into my "reactive mind," if I'm just fucking around with my "analytical mind?" But I pushed those thoughts to the side and did what I was told. I remembered when a fight between my mom, dad and (former) step father. They were arguing because my step father wanted to adopt me and my father wasn't having it. He left the house in a storm and I remembered feeling like it was my fault that everyone was upset because the were fighting about me. I know that it wasn't my fault, now. But as a little girl, that is what I thought. Then I was told to go to my earliest happy memory. It was me, spending the night at my Pop Pop's house (back when he lived in his town house in Ft. Washington) and I was helping him make breakfast.
When I opened my eyes, my mascara had made a mess on my face. Dan was telling me that I did great. What the fuck did I do? I didn't feel any different. I still don't. These wasn't some untapped experience. I knew about these experiences. I remembered them vividly before auditing. Maybe it's just because it was my first try.
So then I was led up to a registration office. There I met a pretty young woman named Sarah*. She told me that she thought I would be a great fit for a Dianetics study course as well as a weekend Dianetics seminar. What the hell? Why not. I agreed to do both. Might as well learn as much as I can about Dianetics, end the month with a seminar and then do my two months as a Hindu. Then she told me I could ask her whatever I wanted to know about Scientology. Was this a trick? Fuck it. "I'm a huge South Park fan, Sarah," I said,"So obviously I saw that episode about Tom Cruise and Xenu and Scientology being a cult and all of that."
She smiled, amused. "There is no Xenu. I have been a Scientologist for 5 years and have never heard anything about aliens. The only answer I have for that is that perhaps it was in one of L. Ron's science fiction books."
Sarah then went on to tell me that while many people consider Scientology to be their religion, for many other it is simply a way to complement another religion. "I am a Scientologist," she said," but I still go to Mass."
She also told me that if I continued on the path of auditing that I would eliminate my panic attacks and no longer need meds for them. I liked that thought. And it was certainly something worth trying if there is the possibility it could do that.
Three days later I returned to start my Dianetics course. I entered the building and the receptionist asked me to sign in ("In case thee is an emergency, we know who is here and where they are.") and I went up to the third floor where the course room was. I sat down and opened my book, my work book and pulled out my course schedule. A womn came up to me, and marked on my schedule that I should try to get a certain point by the time I left. Well I went three chapters past that (I've always been a bit of a fast reader/ book worm). Then during a chapter on being "clear," my phone vibrated. It was Krissi. She was watching Loki for me while I was in D.C. She wrote that her dog, Gunner, had just died. I started to text back, asking if I needed to come back and get the baby when I noticed that woman standing over me. "There is no texting in here," she said sternly with a smile on her face. Fucking, really?! "It's my babysitter," I said in the exact same tone,"I may have to leave and get my baby."
Her face showed concern, "You can step outside and call her."
I smiled back, "No it's fine. She will text me back in a minute," and I went right back to my work. She got distracted by a man who was trying to leave, "Where are you going?" she asked him.
"The bathroom." he said.
"Let me know when you are going somewhere."
I sat there with my mouth open wide. Was this fucking grade school? I thought of getting up and walking out, and when being asked where I was going shouting, "I'm 24 years old, I don't give a damn!" But I really needed to get as much work done as possible.
I worked until about 4:00. Four straight hours of reading and doing workbook crap. Then as I went to leave, all they wanted to know was when I would be back. I told them Monday evening. I'm not sure what to make of the course stuff. I think I am grasping the ridiculously difficult read known as Dianetics but I still don't think I fully believe it and I don't know if I like the whole controlling aspect of that room....but maybe that one lady just took her job waaaayyyy too seriously.
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