While I haven't eaten past dawn today, I have drank water. I woke up with a massive headache and could barely sleep through the night due to hot flashes I kept getting. I woke up sweaty but my temprature was only 97. I still have a headache but if I were to continue with the fast, I wouldn't even be ale to take the medication to help my head or it would be considered breaking my fast (which, to be honest, I think out of all the exceptions, God would forgive me taking a tylenol, or someone with a sinus infection taking augmentin, or someone with asthma taking a puff off their inhaler). But- that's not even the biggest reason I am taking a "break."
I am only 100 pages (or roughly abou 1/3) into the Qu'ran, so I don't feel as though I have a full perspective of Islam....but the fasting and the mandated prayer IS getting to me. I have never really had prayer be a chore- something I HAD to do. And I realized it this morning as I dreaded waking up at 4:00 am to eat breakfast and pray, that God had become a task, a job...almost a burden ("No girls, I can't go to lunch with you....it's Ramadan...." or me rushing home from OFA so I can pray, or even how praying itself, my communication with God had become monotonous. The words I would express towards God became repetitive and without any deep meaning whatsoever).
This is the exact opposite of what I set out to do. I want to be closer to God, experience God on a much deeper, personal level. I'm certain that God would much rather I come to Him/Her with love and devotion, not because I'm carrying out a daily task. While I think that the coming to God in prayer multiple times during the day is a wonderful thing- by having God always on some part of your mind, you are always reminded of God's love and it helps keep you from doing bad things if you are always thinking of God and what He/She wants for you. But when it became a chore, something I HAD to do five times a day- it became a burden and I CANNOT allow God to become a burden to me. Which leads me to........
PERSONAL TRUTH # 2: WORSHIP GOD OUT OF LOVE, NOT BECAUSE "YOU HAVE TO."
In one of my favorite movies, Dogma, Selma Hayak sums up how she feels about Linda Florentino's obligation to Catholicism by saying "I have a problem with some Catholics who treat God like a burden instead of blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it."
Why would God want praise and prayer from people who would feel that way about Him/Her? I wouldn't. I wouldn't want someone to come spend time with me if they really didn't want to. It's insulting. I want to be able to come to God with love and because I want to. Granted, I DO think that people need to come to God a few times during the day, but to give someone 5 specific times of the day and say "You have to come to God and devote this specific time of day to God," just seems to be the exact opposite...at least for me. It's like when you tell a kid that they HAVE to spend time inside with elderly relatives, when they would much rather be outside playing. You can certainly tell that they would rather be elsewhere. Do you think that God wants you to come to Him/Her in prayer when He/She can certainly tell you would rather be elsewhere? I don't.
So this weekend I am going to take it easy and try to wrap my head around this whole concept. Spend some time with Qu'ran and speak to God the way I always try to- with love and because I want to speak to God. Hopefully after a weekend of self reflection I will either be able to continue Ramadan on Monday with a clear head and a fresh perspective or I won't and then I can prepare for my study of Judaism.
No comments:
Post a Comment