I really enjoyed Buddhism, it related very much to my rational side because one of the basic principles of Buddhism is to experience things and discover things for yourself- to find the facts. And when it came to meditating, it really relaxed me. My anxiety lessened so much due to my nightly yoga and meditation. So I have to say that Buddhism is certainly in the running to be my religion...but.... I don't know....I want to feel that AWE. That awe you get when you know you are in the prescence of something powerful and bigger than you. I used to feel that way about the Christian God when I was 13. I felt this power when I would pray or when I would sing songs of praise, but then when I witnessed first hand the self righteous hypocrisy that is practically eating Christianity alive....it was like a flipped light switch and I have yet to feel that inspriing awe again. I have tried so hard to feel that way about Christianity and Jesus but I just can't get there, it's like I'm "chasing the dragon" but instead of a drug high I am seeking a religious experience that I just can't grasp, but maybe as I become less innocent and grow older, it's something I'm not supposed to be able to grasp.
So if I am unable to find something that truely moves me, I know I will be able to at least find something in Buddhism. Something that can calm me and still my mind....but perhaps Buddhism is something that will eventually inspire me. If I keep up with the meditation and opening my mind, body and spirit up to the universe perhaops I will have one of those moments I read about where the universe just enters me and consumes me and makes me one with everything that is around me!.....push come to shove I'll at least get a few moments of peace of quiet. Any mother can relate to how wonderful that can be, it's like a fucking vacation.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Why Hindu Just Wasn't My Cup of Jasmine Tea
Ok....so I'm not expecting to find some religion that is completely and totally perfect....oh fuck it....YES I AM! I want to find MY religion and MY religion needs to suit MY needs and reflect my goals. I need to feel the awe, the inspiration, the contentment from knowing that I am at ease with my where I have placed my spirituality. I want to feel like I am a part of something bigger than me and bigger than anyone else on this Earth, while at the same time being something that connects us all. I want to feel something that is good, something that is pure, natural and beautiful without having to force it.
With Hinduism, as much as I loved it, I had to force it. With Kiel being overseas, I barely had anytime for my puja ritual because my time was devoted to Loki and to my internship with the Democratic National Committee and with the nearest temple 45 minutes away (although Hindus are only required to visit the temple sporadically) it was difficult to find time to get there and when I did there....frankly there was a cultural divide. Also, there were ideologies in Hinduism that I just couldn't wrap my head around. The Caste System and it's relation to Hinduism, the breaking down of women (which seems to be the norm with most religions...I'm looking forward to experiencing a more female centered religion like Wicca), the rituals....It's just too much for me.
Not to say that I didn't like it. I loved it's open stance towards other religions and for the most part the philosophy was beautiful and full of tolerance and acceptance...but it just didn't feel like me. You know the feeling? Where you like something and maybe it likes you, but it just isn't meant to be no matter how hard you wish it was. Well that's me and Hinduism. I liked it and I really wanted it to work out and be the religion for me, but it just didn't give me that awe, that inspiration that I'm craving. It felt more like a fun learning project...which I guess it is...but the core of this project is for me to try on different religions and perhaps see if there is a religion that is perfect for me out there....one that can satisfy my need for spirituality, keep up with my social perspectives and fit into my hectic schedule....or am I asking too much?
With Hinduism, as much as I loved it, I had to force it. With Kiel being overseas, I barely had anytime for my puja ritual because my time was devoted to Loki and to my internship with the Democratic National Committee and with the nearest temple 45 minutes away (although Hindus are only required to visit the temple sporadically) it was difficult to find time to get there and when I did there....frankly there was a cultural divide. Also, there were ideologies in Hinduism that I just couldn't wrap my head around. The Caste System and it's relation to Hinduism, the breaking down of women (which seems to be the norm with most religions...I'm looking forward to experiencing a more female centered religion like Wicca), the rituals....It's just too much for me.
Not to say that I didn't like it. I loved it's open stance towards other religions and for the most part the philosophy was beautiful and full of tolerance and acceptance...but it just didn't feel like me. You know the feeling? Where you like something and maybe it likes you, but it just isn't meant to be no matter how hard you wish it was. Well that's me and Hinduism. I liked it and I really wanted it to work out and be the religion for me, but it just didn't give me that awe, that inspiration that I'm craving. It felt more like a fun learning project...which I guess it is...but the core of this project is for me to try on different religions and perhaps see if there is a religion that is perfect for me out there....one that can satisfy my need for spirituality, keep up with my social perspectives and fit into my hectic schedule....or am I asking too much?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Month 1 as a Hindu.
Where's the beef?
I don't know but I want some!!!
I have to admit that being a Hindu is pretty freaking easy if you remember one basic thing- God is in EVERYTHING.
Hinduism is also a lot more cosmic then I would've imagined, like perhaps my past life actually took place in the future (because time isn't linear). Yea. Doesn't that shit blow your mind? Nacho said that Hinduism seems to have a lot of parallels with his religion (trust me, I will totally make him fill me in more on what he calls "That old time American Indian religion" since I can't technically participate....being a white chick and all).
Giving up beef sucks, I can only eat so many chicken sandwiches, but at least the Giant near my house has bison meat so I don't have to go without spaghetti.
When I'm not just trying to get out of the house on time, I do practice a Puja ritual. I wake up, do some yoga, meditate, shower and then prepare my breakfast setting aside an offering on the fireplace mantle.....So the first time I did this, I was going to give my offering to my little Buddha statue that I got on a trip to Hawaii five years ago....but....Loki hid it somewhere. So I'm running around the house looking for my little Buddha statue (and at this point I am fucking starving because I'm not supposed to eat until I've performed the other parts of the ritual). Dad and Nacho seem to be just loving this, by the way. Then Nacho says, "Does it have to be Buddha?"
No. It doesn't. This is one of the other things I love about Hinduism- their belief that there are many ways to spiritual enlightenment and their tolerance for other religions. Hindus don't believe that their religion is the "right" religion. It is simply the path that they choose to take for spiritual fullfillment (AWESOME, right?!). So after hunting through the house, I found a crucifix with a tiny Jesus on it. So I made my offering to Jesus (and for the rest of the day, my Step Mom kept asking why there was an over easy egg on the mantle and when could she throw it away).
So then, I decided to take the drive up to College Park to check out the DC Metropolitan area Hindu Temple, Nacho agreed to tag along for moral support (and I think it was mostly because he was bored and had nothing better to do). This temple was so beautiful!!!! We entered and saw that we had to take our shoes off before entering the actual temple. So I did....Nacho bitched a bit about how his shoes better not get stolen but he took his shoes off too. Then we walked into the main area and I was blown away by how beautiful it was inside as well. All around were statues of the Gods and at the front was an altar with larger statues of certain gods (like Buddha and Rama). And in the corner was a man playing drums with his hands. He stopped shortly after we walked in, and tried to explain a bit about the temple to us (of course there was a tad bit of a language barrier). Then he stepped upon the alter and handed us each a tiny ball shaped yellow pastry and told us it was an offering for good health and prosperity. Moments later a girl (probably in her late teens), entered a placed an offering of fruit on the altar. "Fuck," I said to myself, "I didn't bring an offering...oh well, next time."
Then we stepped out, a put our shoes back on, pastries still in our hand. As I look at the temple's upcoming events on their bulletin board, I take a bite of the pastry ball thing and then Nacho leans in, "I think you were supposed to offer that to the Gods."
My mouth is full of pastry (it really was quite good), "Nuh-unh!"
"Yea. I think he gave it to us to give to the Gods."
"Well then why the fuck didn't you give it to the Gods?!"
"I don't know...I'm not Hindu."
"Dammit, Nacho!!!! You are supposed to tell me shit like that! Did I just offend them?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"FUCK!"
So...I may have pissed off that drummer guy....I may have pissed off the Gods. I'm still not too sure. But so far I like being Hindu. It's a very beautiful religion....but I totally miss eating beef, but perhaps my body is better off without the red meat? I'm not sure. We will see with this next month. Personally, I think Buddhism is the one that's going to stick with me. But we will see : )
I don't know but I want some!!!
I have to admit that being a Hindu is pretty freaking easy if you remember one basic thing- God is in EVERYTHING.
Hinduism is also a lot more cosmic then I would've imagined, like perhaps my past life actually took place in the future (because time isn't linear). Yea. Doesn't that shit blow your mind? Nacho said that Hinduism seems to have a lot of parallels with his religion (trust me, I will totally make him fill me in more on what he calls "That old time American Indian religion" since I can't technically participate....being a white chick and all).
Giving up beef sucks, I can only eat so many chicken sandwiches, but at least the Giant near my house has bison meat so I don't have to go without spaghetti.
When I'm not just trying to get out of the house on time, I do practice a Puja ritual. I wake up, do some yoga, meditate, shower and then prepare my breakfast setting aside an offering on the fireplace mantle.....So the first time I did this, I was going to give my offering to my little Buddha statue that I got on a trip to Hawaii five years ago....but....Loki hid it somewhere. So I'm running around the house looking for my little Buddha statue (and at this point I am fucking starving because I'm not supposed to eat until I've performed the other parts of the ritual). Dad and Nacho seem to be just loving this, by the way. Then Nacho says, "Does it have to be Buddha?"
No. It doesn't. This is one of the other things I love about Hinduism- their belief that there are many ways to spiritual enlightenment and their tolerance for other religions. Hindus don't believe that their religion is the "right" religion. It is simply the path that they choose to take for spiritual fullfillment (AWESOME, right?!). So after hunting through the house, I found a crucifix with a tiny Jesus on it. So I made my offering to Jesus (and for the rest of the day, my Step Mom kept asking why there was an over easy egg on the mantle and when could she throw it away).
So then, I decided to take the drive up to College Park to check out the DC Metropolitan area Hindu Temple, Nacho agreed to tag along for moral support (and I think it was mostly because he was bored and had nothing better to do). This temple was so beautiful!!!! We entered and saw that we had to take our shoes off before entering the actual temple. So I did....Nacho bitched a bit about how his shoes better not get stolen but he took his shoes off too. Then we walked into the main area and I was blown away by how beautiful it was inside as well. All around were statues of the Gods and at the front was an altar with larger statues of certain gods (like Buddha and Rama). And in the corner was a man playing drums with his hands. He stopped shortly after we walked in, and tried to explain a bit about the temple to us (of course there was a tad bit of a language barrier). Then he stepped upon the alter and handed us each a tiny ball shaped yellow pastry and told us it was an offering for good health and prosperity. Moments later a girl (probably in her late teens), entered a placed an offering of fruit on the altar. "Fuck," I said to myself, "I didn't bring an offering...oh well, next time."
Then we stepped out, a put our shoes back on, pastries still in our hand. As I look at the temple's upcoming events on their bulletin board, I take a bite of the pastry ball thing and then Nacho leans in, "I think you were supposed to offer that to the Gods."
My mouth is full of pastry (it really was quite good), "Nuh-unh!"
"Yea. I think he gave it to us to give to the Gods."
"Well then why the fuck didn't you give it to the Gods?!"
"I don't know...I'm not Hindu."
"Dammit, Nacho!!!! You are supposed to tell me shit like that! Did I just offend them?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"FUCK!"
So...I may have pissed off that drummer guy....I may have pissed off the Gods. I'm still not too sure. But so far I like being Hindu. It's a very beautiful religion....but I totally miss eating beef, but perhaps my body is better off without the red meat? I'm not sure. We will see with this next month. Personally, I think Buddhism is the one that's going to stick with me. But we will see : )
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My 4th (and final week) As a Scientologist
So this week, I acomplished a Scientology rite of passage and recieved the answers to my personality test. I had taken this test on January 3rd but now I was discovering the answers. Kiel had called me that morning from Afghanistan, and when I mentioned to him I was going to learn the results of my personality test, he answered, "Oh? So you are going to find out your depressed, huh?" (which is a reflection of the South Park episode where they take on Scientology). I laughed it off because I was honestly excited to learn the results of my test. I'm not depressed (I do suffer from anxiety attacks, though). So I dropped Loki off with Krissi and headed into DC.
So I went up to the fourth floor of the building and met again with Austin, who pulled up my results. Guess what it said? Yup. I'm fucking depressed and didn't even know it (go on all you South Park fans, have a chuckle). According to Oxford Capacity Analysis, I am depressed, easily influenced by my surroundings (that might be true), anxious (yea) and not compassionate (fucking seriously? then what would my mother and Kiel score for that?). I promise as soon as I get my car back from the VW dealership I will scan and post the actual test results page BTW. Then Austin reccomended a shit load of classes that (for a nominal fee) would help me with my problems. About 5 different classes. $50 a pop. You do the math.
Then I went down to the study room to do more studying and was greeted by She Who Constantly Blows Up My Fucking Phone. She made some snide comment about my not being by in a while. So when she asked me if I had any questions....I did. The Dianetics Book says that the reactive mind can be physically located during autopsy, but it doesn't say where it is located. What lobe of the brain is this evil horrible thing that causes people to be sad and act foolishly? So I asked her. She fumbled through her copy of Dianetics for a moment and then showed me a page that said the reactive mind was located within each cell....So each cell has a mind? What does it look like? Where are the pictures/ graphs? WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE? I understand that religion is faith and that faith must be something that is blind but if this is something that can be physically proven then prove it! She couldn't. I stayed for only half an hour and got out of there.
I was scheduled to take a Dianetics Seminar that following weekend. This was to better help me understand the book that I was being harrased to come by a study more. By this point I was just so freaking done with it. Seriously- Go to a seminar all weekend for almost 12 hours a day? Leave Loki for that long on the weekend without even the hopes of being intoxicated? So the night before (a Friday), Krissi, Nacho and I went to La Tolteca for dinner and the next night I had plans to go out with Krissi and Jessica since Jess was in town for the weekend. As we are driving to the restaurant, I get a call. It's from Jim, the man leading the seminar that weekend. He wanted to confirm I would be there and told me to make sure to get plenty of sleep and not to drink any alcohol. I said "Sure thing." And got off the phone.
Guess who had a BIG ASS MARGARITA at dinner that night? This girl right here.
When I got home that night, I went into the Moms' room and talked to them about this. "Mom....I really don't want to go to this seminar. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of this."
"Then why are you going?"
".....my journey, I guess."
"Krys, if you know that this isn't for you, then you know it isn't for you. Would a seminar make that big of a difference?"
As I laid in bed that night, playing around on my laptop, listening to Loki's lullabies over his baby monitor, I came across a very disturbing website with even more disturbing articles. This website contained a Penthouse 1983 article with L. Ron Hubbard Jr. that really disturbed me (talks of abortion obsessions, drugs, money, beatings, blackmail, Satanism) and then there was a similar article from a Paulette Cooper who wrote "The Scandal Behind Scientology," in 1968 and was sued, harrassed and slandered (allegedly) by the church for 15 years.
Guess who didn't go to the seminar?
Guess who still gets calls from Scientologists?
Guess who is so not a Scientologist?
THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!
Now on to being Hindu.
So I went up to the fourth floor of the building and met again with Austin, who pulled up my results. Guess what it said? Yup. I'm fucking depressed and didn't even know it (go on all you South Park fans, have a chuckle). According to Oxford Capacity Analysis, I am depressed, easily influenced by my surroundings (that might be true), anxious (yea) and not compassionate (fucking seriously? then what would my mother and Kiel score for that?). I promise as soon as I get my car back from the VW dealership I will scan and post the actual test results page BTW. Then Austin reccomended a shit load of classes that (for a nominal fee) would help me with my problems. About 5 different classes. $50 a pop. You do the math.
Then I went down to the study room to do more studying and was greeted by She Who Constantly Blows Up My Fucking Phone. She made some snide comment about my not being by in a while. So when she asked me if I had any questions....I did. The Dianetics Book says that the reactive mind can be physically located during autopsy, but it doesn't say where it is located. What lobe of the brain is this evil horrible thing that causes people to be sad and act foolishly? So I asked her. She fumbled through her copy of Dianetics for a moment and then showed me a page that said the reactive mind was located within each cell....So each cell has a mind? What does it look like? Where are the pictures/ graphs? WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE? I understand that religion is faith and that faith must be something that is blind but if this is something that can be physically proven then prove it! She couldn't. I stayed for only half an hour and got out of there.
I was scheduled to take a Dianetics Seminar that following weekend. This was to better help me understand the book that I was being harrased to come by a study more. By this point I was just so freaking done with it. Seriously- Go to a seminar all weekend for almost 12 hours a day? Leave Loki for that long on the weekend without even the hopes of being intoxicated? So the night before (a Friday), Krissi, Nacho and I went to La Tolteca for dinner and the next night I had plans to go out with Krissi and Jessica since Jess was in town for the weekend. As we are driving to the restaurant, I get a call. It's from Jim, the man leading the seminar that weekend. He wanted to confirm I would be there and told me to make sure to get plenty of sleep and not to drink any alcohol. I said "Sure thing." And got off the phone.
Guess who had a BIG ASS MARGARITA at dinner that night? This girl right here.
When I got home that night, I went into the Moms' room and talked to them about this. "Mom....I really don't want to go to this seminar. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of this."
"Then why are you going?"
".....my journey, I guess."
"Krys, if you know that this isn't for you, then you know it isn't for you. Would a seminar make that big of a difference?"
As I laid in bed that night, playing around on my laptop, listening to Loki's lullabies over his baby monitor, I came across a very disturbing website with even more disturbing articles. This website contained a Penthouse 1983 article with L. Ron Hubbard Jr. that really disturbed me (talks of abortion obsessions, drugs, money, beatings, blackmail, Satanism) and then there was a similar article from a Paulette Cooper who wrote "The Scandal Behind Scientology," in 1968 and was sued, harrassed and slandered (allegedly) by the church for 15 years.
Guess who didn't go to the seminar?
Guess who still gets calls from Scientologists?
Guess who is so not a Scientologist?
THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!
Now on to being Hindu.
Friday, January 28, 2011
My 3rd Week as a Scientologist
So I was a bit skeptical to return to the course room where every student morphs into a child that must always be accounted for, but as I left I told them I would be back on Monday because I thought that Monday was the 18th and the day I started my internship with the Democratic National Committee. Except.....Monday was Martin Luther King Day and the 18th was actually a Tuesday. So on Friday night, myself and few friends were hanging out in my living room watching Chappelle's Show and having some drinks. After quite a few drinks, Krissi said, "Dude we should go somewhere and do something." Nacho perked up, "We should go to New York."
I grabbed my laptop and started looking for rates of hotels that boasted a view of Times Square. Surprisingly the rates were very decent (last minute booking, I suppose). But then my laptop died and we continued drinking.
Then on Sunday morning the idea resurfaced. I tried to think of a reason for us to not go. And I couldn't. The drive wasn't long. It wouldn't cost alot. I didn't have anything to do until Tuesday afternoon and Loki is a pro at traveling. With a room overlooking Times Square we could just sit in the room, enjoy the view and have a few drinks, then do some sight seeing in the morning before we leave. So after discussing who would pay for what, I booked the room, packed Loki and I's things, then picked up Nacho and Krissi for our road trip.
I grabbed my laptop and started looking for rates of hotels that boasted a view of Times Square. Surprisingly the rates were very decent (last minute booking, I suppose). But then my laptop died and we continued drinking.
Then on Sunday morning the idea resurfaced. I tried to think of a reason for us to not go. And I couldn't. The drive wasn't long. It wouldn't cost alot. I didn't have anything to do until Tuesday afternoon and Loki is a pro at traveling. With a room overlooking Times Square we could just sit in the room, enjoy the view and have a few drinks, then do some sight seeing in the morning before we leave. So after discussing who would pay for what, I booked the room, packed Loki and I's things, then picked up Nacho and Krissi for our road trip.
So ok, maybe all we did was night was have a few drinks and enjoy the view of Times Square, but given the company, it was wonderful. The next day we walked around Time Square and had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe before we piled up into the car to drive back to Maryland.
As we walked back to the Valet/ parking garage to get my car, (literally seconds after this picture was taken) my phone started ringing. I looked and saw that it was a 202 number (Washington, D.C.), because the Democratic National Committee is in DC and because I had intern orientation th next day, I answered.
"Hi this is Alicia from the Founding Church of Scientology."
"Hi Alicia, what can I do for you?"
"Well you were supposed to be in at 2:30 today to do your coursework."
Fucking really? Now to help all of you get a better picture, let me explain how my Dianetics course works. I have the book Dianetics. Then I was given a Diantics Workbook. I go into the course room, read Dianetics and then answer questions in the workbook which I turn in as I leave. I do this at my own pace and the people in the course basically sit there and wait for you to have a question they can answer or for you to wonder what a word means (They actually gave me a dictionary for "young readers" when I came in last time. It took a lot of strength to not throw that dictionary in their faces and let them know that I could teach them a thing or too about the English language...but I refrained) I could easily do this at home (having the workbook makes a huge difference). And now these people are calling me because I didn't want to come sit in their "course room" (where I have to tell them if I'm going to the bathroom and can't even bring in a bottle of water with me) and do something I could do at home and not waste as much gas.
So, contrary to what my brain was telling me, I didn't hang up the phone right then and there and told Alicia I would be in after my orientation on Tuesday.
Tuesday morning I woke up early, put on my brand new, absoluetly adorable, gray Calvin Klien suit and some cute Steve Madden pumps (reminding myself to get the pants on my absoluetly adorable suit hemmed ASAP so I could wear them without wearing 3 inch heels), dropped Loki off at Krissi's house and managed to find a 2 hr parking space right in front of the DNC (whic was awesome because orientation was only supposed to be an hour long). Myself and my fellow interns were grossly overdressed. Everyone there wears jeans! It is certianly the more casual side of business casual. They also have no problem joking around and cursing around one another. So I instantly fell in love with the laid back atmosphere. We all recieved our ID badges and were shown were our departments would be. I get to work in Operations and my sliver of a desk is right near Jennifer O'Malley Dillion's office as well as DNC Chairman Tim Kaine's office. Yea, it was pretty cool.
So after orientation was over, I got to head over to the other side of town. I only planned on spending an hour ther because I really wanted to get home to Loki. So I rushed inside, opened up my book and my workbook and tried to hurry through the last two parts of Book One.
Then I saw a woman lean over near me, trying to get my attention. I looked up and smiled. She introduced herself to me as Ann Marie. "I've had about four people come up to me and tell me I have to meet you. I'm not sure if you are looking for a job but I am in charge of staff hires here and would love to meet you."
Shut the fuck up! These people want to work for them?! And actually pay me to do it?! I hope my expression didn't come off astoo shocked but I told her thank you and that I would meet with her the next time I came in.
Not even two minutes after she left, a man with curly hair and glasses (and of course black pants and black turtleneck) came up to me and introduced himself as Austin. He said he wanted to meet me and perhaps do a personality text with me (yup, the famous Scientology personality test) I told him I had taken it online so we agreed to meet the next time I came in as well to go over my results.
I have to admit with work at the DNC, I have been slacking. I am supposed to become a Hindu on the first but I haven't even finished my Dianetics Course. I have a Dianetics seminar this weekend but it goes from 9-7 on Saturday and 10-6 on Sunday. I may have to break it up into two weekends. While I fully intend to start my two months as a Hindu on schedule, I may just simply have to allow Scientology to over lap into that abit, simply so I can have more reasearch on the area. I suppose it would be like moving Scientology from a full on religion to more of a complimentary aspect like what Sarah had told me the week before (how she practiced Catholicism but was a Scientologist). I have to admit though, I will be pretty happy when I'm done with this religion. I hope they won't keep calling me. I'll just tell them I moved away or something.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My 2nd Week As a Scientologist
So last week, I went back to the Founding Church of Scientology in Washington, D.C. to give auditing a try. I re-entered the beautiful building and asked the receptionist to see Nicki. As I waited, I walked over to one of the video displays about Scientology, pressed a button to see a short movie titled , "What Scientologists have to say about Scientology," and sat down on a small bench in front of the screen to watch the movie.
As I watched the movie, Nicki quietly sat down next to me. I leaned towards her and asked quietly, "How long have you been a Scientologist?"
"About 16 years," she replied, her voice just as quiet as mine. We both sat there for a moment, our eyes fixed on the screen. I wanted to learn more. "What made you want to be a Scientologist?"
"My marriage," she answered. Then she went on to tell me that her husband had bought the book Dianetics but never really studied it. When their marriage began to suffer (for reasons she wouldn't say) they tried a marriage course at the Scientology Center. "It helped us save our marriage," she said.
I was so touched that this woman was able to tell me something so personal like that. As she sat next to me with a big smile on her face, I felt so happy for her. It really made me want to give this whole auditing thing a shot. So when she stood up and asked me to follow her downstairs so I could meet my auditor, I eagerly followed.
Once we reached the basement, a somewhat cute guy rounded the corner and offered me his hand. He introduced himself to me as Dan (name changed of course). I noticed he was wearing the same black pants, black turtleneck attire that Nicki was wearing. A quick glance around the room showed at least three other people in the same outfit. I realized that this was staff uniform.....and it looked.....a bit dumb. I scolded myelf for being judgemental and followed Dan and another guy (I assume he was Dan's helper or spotter or something lik that) into a sort of conference room where there was a row of chairs that was lined up directly across another row of chairs. I sat down across from Dan, facing him, while the other guy sat off to the side. Dan opened up a sot of auditing manual and told me to relax and close my eyes.
Dan asked me to go back to the earliest painful memory I could think of. Well shit. When going back as far as I can remember I became conflicted. What was actually a memory and what a memory of something someone had told me? And the how the hell am I supposed to remember something from the womb if I can directly remember something from the womb? How is this me tapping into my "reactive mind," if I'm just fucking around with my "analytical mind?" But I pushed those thoughts to the side and did what I was told. I remembered when a fight between my mom, dad and (former) step father. They were arguing because my step father wanted to adopt me and my father wasn't having it. He left the house in a storm and I remembered feeling like it was my fault that everyone was upset because the were fighting about me. I know that it wasn't my fault, now. But as a little girl, that is what I thought. Then I was told to go to my earliest happy memory. It was me, spending the night at my Pop Pop's house (back when he lived in his town house in Ft. Washington) and I was helping him make breakfast.
When I opened my eyes, my mascara had made a mess on my face. Dan was telling me that I did great. What the fuck did I do? I didn't feel any different. I still don't. These wasn't some untapped experience. I knew about these experiences. I remembered them vividly before auditing. Maybe it's just because it was my first try.
So then I was led up to a registration office. There I met a pretty young woman named Sarah*. She told me that she thought I would be a great fit for a Dianetics study course as well as a weekend Dianetics seminar. What the hell? Why not. I agreed to do both. Might as well learn as much as I can about Dianetics, end the month with a seminar and then do my two months as a Hindu. Then she told me I could ask her whatever I wanted to know about Scientology. Was this a trick? Fuck it. "I'm a huge South Park fan, Sarah," I said,"So obviously I saw that episode about Tom Cruise and Xenu and Scientology being a cult and all of that."
She smiled, amused. "There is no Xenu. I have been a Scientologist for 5 years and have never heard anything about aliens. The only answer I have for that is that perhaps it was in one of L. Ron's science fiction books."
Sarah then went on to tell me that while many people consider Scientology to be their religion, for many other it is simply a way to complement another religion. "I am a Scientologist," she said," but I still go to Mass."
She also told me that if I continued on the path of auditing that I would eliminate my panic attacks and no longer need meds for them. I liked that thought. And it was certainly something worth trying if there is the possibility it could do that.
Three days later I returned to start my Dianetics course. I entered the building and the receptionist asked me to sign in ("In case thee is an emergency, we know who is here and where they are.") and I went up to the third floor where the course room was. I sat down and opened my book, my work book and pulled out my course schedule. A womn came up to me, and marked on my schedule that I should try to get a certain point by the time I left. Well I went three chapters past that (I've always been a bit of a fast reader/ book worm). Then during a chapter on being "clear," my phone vibrated. It was Krissi. She was watching Loki for me while I was in D.C. She wrote that her dog, Gunner, had just died. I started to text back, asking if I needed to come back and get the baby when I noticed that woman standing over me. "There is no texting in here," she said sternly with a smile on her face. Fucking, really?! "It's my babysitter," I said in the exact same tone,"I may have to leave and get my baby."
Her face showed concern, "You can step outside and call her."
I smiled back, "No it's fine. She will text me back in a minute," and I went right back to my work. She got distracted by a man who was trying to leave, "Where are you going?" she asked him.
"The bathroom." he said.
"Let me know when you are going somewhere."
I sat there with my mouth open wide. Was this fucking grade school? I thought of getting up and walking out, and when being asked where I was going shouting, "I'm 24 years old, I don't give a damn!" But I really needed to get as much work done as possible.
I worked until about 4:00. Four straight hours of reading and doing workbook crap. Then as I went to leave, all they wanted to know was when I would be back. I told them Monday evening. I'm not sure what to make of the course stuff. I think I am grasping the ridiculously difficult read known as Dianetics but I still don't think I fully believe it and I don't know if I like the whole controlling aspect of that room....but maybe that one lady just took her job waaaayyyy too seriously.
As I watched the movie, Nicki quietly sat down next to me. I leaned towards her and asked quietly, "How long have you been a Scientologist?"
"About 16 years," she replied, her voice just as quiet as mine. We both sat there for a moment, our eyes fixed on the screen. I wanted to learn more. "What made you want to be a Scientologist?"
"My marriage," she answered. Then she went on to tell me that her husband had bought the book Dianetics but never really studied it. When their marriage began to suffer (for reasons she wouldn't say) they tried a marriage course at the Scientology Center. "It helped us save our marriage," she said.
I was so touched that this woman was able to tell me something so personal like that. As she sat next to me with a big smile on her face, I felt so happy for her. It really made me want to give this whole auditing thing a shot. So when she stood up and asked me to follow her downstairs so I could meet my auditor, I eagerly followed.
Once we reached the basement, a somewhat cute guy rounded the corner and offered me his hand. He introduced himself to me as Dan (name changed of course). I noticed he was wearing the same black pants, black turtleneck attire that Nicki was wearing. A quick glance around the room showed at least three other people in the same outfit. I realized that this was staff uniform.....and it looked.....a bit dumb. I scolded myelf for being judgemental and followed Dan and another guy (I assume he was Dan's helper or spotter or something lik that) into a sort of conference room where there was a row of chairs that was lined up directly across another row of chairs. I sat down across from Dan, facing him, while the other guy sat off to the side. Dan opened up a sot of auditing manual and told me to relax and close my eyes.
Dan asked me to go back to the earliest painful memory I could think of. Well shit. When going back as far as I can remember I became conflicted. What was actually a memory and what a memory of something someone had told me? And the how the hell am I supposed to remember something from the womb if I can directly remember something from the womb? How is this me tapping into my "reactive mind," if I'm just fucking around with my "analytical mind?" But I pushed those thoughts to the side and did what I was told. I remembered when a fight between my mom, dad and (former) step father. They were arguing because my step father wanted to adopt me and my father wasn't having it. He left the house in a storm and I remembered feeling like it was my fault that everyone was upset because the were fighting about me. I know that it wasn't my fault, now. But as a little girl, that is what I thought. Then I was told to go to my earliest happy memory. It was me, spending the night at my Pop Pop's house (back when he lived in his town house in Ft. Washington) and I was helping him make breakfast.
When I opened my eyes, my mascara had made a mess on my face. Dan was telling me that I did great. What the fuck did I do? I didn't feel any different. I still don't. These wasn't some untapped experience. I knew about these experiences. I remembered them vividly before auditing. Maybe it's just because it was my first try.
So then I was led up to a registration office. There I met a pretty young woman named Sarah*. She told me that she thought I would be a great fit for a Dianetics study course as well as a weekend Dianetics seminar. What the hell? Why not. I agreed to do both. Might as well learn as much as I can about Dianetics, end the month with a seminar and then do my two months as a Hindu. Then she told me I could ask her whatever I wanted to know about Scientology. Was this a trick? Fuck it. "I'm a huge South Park fan, Sarah," I said,"So obviously I saw that episode about Tom Cruise and Xenu and Scientology being a cult and all of that."
She smiled, amused. "There is no Xenu. I have been a Scientologist for 5 years and have never heard anything about aliens. The only answer I have for that is that perhaps it was in one of L. Ron's science fiction books."
Sarah then went on to tell me that while many people consider Scientology to be their religion, for many other it is simply a way to complement another religion. "I am a Scientologist," she said," but I still go to Mass."
She also told me that if I continued on the path of auditing that I would eliminate my panic attacks and no longer need meds for them. I liked that thought. And it was certainly something worth trying if there is the possibility it could do that.
Three days later I returned to start my Dianetics course. I entered the building and the receptionist asked me to sign in ("In case thee is an emergency, we know who is here and where they are.") and I went up to the third floor where the course room was. I sat down and opened my book, my work book and pulled out my course schedule. A womn came up to me, and marked on my schedule that I should try to get a certain point by the time I left. Well I went three chapters past that (I've always been a bit of a fast reader/ book worm). Then during a chapter on being "clear," my phone vibrated. It was Krissi. She was watching Loki for me while I was in D.C. She wrote that her dog, Gunner, had just died. I started to text back, asking if I needed to come back and get the baby when I noticed that woman standing over me. "There is no texting in here," she said sternly with a smile on her face. Fucking, really?! "It's my babysitter," I said in the exact same tone,"I may have to leave and get my baby."
Her face showed concern, "You can step outside and call her."
I smiled back, "No it's fine. She will text me back in a minute," and I went right back to my work. She got distracted by a man who was trying to leave, "Where are you going?" she asked him.
"The bathroom." he said.
"Let me know when you are going somewhere."
I sat there with my mouth open wide. Was this fucking grade school? I thought of getting up and walking out, and when being asked where I was going shouting, "I'm 24 years old, I don't give a damn!" But I really needed to get as much work done as possible.
I worked until about 4:00. Four straight hours of reading and doing workbook crap. Then as I went to leave, all they wanted to know was when I would be back. I told them Monday evening. I'm not sure what to make of the course stuff. I think I am grasping the ridiculously difficult read known as Dianetics but I still don't think I fully believe it and I don't know if I like the whole controlling aspect of that room....but maybe that one lady just took her job waaaayyyy too seriously.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My first week as a Scientologist
I'm still not very sure how I feel about Scientology. The people are extremely friendly and seem to be very happy, but it seems to be a religion void of the spiritual aspects of other religions. I was there for three hours on Monday and all that was discussed was my mind. So lemme tell ya about that:
Holy shit that was a rough morning. Loki and I have been fighting off a cold and it really started to hit Loki that morning. He was fussy and stuffy and part of me thought I was simply going to have to leave him on the side of the road and cut my losses.So then I had to google where I hell I was going because I really don't spend a lot of time in Dupont Circle so I don't know that neighborhood as well as I know others. That's when I found out that the Church of Scientology in D.C. was THE FIRST Scientology church. And that L. Ron Hubbard actually lived in the house that was later converted into the first Scientology Church for a few years.
Anywho, so I load Loki up into the car with his stroller and all of his necessities while he is screaming at me from his car seat (and in my mind I was cursing my friends who weren't able to go with me: "Fuck your back, Krissi!!!!" "Fuck your furnace, Nacho!!!!"). Thankfully the traffic on 210/295/395 didn't suck and I found myself at 1826 R Street, NW in about 20 minutes. I was lucky enough to get a spot practically in front of the center, so I paid the meter, got Loki situated in his stroller and walked across the street to start my journey.
Well, no one ever said that finding yourself was a smooth journey, but WHAT THE FUCK!? No handicap access so I was pulling Loki's stroller up the front stairs. Not easy! But when we reached the top, I smoothed my jacket, fixed my hair and reached for the door. Except the fucking door knob wouldn't budge! I saw a white piece of paper on the door. Apparently THIS Scientology Center is being converted into a historical site/ mueseum and there is a NEW Scientologfy Center/ Church on 16th st (about 2 miles aways). "Fuck fuck fuck," I cursed as I then had to get Loki's stroller back down those front stairs (oh and a shout out to that douche bag who walked by, looked at us and didn't offer to help; you are a class act, butt hole!). So I loaded us back into the car, folded up the stroller, cursed again as I saw that I still have 1:50 left on the parking meter and made our way over to 16th st. (sick baby+ me already uber pissed off + it was fucking cold out= yes I did drive two miles).
So then we pulled up to the NEW Scientology Church. I found a parking space (Fuck! The meter! I used all my change on the OTHER meter. Oh well give me a ticket!). Unloaded Loki and got him situated in his stroller and we started back on my journey again...
EXCEPT....this church wasn't very handicap friendly either. There were only a few steps out front but a shit load of them inside and I could totally see myself eating shit on those pretty marble stairs and either myself or Loki taking a trip to the ER. So...... back to the car. I got Loki out of his stroller and put his stroller back in the car and decided to justy hold him the entire time.
So the inside of the Scientology Church was very beautiful. Marble and hardwood floors and beautiful molding that gave it a feel like I was walking around someone's house. There was a display that took up most of the lobby, sort of a walking display that covered different aspects of Scientology. The first display highlighted L. Ron Hubbard with other displays discussing Dianetics, the growth of Scientology from Dianetics into a religion and various community programs. A nice woman came out to talk to me, named Nikki (name changed of course, there is that rumor that Scientologists are quick to sue and I'm not getting sued for unlawfuilly using someone's name). Being that I couldn't just say, "Hey I'm on a quest to find God! Let's go look for him/her!" I told her that I was interested in Scientology and that I was currently trying to get through the latest edition of Dianetics but was finding it to be a very difficult read. This woman was so friendly! She set Loki and I up in a private viewing room (and brought in toys for Loki to play) so I could watch a supplemental DVD about Dianetics.
Ok so...while the DVD seemed to make assumptions that seemed to be plasuble (how our life experiences and the trauma we have dealt with can sabotage us from happiness later in life)...there were some parts that just seemed to jump out at me and make me think, could this really be true? There were a few times when it talked about how psychology and psychiatry are ineffective and basically wrong (which made me think of when Tom Cruise told Brooke Shields that she should've simply exercised to cure her post partum depression instead of taking her meds.....HAHAHAHAHA Shut the hell up!). But then it was when the DVD discussed how many of the engrams we carry (past painful experiences that are recorded in the reactive center of our brains) are given to us before we become 2 years old, with many of them being while we are still in the womb. I'm not saying that it isn't possible...but from what I have learned, it simply doesn't seem plausible. A baby can hear by a certain age and their cognitive skills are usually some of the last to develop, for the most part babies in the wombs simply react so how would Loki be "knocked out," if I had hit my stomach on the counter and then been able to record what I was saying and be able to comprehend it all subconsciously later in his life? I'm still very skeptical, but I'm trying to keep myself open to all of this. And where is the Supreme Being in all of this? There was so much discussion about my mind and my past and my experiences and paying $20 for the DVD I was watching (I didn't, BTW, Kiel threw enough of a bitch fit when I told him that I had bought books about it) that I don't see the religion aspect of Scientology yet, but it has only been a week.
So tomorrow I go in for my first auditing session. I'm curious to see if it works and I'm also scared that it will work. Christianity boasts the power of confession, but it also boasts that some times the best thing for a woman to do is to "silently bear her cross." Not to say I'm some martyr or that my life hasn't been freaking sweet (it has, just so you know!) but I have had bumps along the way and I don't know if I can really open myself up to some stranger who wouldn't even be able to offer me a xanax afterwards to deal with whatever wounds I would be re-opening. But who knows, maybe it will make me even happier.
Oh and I didn't get a parking ticket.
Holy shit that was a rough morning. Loki and I have been fighting off a cold and it really started to hit Loki that morning. He was fussy and stuffy and part of me thought I was simply going to have to leave him on the side of the road and cut my losses.So then I had to google where I hell I was going because I really don't spend a lot of time in Dupont Circle so I don't know that neighborhood as well as I know others. That's when I found out that the Church of Scientology in D.C. was THE FIRST Scientology church. And that L. Ron Hubbard actually lived in the house that was later converted into the first Scientology Church for a few years.
Anywho, so I load Loki up into the car with his stroller and all of his necessities while he is screaming at me from his car seat (and in my mind I was cursing my friends who weren't able to go with me: "Fuck your back, Krissi!!!!" "Fuck your furnace, Nacho!!!!"). Thankfully the traffic on 210/295/395 didn't suck and I found myself at 1826 R Street, NW in about 20 minutes. I was lucky enough to get a spot practically in front of the center, so I paid the meter, got Loki situated in his stroller and walked across the street to start my journey.
Well, no one ever said that finding yourself was a smooth journey, but WHAT THE FUCK!? No handicap access so I was pulling Loki's stroller up the front stairs. Not easy! But when we reached the top, I smoothed my jacket, fixed my hair and reached for the door. Except the fucking door knob wouldn't budge! I saw a white piece of paper on the door. Apparently THIS Scientology Center is being converted into a historical site/ mueseum and there is a NEW Scientologfy Center/ Church on 16th st (about 2 miles aways). "Fuck fuck fuck," I cursed as I then had to get Loki's stroller back down those front stairs (oh and a shout out to that douche bag who walked by, looked at us and didn't offer to help; you are a class act, butt hole!). So I loaded us back into the car, folded up the stroller, cursed again as I saw that I still have 1:50 left on the parking meter and made our way over to 16th st. (sick baby+ me already uber pissed off + it was fucking cold out= yes I did drive two miles).
So then we pulled up to the NEW Scientology Church. I found a parking space (Fuck! The meter! I used all my change on the OTHER meter. Oh well give me a ticket!). Unloaded Loki and got him situated in his stroller and we started back on my journey again...
EXCEPT....this church wasn't very handicap friendly either. There were only a few steps out front but a shit load of them inside and I could totally see myself eating shit on those pretty marble stairs and either myself or Loki taking a trip to the ER. So...... back to the car. I got Loki out of his stroller and put his stroller back in the car and decided to justy hold him the entire time.
So the inside of the Scientology Church was very beautiful. Marble and hardwood floors and beautiful molding that gave it a feel like I was walking around someone's house. There was a display that took up most of the lobby, sort of a walking display that covered different aspects of Scientology. The first display highlighted L. Ron Hubbard with other displays discussing Dianetics, the growth of Scientology from Dianetics into a religion and various community programs. A nice woman came out to talk to me, named Nikki (name changed of course, there is that rumor that Scientologists are quick to sue and I'm not getting sued for unlawfuilly using someone's name). Being that I couldn't just say, "Hey I'm on a quest to find God! Let's go look for him/her!" I told her that I was interested in Scientology and that I was currently trying to get through the latest edition of Dianetics but was finding it to be a very difficult read. This woman was so friendly! She set Loki and I up in a private viewing room (and brought in toys for Loki to play) so I could watch a supplemental DVD about Dianetics.
Ok so...while the DVD seemed to make assumptions that seemed to be plasuble (how our life experiences and the trauma we have dealt with can sabotage us from happiness later in life)...there were some parts that just seemed to jump out at me and make me think, could this really be true? There were a few times when it talked about how psychology and psychiatry are ineffective and basically wrong (which made me think of when Tom Cruise told Brooke Shields that she should've simply exercised to cure her post partum depression instead of taking her meds.....HAHAHAHAHA Shut the hell up!). But then it was when the DVD discussed how many of the engrams we carry (past painful experiences that are recorded in the reactive center of our brains) are given to us before we become 2 years old, with many of them being while we are still in the womb. I'm not saying that it isn't possible...but from what I have learned, it simply doesn't seem plausible. A baby can hear by a certain age and their cognitive skills are usually some of the last to develop, for the most part babies in the wombs simply react so how would Loki be "knocked out," if I had hit my stomach on the counter and then been able to record what I was saying and be able to comprehend it all subconsciously later in his life? I'm still very skeptical, but I'm trying to keep myself open to all of this. And where is the Supreme Being in all of this? There was so much discussion about my mind and my past and my experiences and paying $20 for the DVD I was watching (I didn't, BTW, Kiel threw enough of a bitch fit when I told him that I had bought books about it) that I don't see the religion aspect of Scientology yet, but it has only been a week.
So tomorrow I go in for my first auditing session. I'm curious to see if it works and I'm also scared that it will work. Christianity boasts the power of confession, but it also boasts that some times the best thing for a woman to do is to "silently bear her cross." Not to say I'm some martyr or that my life hasn't been freaking sweet (it has, just so you know!) but I have had bumps along the way and I don't know if I can really open myself up to some stranger who wouldn't even be able to offer me a xanax afterwards to deal with whatever wounds I would be re-opening. But who knows, maybe it will make me even happier.
Oh and I didn't get a parking ticket.
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